Grandma’s Birthday

i woke up yesterday, went running, ran about 3 miles, and felt completely discouraged. my time was 18! really, OVER 18 because it had already turned 18, and that means its already hit it….arrrrrg.

BUT today, i went running again (i dragged myself out after reading an article on about how everyone has setbacks) and i got an UNDER 18 time! thats 17-something! which is like a 8-something mile! YAYYYYYY I’m finally improvinggggggggg

anyway, yesterday. i hung out in my room trying the weird planks and stuff, then i went down and made the banana walnut muffins i was planning. i used the whisk! i don’t really know why, but i love using the whisk. i could whisk all day haha

so i made those, and they turned out really good. and i healthy-ished it up, too. usually we make it so healthy its disgusting and no one wants to eat it, but this time it was a present so i wanted to make it taste good, too.

i ate 6. only 10 in all were eaten. i made like 50.

no one even tried it!

whatever. their loss.

i read a good book called smiley-face. it was creative. plus i read the treasure map of boys. its good, that i have been reading again. i literally hadn’t read a single book for fun since school started.

my favorite spot on the couch missed me.

played piano, went crazy downloading indie songs that i discovered on pandora. like the band phoenix. i hate their most popular song, 1901, but i love their others. idk, it just got annoying.and the arctic monkeys…..and caroline liar….

before i knew it, my aunt, uncle, and cousin were here for grandma’s birthday. awkward. awkward, because just a week ago my dad was (and is) accusing them of stealing thousands of dollars from him. he was very stiff and insulting, but we got through it without a screaming fight.

we ate, which sucked because earlier i had 3 huge cups of carrot-tropical-fruit-and-orange smoothie. which is really filling. and everyone thinks I’m anorexic or something, so they were offering food to me the whole time and my brothers were going ‘oh, no, she can’t, she on a DIET.’ misters, i am on a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE.

after finishing and sitting at the table a while, i went upstairs. i looked up how to apply to boarding schools. honestly, it sound like a pretty good idea. but the dealine is like in two weeks, so maybe ill apply for junior year…idk, i just don’t think i will get in. no, thats not true. well, yes. but a small part of me thinks that, if two people i know, who aren’t even THAT spectacular, got in, then why can’t i?

but i know that they have more impressing profiles than me. my cousin is from china, so she’s know everything about the us AND china. she’s in tons of clubs, and the basketball team, even though she doesn’t really play. and the other is the president of the student body, and she’s on sports teams.

so arg arg, ahhhh.


all i have is piano and some local awards for it.

anyway, i was brushing my teeth when they decided to eat the cake. so i had an excuse not to eat it, but i still tried it (i brushed over again) it was gross. which was good, so i wasn’t tempted.

im so jealous of my cousin. she’s so perfect in every way. great at academics, got into a selective private boarding school, knows two languages fluently, has tons of friends who support her and cheer her on, don’t make fun of her, she’s pretty without makeup, she has great clothes and all the stuff she wants because her parents are so rich, she got into her dream school, and i don’t know a single person who wouldn’t trust her or want to be friends.

and my brother E, he is so likable. literally, everyone loves him. just something about him, you look at him and you want to talk to him and you think, oh, he’s a great guy. really nice. he can say anything, and make it funny, or witty, or something. it just comes so easily to him. his friends aren’t friends one day and bullies the next, and he’s got great cheekbones.



so we were reading cards, and and giving presents and stuff. then they go, what about YOU? I’m tired, and i know anything i say could never measure up to everyone else’s. so i say, ill do it later. meaning, never. look, if i don’t pipe in with something on my own, everyone singling me out and going ‘HOW ABOUT YOU???!!!” so i can say, no, i DONT have anything to say, is not going to help.

anyway, i got up today and ran. and you already know the amazing results. just showered. going down. bye.


bad sleepover

so i woke up tuesday morning and went running finally again. my time is still not falling under 18 minutes 2-mile. hey, its uphill ok? but that IS a 9-minute mile (possibly more) which is absolutely awful.

after trudging home the loser walk of shame, i jogged back down for another go, lost all motivation on the way there, and took a shortcut back home. i am so ashamed of myself. i think its mostly because i don’t have motivation anymore. as in, no sports, no modeling….what am i running for? self-acceptance?

got back, did mini-workout. i looked up some really weird variations on the plank and those were fun i guess.

i did piano for like an hour. i meant to just do two sets of half an hour but i got into it…

ate eggs….

did piano theory…..ugh rondo, sonata, and all this stuff thats really confusing.

downloaded like 60 songs to my iPod touch!

then my friend SS came for a sleepover. we talked and downloaded music until our friend MH came….

and then it went bad.

see, these two friends are some of my really good friends, especially friend SS, but when they are together it becomes a ‘put-down and make-fun-of-me’ time and its awful.

they overruled me and we went to the local grocery store to buy food to make dinner with.

and then they blamed me when it got dark and scary on the way there.

and then we got back and they made fun of me the whole time for the stupidest things.

we ate, but i was all mad by then and it was so silent and awkward with them whispering things about me and laughing.

i just sat there and glared at them.

after i tried to cheer up and stuff and we made music videos to white horse and eerie meenie. eenie meenie was hilarious…friend MH was jb so during his solo part she got so insanely into it. i will never let it go….so funny.

after we went and downloaded a crapload of dub step and stuff. sang karaoke. played DDR. i pretended to be awful so they wouldn’t think i was lame….or something….well it was fun stumbling all over the mat at least.

we got sleeping bags and set up. we couldn’t sleep in my room, though, because my mom sleeps in there because she can’t sleep with my dad (because they hate each other and she calls the police half the time they talk). so i told them we couldn’t. and they made fun of me more. and i couldn’t tell them they were retarded because they don’t know.,….

so i slept on this tiny couch about as wide as a CHAIR. they got to stretch out on the big ones. and they giggled and whispered while i ignored it because i was so not in the mood to get put down more.

its so strange, like when one of them goes to the bathroom, its like an instant change… its really strange. they get suddenly nicer and laugh with me, not at me….

we slept, the next morning they refused to get up, so i just made breakfast without them. awkward breakfast because i was mad still.

my mom noticed my sullen-ness and was like, are you tired? i said yeah, even though i wasn’t, and she’s been trying to get me to sleep the entire day.

i was so relieved when they left.

I’m never inviting the two of them together again.

i don’t even know if they’re friend worth keeping


BUTTTTT today went ok.

i discovered pandora!

coolest thing ever, i already got new artists and songs that i looooove, like lisztomania by phoenix and carolina liar….

downloaded music and stuff. plus i figured out the free texting app on the iPod, so I’ve been texting. bummed because my friend MC canceled on our sleepover (which i am actually really, really, RREAALY, pissed about, because we never see each other and this was planned like a MONTH ago) and also on our skiing trip! who am i supposed to ski with? huh? and why? well because her 8-year-old friend’s family is having a new year’s party. which was planned after the skiing trip.

i know, i know. I’m secretly jealous of this 8-year-old girl. because this is not the first time MC’s canceled because of her.

ugh. im an awful person.

anyway, today went to my mom’s office to get my retainer-thingy adjusted. we sat there for like 3 hours.

went home, ate, stuff. I’m going to go grocery shopping now for my grandma’s birthday….im gonna make her banana walnut muffins!

well thats it.

visit from an old friend

no, no old as in elderly. old as in from elementary school (and the very beginning of middle).

we’ve been emailing back and forth for a while, and then she stopped, and then she started again. and i asked her to come over. and she did!

friend EDC came yesterday.

and she’s got basically the same personality, but she’s gained weight and she like anime.

but she’s still my friend from before. and i love her to death. but, like before, she’s super talkative and energetic, and when she left i just pooped out totally exhausted. hhhahaha

but yeah. we caught up and talked and stuff, then i got hungry so and talked while i ate (or she talked while i ate). then we spend half an hour trying to friend each other on Facebook because fb was being stupid. then my mom wanted a fb so i spend another half hour explaining it to her. 

then we went to the mall. but it was so crowded my mom could not find a parking spot, so we just returned some jeans and left. I was wearing my new awesome batman shirt! and loose-ish jeans and faded sneakers, and i know i looked like a total tomboy. whatevs

we drove to another shopping center so i could get a case for my iPod touch. well we spent half an hour in best buy, then we decided to check out target. so we went there, and then the cases were extremely expensive, but my mom wanted me to get insurance. so i got insurance (after a ton of thinking) but just the cheap one, and then we went back to best buy and got the case and a screen protector.

all of this shopping took about 4 hours.

poor fried EDC…

but we went home, i failed at putting on my screen protector, and then we ate. then her mom came and picked her up…

but it was super fun and I’m so happy i got the chance to see her!

after she left i decided to connect my iPod to my iTunes and all that. problem is that my iTunes doesn’t have all of my songs, because of a big long complicated tech thing i don’t really understand, half of my songs on my iPod isn’t on there. sooooooooooo after trying to find other ways, i discovered i had to download every single one of my missing songs over again.

this is hundreds of songs we are talking about here.

it took me ilk 2 hours to get through about a third.


well i slept at around 11.]

good day though.

a happy christmas

well the day started out fine. i got up nice and late, ate granola, berries, and almond milk ( yum). got on the mac and downloaded like 40 songs haha. i get sort of carried away.

then we started cleaning and stuff for the little get-together we had tonight. i sliced a ton of potatoes and whatnot.

then it went awful. like horribly awful. my mom did this little thing that pissed my dad off. normally it wouldn’t piss him off. it shouldn’t piss anyone off. it was a totally reasonable thing to do. but with all the extra tension lately and stuff (plus the fact that they hate each other) and it turned into a one-sided (my dad) screaming fight. my mom is really sick, so she sort of whispered back at him.

things calmed down when my bro E came in and played the police. like always. i don’t know what I’m going to do without him when he leaves for college. its going to be hell.

Anyway, i practiced piano and all. ate a lot of soup. helped out more.

worried about my grandma. she’s really sick. she ran a fever last night. thats really bad, since she’s so old and already not in a good condition…

but she got a bit better, and the day turned out to be ok, actually.

day turned out to be great, actually, but thats later in this story.

i showered, changed, set the table. the guests came 40 minutes late (of course, they are asian, what do you expect?) and they watched football.

ate the edible arrangement fruit thing we got from my mom’s mentor.

ate the food. there was nothing really amazing and addicting, which was actually good so i didn’t overeat like usual.

then since we hadn’t opened gifts yet (yeah, nighttime and we still haven’t opened gifts. i know.) we just decided to open them. even though the guest were here. tacky. yup. but hey they are close family friends, and they don’t care.

and guess what.

my brother E………



sad thing is, even though its amazing and he’s great and thoughtful, i know its not good for me. i literally would rather have a nano. because i can’t run with a touch! i can’t do anything with a touch! i’m probably not going to take it anywhere! because ill always be scared that it will break!


my other brother K is the opposite of me. he’s stoked. he’s already taken it out of the case and is playing with it now. (he got one too)

but yeah. I was really shocked this year because my brother E got presents for everyone! and the most important thing is, is that he got 1000 bucks from my parents for doing good on the SAT/ACT, and he spent it all on presents.

no really. he didn’t spend any on himself.

it makes me happy. turns out that despite growing up in an awful household with a horrible example of parents, he still turned out great.

I’m going to miss him so much.

but all this gift-giving made me feel awful. guess what i got everyone? a gingerbread cookie in the shape of their zodiac sign. i feel like a thoughtless loser. and here i thought i was being creative and original.

my mom gave me a hundred dollars but i gave it back because i spent about that much on black friday. i figured she already gave me a present.

so, in the end, christmas turned out ok.

i love my brothers.

christmas eve baking

so i got up and did business, like piano and all that. slept in, actually, so i didn’t do much.

i was all ready to go to my friend KW’s house, but then my mom decides that i have to vacumn AND mop, so i get stuck washing the gross mop that no one else bothers to do.

so i got there an hour late.

we made gingerbread, and while the dough froze we made peppermint bark. the dark chocolate worked perfectly, but when we did the white chocolate, it hardened REALLY fast and it turned into clumps off chocolate all over. so we put more on and did it super fast, but the dark chocolate wasn’t hardened and the two mixed together and we got a marbled peppermint bark thing…..

took out the gingerbread. i don’t think we did it right because the dough was super crumbly and hard to work with, but i managed to etch out some animals (its my present for my grandparents and parents) in their zodiac signs.

we baked it and it didn’t really work out; we tried it and it wasn’t sweet, more like a ginger snap.

ate dinner really fast. her mom fried absolutely everything, which sucked for me because i am trying to be healthy! i politely ate it.

we rushed to my house, i changed into something festive (sort of) really, just my plaid PJs, which i wore to church.

the service was reallllly boring. i bet it wouldn’t have been, except they had to translate it and listening to 5 minutes of chinese and then a short thing of english. so i basically tuned out.

when we sang christmas carols, i have an awful voice so every time we went up high i would drop down an octave. so basically i sounded terrible.

it was a freezing 35 degrees outside (which is insane for where i live haha) so we ran back to the car. we slept like me and my brothers do after we come back from skiing trips: one of us leans against the side of the car, the middle leans on that person, and the last leans on the middle. keeps us warm, super comfortable, and it makes fro a really funny picture when we are all drooling on each other with our weird sleeping faces.

got home.


fun day 🙂

last minute christmas shopping with bros

well merry christmassss to myself!  (and, of course, anyone else reading this)

so friday i WAS going to do nothing, make christmas cards, etc. i got up early to run, came back to drop off my hoodie, and got caught by my grandma and my mom. apparently 55 degrees is too cold for running, and by the way i was sick and I’m still just getting better. hello, like a week ago.

so yeah. stuck at home. but at 1 my bro takes me out shopping for advice on christmas presents. we brought my other bro too. we shopped around and got everyone decent gifts. i don’t know why he’s suddenly so blasé about money though, but i think its because its his senior year and he wants to be remembered or something.

got my mom a diamond cross necklace. bargained it down with my ‘uncertain don’t really care about this certain item could walk away easily’ face from 200 to 130!

went to GAP and saw the AWESOMEST batman shirt, had to have it (half off) so i did. gonna pay him back later.

he dropped me off at piano. picked me up. went back to pick up K. got the rest of the presents.ate subway. bonded with my bros. they’re actually really cool when we are all in a good mood.

went home, ate, blah, blah. sleep. suprisingly good day 🙂

parents fighting

i woke up this morning to the sound of my dad trying to get my mom to sign some document for our lawyer. and that progressed into a screaming, accusing fight, in which my dad says that she is always harassing him by not signing these documents right. i don’t know, but isn’t it ironic that the screaming man is saying that the ill women is harassing him?

so there went my plans to go shopping with my friend JC that i never see because she goes to a different school.

i called her and cancelled about a half hour before we were supposed to pick her up. i would have been super bummed, but she was cool with it.

left after my dad started drawing me into it. why? i don’t know. but i don’t want to be testifying later on in court so I’m staying as naive as possible. kind of hard when my dad explains the whole thing to me (at his weird twisted angle) and then i figure it out later to see that he’s an idiot that has been going around jumping to conclusions.

i watched about 4 hours of tv to drown out the screaming and give myself something to do.

i don’t know who to trust.

i don’t want either of them to think i am taking sides. but i know i am on mom’s side.


played piano for an hour. its a great stress reliever, especially on those crazy songs where you can stab the keys….

ate lunch of lentils which are my favorite.

watched a movie about soccer. good movie. made me depressed because it was all inspirational and my parents are yelling in the background and my dad is threatening horrible things.

and apparently he is depressed. and thats why he hasn’t worked for a decade, why he sits on the couch and watches asian dramas all day. because mom made him depressed.

i think its true, but he started it. mom is depressed too.

i was, back in 7th grade. i considered suicide….and running away….and i cried myself to sleep and i considered cutting…

but then i snapped myself out of it because really? my life is waaaaay better than some. at least i have a roof. at least my parents TRY to parent me.

but its just hard sometimes.

and my parents hate each other. honestly, i don’t know why they ever got married. so that adds a new dimension of complicated to our multiple lawsuits going on….

and thats why they aren’t divorced.

but my dad sat me down and told me the second he got his money from the lawsuit, he was moving to china to get away.

he told me it was all mom’s fault; don’t blame him, it would be all because of mom.

fun stuff.

i did my math homework and piano theory and watched more tv

was on the computer for 3 hours.

we finally put up the christmas tree.

it was boring.

i was going to go running but i couldn’t get the energy to.

didn’t do my mini workout.

fun day.