parents fighting

I hate my dad.

I don’t know  what’s going on, or how it started, but from my room right now on a cloudy Saturday morning, I hear my parents, outside, my dad screaming for the entire neighborhood to hear, at my mom. He’s calling her a fucking asshole whore. He’s telling her to leave ‘his’ house right now, thats what she gets for stealing and spending all his money, making his life miserable, and nagging him everyday. Great for the neighbors, huh? What a show.

Sometimes I feel bad for him, but then he goes and ruins it with things like this. How am I supposed to respect him, to say thank you and hug him every night when I know that he does things like this?

Right now I just wish that he would leave. Its coming sooner or later anyway, I mean, he’s told me countless times that he’s going to China and never coming back, and that its all my fault for being rude to him. That if I didn’t pick up my act quick and side against mom he wouldn’t pay for me anymore….

What a pity party. I have it so much better than so many people. Its just hard being in the middle of it, I guess.


bad day yesterday

ok, so i decided to cut some food out from my school lunch.

bad idea.

you have no idea how horrible i felt yesterday….during track, my head and stomach was pounding and i felt like fainting the entire time.

file under NEVER AGAIN.

but the rest of the time went well. i did ok on a quiz in spanish (which is important bc i have a B in that class, which is NOT OK), then in 3rd the instructor wasn’t there for some reason so i played ski on neon on my iPod.

during lunch everyone was talking about morp. apparently everyone was getting hot and heavy while i was at a christian conference. ironic, ya?

so according to everyone, half of my friends got down with a bunch of senior guys who decided to get some out of freshmen girls. of course, thats not the way they see it. they think they’re special, that it was a great experience, that its all part of high school. They don’t know the NAMES of the guys, they tell me they did not exchange ONE WORD with them, just, you know, grinding and he gets horny and decides to flip you around and make out.

its disgusting. just grinding is disgusting. this is why i don’t go to dances. i just wish my mother would stop hounding me to go, to make the most of ‘the high school experience’. no, mom, if only you knew…..i don’t want to be tempted. though it may be disgusting now, i feel that if i was at the dance, full of adrenaline and in the moment….ugh. no.

and today went a lot better.

to make up for yesterday, i brought chicken, a lentil wrap with cranberries, cheese, and turkey, some carrots and peanut butter, and a pear. no starving here.

nothing happened. i was so tired, though, i fell asleep in 6th. like actual sleep. i haven’t done that in a while.

track went bad. me and friend LN couldn’t get the hand off in our 4×1 relay right. we literally got it to me twice, and that was when we decided to go slow. we changed our mark like 10 times….probably more. our poor student coach got punished by our real coach for us, the freshmen screw ups…..

then i ran to jumps, got my mark, then headed to hurdles and i ran it like twice and that was all we had time for….

then i got home and my dad was throwing away a bunch of ‘junk’, and when i checked through it it was all the fathers day, birthday, and christmas presents i had carefully made for him over the years. he ‘didn’t know’. yeah, right dad. way to show you care.

so thats it for now. stressful wednesday-thursday coming up….lets see how this goes.

acquire the fire (3/23 – 3/25)

so on friday I’m gonna skip all the school stuff cuz theres nothing i really care about.

track was fine. we worked on relays.

then we went to acquire the fire. its this christian convention thingy. the thing is, i was so tired and exhausted that i was literally falling asleep during even the loud worship time. it wasn’t just that, i was also weak from being sick and i just couldn’t take in anything they said.

same with the next morning. i was miserable throughout the thing, and tired, and uncomfortable in the seats.

but later on, during  the very last worship session, we decided (we being me and bestie EMC) to go down to the floor and sing with all the other excited, jumping screaming people and worship. and it was so much better. we laughed, and yelled, and sang at the top of our lungs, not caring how we sounded. in fact, me and my brother K put in makeshift earplugs made of tissue paper so our ears wouldn’t bust out, and sang loud nevertheless. needless to say, we oth probably sounded horrible, but we couldn’t hear ourselves so who cared?

and i remember looking over at him and seeing that he was singing. he was actually singing. I’ve always been worried about him, since he has some problems relating to people, and doesn’t seem to have a passion for anything. he has always been pretty withdrawn. so to see him singing god’s praises…was pretty great.

it was beautiful.

also, the christian band the afters played, so that was pretty cool.

i fell asleep on the way home.

today at church, i felt pretty bad from my allergies and whatnot.

I’m also pretty bummed that i got a new DNA appliance, and this one is absolutely horrifying. its like an entire centimeter thick, and i can’t close my mouth or talk. my lisp is worse than the last one. and worst of all, its shaped weirdly, so it gives my upper lip this protruding look. let me tell you, a super bad overbite is not attractive. i look like a sad duck. combined with my lisp, I’m sure no one will ever talk to me in public.

but tonight I’m going to see the hunger games! with my bestie ERC!!!!!! cannot wait…ive missed her since she left school….

aggagagag (3/19 – 3/22)

on monday, it was 2-4-6. my friend AH lent me this great book about lynne cox, and I’m addicted. debate went fine; we worked on our hannah montana duo and its insanely hilarious. 6 i think we did absolutely nothing, but i know that PGF M is awkward but nice.

track was ok that day.

on tuesday, 1-3-5 and late start. i can’t recall anything really, except that at lunch there was a swarm of bees so me and friend TG went to hide in the library while everyone else just acted like nothing was going on. we are either really smart or really wimpy….it was good, we got to bond, which i don’t usually get to do since she’s got all these friends i don’t really mesh with.

on wednesday, it was a late start again. i wore my batman tee! in debate, we had a sub who made us stay in the classroom to work on our duos, and it was really embarrassing because I’m there facing the wall doing a really loud italian accent, and the room goes dead silent and i turn around and EVERYONE is staring at me, then breaks out in laughter. including crush V. great.

then we had an away track meet! our first one! i got to leave class at 1, so literally 5 minutes in! i frantically changed, then on the way to the bus i cut myself on my spikes :(. those spikes have given me like 5 cuts on my legs…dangerous.

then on the way there i freaked out because the coach told me i couldn’t go home with my mom, and that i had to go on the bus. but i had piano lessons! so i freaked out, and moped. later, though, we ended up just going to piano late and the teacher being surprisingly un-pissed.

the meet went great. it was at school SP, and they were pretty good. i PRed at long jump! my new record is 14’5″, which is pretty impressive for me, since i have never jumped other than at the meets.  no practice, no nothing.

i also talked to this new guy, PGF N. he’s popular, and we were just walking awkwardly next to each other and i though, why not? plus i was in a good confident mood so i introduced myself and we had a fun convo. he’s nice. i hope we become friends.

i did the 100m sprints, as well. i was the only one from my school. i got 1st in my heat! my time was 14.29. i know htats not good, but its good for me.

we did the relay! turns out, we are the freshman team. it’s weird because i swear the people on JV are all slower than me. as in, we raced together i beat them by like 2 seconds but whatever. they have one fast person, and she’s a junior.

i didn’t do hurdles, but i should have! their school sucked!

i got to school, ran off the bus and into my mom’s car, and we sped to piano. i did ok.

slept like a baby last night, overslept in fact. i rushed to school late.

friend PS was absent, but i walked out with friend TG. band was ok, but I’ve been doing really bad this week. my flute is insanely flat, even with the head joint pushed all the way in and rolled out a lot…..weird….

5 i had a test i think i did good on.

track was good/bad. we ran stadiums for punishment (someone dropped the baton yesterday).killer. four stairs, up and down each one, then sprint a lap. five of those.

then we pushed 20 lb sleds for 50 m, then went to starts and sprinted another 50. ten of those.

needless to say, i looked so gorgeous. i hid my face from crushV, but showed off my pushing the sled super fast. i know those workouts worked, because i was way fast.

3/16 – 3/18

On Friday I was in a good-ish mood. Spanish went extremely fun for some reason I cant recall….

Then I got to skip out on band because I went to my mom’s office to tweak the retainer thingy…..i ended up sittin gin a room waiting for like 2 hours, then taking like 5 impressions of my teeth since my jaw is so messed up it kept screwing up….yeah you try trying hard to keep your tongue out of a gooey mess of nasty stuff you just found out was made of ALGAE while working to keep drool from dropping out of your mouth…..ya get the idea bud.

While I was waiting there was this plate of cake….and crackers….and I had no chance. I ate like 500 calories of empty sweetness. The thing is, I don’t even like that stuff! It was just THERE….

So I got to school a little into 5 th period, and since I have no friends in that class I walked in wordlessly and no one noticed.

Track was fine. Turns out, im on the relay team! The freshman girls relay team….but whatever. I didn’t realize passing the baton was so complicated arg. But it was super fun and we laughed a ton.

I got home and was so tired but I managed to drag myself to church, no makeup. Im so proud of myself. Lately ive become more and more dependant upon makeup, and I think I needed this to prove to myself that I can go without and be confident.

I ate lentils at home, btw! With red bell peppers, sautéed onions and cilantro, and walnuts and cranberries. Sooo good….its always been my favorite. Plus, brussel sprouts on the side! The good type, cooked for a super long time so its not bitter anymore.

I slept right away….

Today was my brother’s birthday. We got up early and tried to make crepes, with were ok. Then I made banana bread, and it WAS SO GOOD. I took out a lot of the bad stuff, like I put in ¼ c sugar instead of 1 ½ C like the recipe called for. I substituted apple sauce in. then I added wheat flour instead of white, and cut the butter. But it was still amazing.

Then it happened.

My grandpa went out to get the mail…..

And there was this big package….

And I looked at it….

And it was from UCSD.

And I was so excited I tore it open and started screaming and yelling and jumping and I ran up to tell bro E and I smashed into a confused big brother. Then he saw it and started yelling too, and then our whole family was yelling and screaming and jumping and laughing and smiling and it was amazing.

Happy birthday, bro E.

We left to go shopping. We bought bro E and K converse shoes, and bro K a pair of jeans. (his first pair! He finally let in and bought jeans instead of cargo pants!) then I went and bought a beach cover up tank and vintage-looking elvis tee from H & M. abbey lee Kershaw is all over that store now. Its great.

It was pouring and we were soaked so we ran to this great hamburger place, the Counter. My and my mom got a rare beef, goat cheese with herb, bell pepper, sautéed onions, artichokes, grilled pineapples, ginger sauce, whole wheat bun burger! So good….a one pounder too. My brother K who eats like a pig ordered an entire one pounder….and finished it. Ugh.

Then we rushed home.

Great day. I going to miss my bro E so much, but im so happy for him at the same time…

Oh and I got a tumblr todat! Finally gave in…


bummer track meet and jazzy (3/14 – 3/15)


so yesterday i got to wear my spirit tshirt! i felt super preppy and peppy  haha. but that might have to do with getting up late start……yup. i had a great eating day again, super balanced! I’m gonna start a food journal.

i found out i have a B in spanish. it sucks. I’m depressed….first B ever… feels terrible.

my friend broke up with her boyfriend…..

band was boring.

lunch was ok….i just hung out with my old friends again and there was this nasty ‘pie eating contest’ for pie day, but they were like these creme oatmeal cookies, and you had to stuff as many as you could in your mouth in 31.4 seconds, and swallow it later. this guy had like 10 cookies hanging out of his mouth, and when the buzzer went off he was just sitting there concentration on poking the cookies into his mouth…..ugh. so gross you have no idea.

5 went boring.

track meet! i was slightly smarter this time about the whole checking in and spikes and whatnot, and i ran across the length of the field only about 3 times this week.

i did bad in long jump. i scratched the first (by like a half-inch, lady! just let it go!). i did a bad jump the second, like 12-9. and i did a horrible jump the 3rd….i thought i was gonna scratch again so i took this really weirdly long stride and i sucked at like 11-9. ugh.

then i went to hurdles and i got 2nd in my heat, which was decent but disappointing. i got a 19-20. i think thats ok for a 2nd timer, right?

then we waited around until 100 sprints, where i got 2nd to last, with a  15-something. bad.

then i tried the 200 m, and that was bad. just bad. last in my heat. like 31 seconds. sigh.

throughout the meet my mom was there, too, nagging me about wearing a jacket. i love my mom, but i really didn’t want her there, bc meets are to hang out with friends, not to have your mom following you around….

that night we got into a heated argument. multiple heated arguments, over nothing. on the way to piano, we yelled at each other for not understanding iTunes, then it was about piano, and then it was about how bad a mood i was in.


i slept late.



then, today, i got up at the regular time, which was torture. i wore a parisan-inspired boat neck striped shirt with skinny jeans and combat boots.

2 went fun.

4 went great. we are working on duos (with EMC) and our obsession for a certain teeny-bopper star inspired us to chose hannah montana episode 1. I’m hannah, jackson, and amber, and she’s everyone else. i like what we’re doing with it. crush v came over and was like ‘do you need help?’ and we were like, ‘nah, no one knows more about hannah than we do.” 🙂

we went into the other room and tried to get through the script, dying and lying on the floor cracking up.

lunch we went to FCA and we got jambe juice!

6 was ok. i talked to my counselor and turned in my schedule form. I’m sad that i have to do that….if i got into andover or exeter i wouldn’t be….

i talked to some girls i don’t really know so i would be a total loser, but i ended up just sitting there after a bit of awkward conversation.

track went fine. we ran stairs. he’s separated us into groups. we are the frosh girls group. only 4 of us are actually on the sprints squad, and we are the only ones that care. we ran stairs, then did some crazy-easy ab workouts.

then me and EMC walked out and had our thursday picnic (pesto pasta with egg-loaf!) when we saw SNK H. i yelled at him ‘what are you doing here so late?” and he obviously didn’t hear me because all he said was ‘hi!’. ?????

then later he came over and hung out with us since his parents came later or something. he’s nice, but sort of weird. when we went to go to jazz band, he came with us just cuz he had nothing better to do.

he helped set up the keyboard, then left. the instructor wasn’t there, so our band teacher directed us. she is so much more fun than the other one. we really went for the piece, and she does these hilarious impressions. then she let us rhythm section go early and taught me how to play ‘let it be’ but the beatles. did you know that none of the beatles read music? insane.

then we went off and goofed around, then when we left i forgot my track bag and this cute guy WB in our band class ran back and got it for me. d’awwwwwwww

good day overall.


well there is one thing.

i got to (sort of) sleep in today, because all the sophomores had to take this state test and everyone else was forced to go to school and sit for 3 hours and do nothing. no joke. i kid you not, nothing. apparently the school needs a certain amount of ‘instructional minutes’ and making poor children sit in a classroom and sleep instead in their warm beds at home and sleep counts….

but of course everyone knows thats stupid so half the kids ditch. including me.

but i still had to get up because 1) my grandparents ran in at 7:15 yelling at me to get up (they didn’t know) and 2) i had to go to my mom’s office to get my weird retainer thing tweaked.

but it ended up as me sitting in the stupid dentist chair doing absolutely nothing while my mom rushed back and forth between other patients. of course the health of her children comes after patients, haha.

so thats how i spent my free 3 hours, and then my brother dropped me off at school. i got there late….

i talked to friend AH, and we are planning to run a 5K together! should be fun. i finally saw friend SS….she went on a week long skiing trip bc her family’s all intense about that stuff.

then lunch came after (the testing messed up the schedule) and i hung out with my old crowd. i actually had a good time. ever since i started hanging out with other people, I’ve felt out of sync with them because they have all these inside jokes i don’t know about, and when ever they invite me to hang out i never can.

then debate. i had two chocolate cupcakes friend JS made. we did nothing because of the shortened period, plus the nat quals people were prepping… always.

then 6th. i was the 1st one in there. it was boring.

track was fun. we did the team warmup, then friend MB, EMC and i had fun trying these weighted sleds where they are like 50 lbs and you push them across the field…apparently i accidentally grabbed the guy one…..the really heavy one. i gave up 5 yds from the finish line haha.

btw, i had a ponytail on and I’ve discovered i love to flip it. plus i love swinging it while i walk or run, or jump…  makes me feel so peppy and cheerleader-y haha. i think i love it.

then we were putting away the weights and crush V came up to me and was like, here take it. (jokingly) only contact I’ve had with him for a while…..he says hi to me and EMC, but i can’t tell if he’s only saying hi to EMC.

then i hopped on over to long jump, where they literally finished up with technique right when i got there. i have been waiting for two weeks to do long jump technique. ugh.

so i went to hurdles, where it was pretty fun. the coach seems to think i have more potential, since she signed me up for the event without my asking and my friends didn’t get to sign up at all. i think its because i came first in my heat last meet.

we finished up and went home.

i ate a ton of food. like 2000 calories today.

i had no hw (yay!) so i just read twilight over and over and then surfed the web for a while.


you know what? I’m looking forward to a lot of stuff right now…..making banana bread this weekend for my brother’s birthday, the track meet tomorrow, spanish with friend PS……lifes going fine. i feel like I’m cruising.