ok, so I’m just having a bad week.
i don’t really know, but I’m just tired….and its not family stuff (well, yeah, it is, it always is. but its not that particularly this time)
so on monday, 1st period went fine. so did third. and i stayed for the crochet club, and i was so hungry but that was the one day friend JS forgot to bring food. then i had 5th, where we switched seats, so now I’m next to the very popular girl all the guys have crushes on, this unfortunately fat guy (yes, I’m very mean), and antisocial nerd. and me, of course, and I’m the really quiet freshman smart girl.
then i went to tutoring, and by then i was soooo hungry. like, my stomach was actually growling and i felt faint.
so when i got home (btw it was freezing) i pigged out. and then i felt bad about myself for pigging out.
we had the band concert, and just like i thought, all the band people hate me. especially ‘friend’ LT. i hate her. she’s cruel, makes fun of people, and is just starving for attention. everyone likes her because she’s a blast to be around when she likes you. i would know; she used to like me. i honestly don’t know what happened. but yesterday, me and my bestie rejoined a circle, and i just threw out casually ‘its annoying when the circle migrates.’ you know what LT returned with? ‘the circle didn’t move, we just didn’t invite you. no one wants you here.’ i wasn’t even talking to her. and that was really hurtful.
so yeah. thats basically how the evening went. i walked awkwardly behind the huge group.
and bestie? i was completely wrong about her. its ironic, that the day after i write a post all about how she’s amazing and then she goes….she totally chose popularity over me. that just makes me feel great. and i think i know. bestie’s only great when it benefits her, and when you agree with her.
so we did our little awful trio thing, then was showed up completely by the clarinet duet that was basically the two best players in the class right after us.
i went home.
today, i woke up and was so unmotivated to do my workout. who was i doing it for? myself, sure. thats what I’m supposed to say.
i was early, but i dragged and i ended up being late. i forgot my iPod. 2nd went fine, but friend SS basically didn’t talk to me, and bestie literally completely ignored me. she’s making other friends in that class. i guess I’m a little jealous and mad that she’s branching out…
debate, and I’m mad. i told her to get everything done on monday during our debate sesh, but no, she was over it and decided to do it this week. but guess what? we can’t do it all this week, exactly like i told her. like i warned her. but noooooo, its not her fault, she says!
there was a a debate for the people going to this tournament this weekend. it was Friend AF and Crush V vs. Prezzie and Annoying Jewish Frosh.
prezzie team won. crush v had a heart attack, i think. they suck as a team. I’m happy, which is awful i know, that they’re relationship is tearing. they were really mad at each other today.
i was sitting next to friend JS, and bestie and KM were on the other side of the room. guess what? in the middle, Friend JS gets up and leaves. and goest to the other side. i make pouty faces across at them, but they don’t even look over. not once. i give up, and just look like a friendless loser in this class that knows our little clique way too well not to notice. and after, they come up and are like ‘what’s wrong?’ how do they not know?
i became antisocial and withdrawn. i just lost all energy and …yeah. i stood there all lunch and didn’t talk, and i walked alone. bestie caught up to me. she noticed something was wrong, yeah, but she didn’t automatically know! when i told her everything was fine, she didn’t see through it! i know thats unreasonable, but…i just feel that if i tell her the truth about everything, she’ll get freaked out about how serious and depressing i am and just ditch. thats how all my friends at this school are. if I’m not fun to be around for too long, they leave. no rough patches allowed.
I just wish i had real friends. my one real friend, i never see, and she doesn’t seem to try especially hard to see me, anyway.
6th went awful. no one makes eye contact. when the teacher let us pick our own partners, i died inside. i tried to catch the eye of the one other girl who always works alone, but she made quick eye contact, then looked down and wouldn’t look my way. i got the message. it hurts.
tutoring, with friend JS. it went fine. i acted like everything was great. I’m pretty good at that.
i went home and bonded with my brothers. ate food. and more food. and more food. i ate a lot more than i should have. i watched a lot of TV. i was just so tired. and sluggish. and depressed. I’m blowing off a lot of homework.
I’m going to sleep now.