band festival, deep thoughts and nightmares (3/8 – 3/10)

thursday nothing really happened. 1 was fun with friend PS. 3 was boring. 5 was boring.

in track we started a new team warmup, instead of each squad or separate event warm up. it took like an hour to set up, I’m next to no friends, and it doesn’t even warm you up sufficiently. then we ran stairs, which was good. i sweated for the first time since i joined track! I’m glad they finally decided to work us.

on the bright side, i’ve finally found PGF C! you know, the one from the winter debate tournament? yeah. he’s super nice. i hope we get close. plus, PGF T also said hi to me, which is big for him because he’s pretty girl-shy.

after, me and friend EMC sat and ate and had a picnic sort of thing. i saw a rabbit and chased it. then as we were talking, she told me that a guy from our school had committed suicide on wednesday.

i got really quiet. i still remember how close i was to suicide back in 7th grade. i remember thinking it was the perfect way out, and that god would forgive me, and that everyone would be happier without me or maybe not notice. i think maybe i was too quiet, and she noticed something wrong.

friend EMC…..i don’t think she ever has gone through anything tough in her life. she lives in a great house, a loving house with a steady family. she has never been unpopular, but she has never been popular either. she has no image problems, and she excels at everything. i would give anything to be her.

she doesn’t understand.

but i told her that day. not about suicide, but how when i was younger i used to look into people’s eyes. strangers, anyone, really, and see that they were hurting. that something was wrong…..and she wasn’t affected. she didn’t see it. ‘thats not true’ she told me, ‘people are fine.’

no, she doesn’t understand.

jazz band went ok.

friday nothing really happened either. true to his word, prezzie of debate is now making us work in class, and things are even more tense. we did a mini debate tournament and i kicked butt.

track we did the team warmup again, and its awkward because i just realized that crush V just happened to be in front of me to the left a bit. and he ignores me now (no returned message of fb, and no wave, and no ‘hey’ when we pass each other because i think he’s a jerk) so its just a teensy bit weird.

the sprints coach wasn’t here again so we ran two laps and left.

 then i went home and practiced piano since cm is tomorrow.
then i hit the sack early because today i had to get up early. but at night, around 1, i was woken up to the sound of my mom sobbing and my brother K ruthlessly verbally attacking her. this is the kind of great life i live.
i tried to ignore it. but i couldn’t take it anymore, and i got up and separated them and worked it out. its horrible, living in a household where we are split into many sides, and we are all stubborn and uncaring. my brother wants to run away, my other brother doesn’t care, my mom is so insecure she wants to leave, my dad is an asshole, my grandparents are tangled up in the mess of a lawsuit my dad put them in, and then theres there whole money issue and can’t-divorce problem.
i had a nightmare that night.
i remember it so vividly. the beginning did not make any sense, but what matters is that i got into trouble and accidentally killed some people. i was then wrongly accused of being guilty….and sentenced to death….
i remember waiting in a room. in a hospital ward kind of thing. and the man who was supposed to kill me was taking care of me. and friends came to see me, and promised they would straighten it out, and get me out.
but then they came back, saying they were sorry, they couldn’t help. i don’t know why, but the man who was supposed to kill me…..i liked him. he was nice. i think i was walking around the corner to be killed, and i peeked around and i saw him praying. about me…..asking god to help me. then i came out, and i asked if it would hurt, and he said yes. and i was so scared, i was trembling. then when he went to do it, i said wait. can you pray for me first? so he did, and as he did, he cut me open and filled me up with some fluid and then he cried, and his tears fell into me.
then i woke up, and i realized i was crying. then i relived my dream over and over and then i was sobbing silently into my pillow, and i didn’t even know why….then my mom woke up and asked if i was sick, because i was sniffing my nose. and i somehow managed to keep my voice steady as i told her, yes, I’m sick. no, nothings wrong. she doesn’t need any more to worry about, especially not a disturbed teenage daughter.
is there something wrong? i don’t know.
today i woke up early and went to the band festival. we did ok. sight reading went awful.
i got home and did nothing.

Published by unknownandanonymous

A journal written for me, by me. Bonus points for me if other people like reading it.

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