winter break 2012


on christmas day, we got up, and just was kind of like any other day. i made these amaaaaazing coconut banana pancakes (i bought a ton of coconut stuff) and just ate like all of it. we finally opened presents around 1, and to my surprise i actually got something. i got a new phone (!!!!) from my mom, but it’s a flip phone and only for emergencies. when i opened it i was kind of….bummed. phones are so expensive! but whatever, i think it was necessary…

i also got 100 bucks from my dad, but i’m going to sneak it back to him.

then, i got this hugggge speaker sound system bar for my iPod and mom’s iPad. i really want to return that, too, because i don’t think it’ll even hurt bro E’s feelings, i mean, it’s pretty much half for him anyway haha.

i may seem kind of unexcited, but it’s because i already bought 50 bucks worth of stuff online (got that peacoat!!)

that night, we had an impromptu christmas party with just friend KW’s parents and WP’s family. it was ok…me and friend KW painted my nails hideously, then we watched youtube videos.

on wednesday, i finnnnnaaalllly saw friend MB! she gave me the backstory on her eating disorder, and then she made a Facebook! we had a mini photoshoot for her profile picture.

on thursday, i was going to hang out with a friend, but instead we headed over to mom’s office and pulled wisdom teeth. bro K came first, and it took 2 hours for 3 teeth. he was pretty calm.

then bro E came, and his teeth were so messed up, they were in sideways and on it’s side. IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OUT. we had to break it into little pieces and dig them out. it took 5 hours. for 2 teeth. no joke. we were all practically crying and bro E was just begging us to stop.

we went home and i was so exhausted and just looking forward to sinking into my bed and doing nothing, and i started, but then i  looked at the clock and realized that instead of 5 o clock, it was 6 o clock. the time i’m supposed to leave for water polo. yeah, i screamed, and ran…

it sucked because i had pigged out 2 minutes before, because i thought it was an hour earlier!!! but we got there on time, and turns out it was the alumni game, so we didn’t do much anyway.



old friends, and bad days (what?)

so break is here, and it’s rolling.

you have no idea how freaking relieved i was!

all that sleep deprivation and stress was really catching up with me…

on saturday, we went to visit friend SJT! yes, the friend SJT from our china summer camp, the one my brother is best friends with. i am sooooo happy that my brother finally has a best friend, actually i’m just happy that he has A friend…he has some trouble connecting with people and his friends always seem to move away to other states and stuff. well, SJT does live like 2 hours away, but he texts her all the time and they talk every day i and i just know they’ll be close forever. I’m so glad he found someone that will always be there for him, i used to be worried he would get depressed or something. he’s lucky. i know i don’t have a friend that i can trust completely like that yet.

you know, i wish they would be together together, like couple, so then they could get married. i hope they do! but right now, i don’t think it’s looking like it. they’re just bestbestbestbest friends….and she’s so sweet!

we drove there (bro E, the jerk, didn’t want to go because he just wanted to be with his friends. a-hole. i guilted him into it) and when they saw each other they ran and screamed and hugged for 10 minutes. no joke.

we went out to eat, i ate so much i felt sick, but it was nice. then we went to the pier around there, and walked around the shops and saw this little street dance show going on…they pulled me, SJT, and bro K in for the demonstration. it was sort of sketchy, like they looked like druggies, but it was fun.

then we went to the arcade, where we spend like 10 dollars just playing the toy machine, where you use the toggle thing and guide the claw until it drops and you try to get a stuffed animal. well, i wrecked that thaaaaanggggg i got 4 out of 10! which is good for me because i’ve never gotten any before.

then we went and got froyo!

after that we went back to her house and opened presents (she’s so cute…she got me peanuts cuz she knows i love them and this really pretty watch…and for bro K she got him an iPod nano! and more, of course.) my bro got her a pair of turtle doves and wrote this huge long thing about it…it was touching to see him put that much effort into something. i can tell he really cares.

then it was time to go home… it was sad.

yesterday, we had church, and i gotta say i hate EMC’s guts. i don’t know what happened. i don’t know how we went to best friends to this. she ignores me…but then i feel like when we were friends, it was more that we were in a lot of activities together than actual friendship. i guess i just misunderstood.

so annoying that i still see her every sunday. she performed in the little christmas service today. annoying little miss perfect, playing her little instrument and my mom asks me why i don’t do that too.


after, we went christmas shopping, which was a wreck. i won’t go into details, but lets just say the day was wrecked, we were all in a bad mood, my brother got a stupid, pointless gift, EXPENSIVE gift for my dad, and we went home tired and miserable.

right after i went to friend CP’s house and we watched christmas movies and ate cheese sticks and alfredo and cookies and it finally felt like christmas. ❤

today was super productive. i woke up at 7:30, had a quick banana-peppermint-chocolate smoothie, and got down to business. all last week there was a HUGE pile of clothes (we are talking all of my clothes, in the middle of my room) just sitting there and i was too frazzled to clean it up. i finally did. 

it took 2 hours. for a pile of clothes.

then i went and started to clean.  i clean in, like, torrents. i go on cleaning sprees. i cleaned for two hours and got ‘er dun.

then i baked. i have baking sprees too. i made banana oat bars, banana-chocolate fudge, and date-chocolate larabars.

then i ate a late lunch, and played piano. then i searched for a peacoat (cuz my old one, the onei had my eye on for months and read all the reviews for and it FINALLY WENT ON SALE and my annoying mom didn’t let me buy it [‘wait, we’ll go shopping and then buy it later!’ yeah, right.] and when we came home from our miserable shopping trip it was sold out….yes in one day.), but didn’t find one for under 100 bucks, then played more piano. then i got extremely frustrated and stressed out and i hit the piano, and grabbed my iPod and went for a walk/run outside in the dark behind our neighborhood at my special place: the mountain trail.

it was really calming…i ran there in my sweats and pi’s and i listened to my music and just looked out at the view and just felt God. it was nice.

then i went back and my parents were worried, because apparently we were leaving soon and i had just suddenly disappeared and it was dark out…

we went to this rich, modern church and the service was entertaining, but i was so tired i fell asleep and did not hear any of it.

it’s christmas eve, and i’m going to sleep. MERRY CHRISTMAS!



…and that’s what my week consisted of.

never have i ever truly ‘crammed’ for a test, simply because school has always come easily to me. 

Well, not anymore. 

tried to study tuesday night for chem, realized i completely didn’t understand it, crammed wednesday night from 3-5, then again from 10-1. i actually went to the after-school study sessions. and the test went ok.

history, i planned to space it out a bit more, but chem just sucked out all the time. so i crammed for history the morning of, from 1-3. that test went….suckish…

needless to say, i was completely dead from this week. i have hideous bags under my eyes and i kept falling asleep in class… i would be looking at the teacher, then i would sort of fall forward and realized i almost fell asleep… hoodies and leggings all the way

crime and punishment was over and done, so we had a party.

math test was today, it went ok. 

That’s not ALL of it, though. i mean, last saturday my uncle stopped by (in between business meetings…he’s an important guy, with places to go. but always makes time for family. i sometimes wish my dad was more like him). He took us out to coffee, and I ordered a pina MOOlada shake from starbucks and i drank the whole thing, yup, all of it and i did not feel guilty. this is what water polo does to you.

speaking of water polo, it’s going a little better. last week was annoying because that girl H still hates me, but she wasn’t there yesterday or today so it was way fun. can you believe it, i was just talking to her and some other girls and she cuts me off and goes ‘just stop talking, everything you say is stupid anyway. keep saying stupid things, because it’s funny to see how dumb you are.’ i am not exaggerating, she actually said that, and i just stood there, ilke, who the heck do you think you are?


i’ve got a sort-of group going on. and i’m starting to get better. we were doing 100 m sprints, and she put me on a frikin’ 1:20 clock…i can’t do that! i died…i know that’s probably not very fast, but it’s fast for me. but i did make every time, so that’s something i’m proud of.


i was in line for the bathroom and i see her walk out and i was in shock and i just ran out from the line and hugged her for like 5 minutes straight. i miss her so much.

she’s definitely changed, she’s put on some weight but that’s good. she was so skinny before. you notice it in her cheeks, they’re more full and she’s not so bluish now. definitely more energetic. and she ate a cookie….she asked someone to formal, can you believe it? it was weird though, because we knew him from XC and they didn’t really talk all that much, but who cares?

now, cheerleader KC. she and i are sort of becoming friends. we are in the library together cuz of mutual friends, and she’s opened up in class. i exchanged numbers, so that’s a good thing.

i was supposed to go to a party tonight, but no one i knew was going so i just skipped. i had practice, and i was worn out from all that cramming, and i would have gotten there at like 10:30 anyway so i just didn’t see the point.

oh yeah, and happy end of the world.

so gooooood week altogether.


the colorado shootings. I don’t want to say that my ‘heart goes out to those  affected…’ because honestly, i feel that it’s said so much that it’s lost its meaning. people who i know don’t care at all about it just copy-paste things like that onto their Facebook status… but i will say that i truly, deeply, feel for the families and friends of those passed. I know it’s hard, and i know that it’s horrible, but God is definitely doing something here, so right there is a reason to be happy. if anyone is reading this, keep your head up because he knows the plans he’s got for you, plans not to harm you but give you a hope and a future…

sorry, bible, for murdering that quote.

tragedy hit twice that day. a sophomore boy at my school, a boy who was in my bio class year, committed suicide.

i don’t know what drove him to do that, but i know so many people were affected by this. i saw people crying, i saw the sad faces of my peers. it was a rainy, cold, bitter day. it was as if god was using the weather to symbolize these things.

i somehow feel it’s my fault. i knew him all last year, yet i did not say one word to him. i didn’t bother to even say hi or give a smile. all i did was sit there and whisper to my friends about what a slut his friend was, and how he was a little weird. then i just ignored him. 

i am horrible and pathetic. I cannot believe what a nasty, disgusting person i am. i had no right to judge him without even getting to know him, all i saw was a guy that wasn’t ‘worthy’ enough for my attention.

and even now, i don’t feel anything. i don’t feel sad for his death, i don’t feel affected. i don’t get it. isn’t now the time where the protagonist in the story has some transformation and becomes an amazing person?

there must be something wrong with me. my mom was right. i am selfish. 

but i’m going to try to change that.  


way too much

this is gonna be a long one.

once again, i’ve let an insane amount of time go by since my lost post. sorry, future me, but you won’t get a journal of what i’m feeling AT THAT MOMENT, but you WILL at least get a view of my reflections….

alright. break came and went way too fast, and school was backkkkkk. 

rundown of the schoolzzzz. chem. our table is pretty awesome, and i find myself looking forward to that class. popular guy has a great sense of humor, and we make fun of him for being the slacker. cheerleader KC is nice too, and funny. she’s starting to show the quirky side of her. actually, my friend AU from 6th is friends with her (they’re both cheerleaders) and when i hung out with her in the library after school a few times, cheerleader was there, too. so we got to know each other outside of chem. also, we’ve walked to class together…i’d love to get to know her, because she’s got such a fun personality, but i feel our friend groups are just too separate.

 weird philosopher is same old, same old. 

in spanish, i’ve gotten JR and ST’s numbers! they’re awesome in class, but we aren’t really hang out or talk outside of class friends yet….PGF Y is pretty nice, too, but a bit perverted and concerned with being cool. MC, sadly, doesn’t talk to me much anymore….i have a feeling it has to do with EMC.

and here we go with EMC. i can’t believe i was ever friends with her. she literally hasn’t talked to me in a month. we don’t say hi. we don’t contact each other. i think we did once talk, when we were both talking to a mutual friend, and she shot down everything i said. honestly, she’s always done that. and it’s annoying, because she doesn’t do it outright, but she just does this little WTF is she talking about laugh and goes ‘ok…’, as in ‘why would i care you are a freak’ kind of implications. but no one really notices that she does this all the time, and it’s not directly, like, dissing me or anything so no one thinks she’s being mean. when she does talk to me at church, it’s all business and all fake-nice, until someone better comes along and she ditches me. i get the feeling she talks about me, because friend JS and KM don’t talk to me anymore, either. i hope she feels good knowing that she was the one person i trusted enough to tell my stupid little problems with my family and my self image and my stresses to and just dropped me.

well i had to get that out.

i wonder what’s going to happen during track season when we are on the same relay…

then there’s my band section leader, who i now know has been saying things about me to the people in band. awesome. i so glad she’s leaving next year. i think she’s the one person i absolutely hate. of course she doesn’t know it. 

and though this looks like i am a spoiled, little teenager who has petty little problems, i just want to say that yes, that’s true, but this is my diary of sorts and that’s what i’m feeling. also i want to add that i tried, really tried to be nice to both these people and yet they still treat me like crap. so that’s it. 

back to school….

in 4th period, BB and i are getting closer. she makes me sad, in a way. her family is very well-off, but her parents are never home, so she has a driver that drives her everywhere. she lives pretty much alone in a big house that’s empty…i’m not even exaggerating. i just want to say that i am so happy for my family, even though they have their problems and i honestly wish with all my heart that my parents were divorced, at least i have parents at all. and though her clothes are cuter and she has more extracurriculars and and way more money, she doesn’t have siblings like mine or grandparents like me or my awesome friends.

in 5th, we moved seats. this popular junior guy talked to me outside of class…..overall, it’s ok, but i’m starting to struggle in math, which is absolutely crazy because i’ve never struggled in math in my life. that just goes to show that he’s a horrible teacher.

6th, i’m definitely close with my friends AC and AU. we wrote our crime and punishment essay, which i think i’ll do decent on.

school has been stressful, and i haven’t done anything the past weekend except study.

other friends in general, it’s good. I’ve started to spend waaaaay more time with friend AD. we skyped for like 2 hours one day and after that, it just clicked. she’s having her first real boyfriend. 

they made out. hardcore. which worries me because they went pretty far, and they’re still really early on….i want to influence her to be more, i don’t know, prude i guess but i don’t know how to tell her. i’m already the prude christian friend.

water polo is going better. this one girl doesn’t really like me, but that’s whatever. i have friends. i feel I’m improving. i’m getting close to friend CP and DM.

some events that happened: cross country banquet, piano recital (i practiced the whole day and panicked. it was a wake-up call for me…i need to bust my butt on piano).

i miss friend MB like crazy. she’s still in treatment for her ED, but she can see people and stuff. i skyped her. i’m scared to talk about food with her…i don’t know how she’ll react.

same with friend ERC. we haven’t skyped in forever, and it’s killing me. i really don’t want our friendship to just fade away…

I’m getting closer to this PGF C, and he’s gay but he doesn’t know that i know it. we’ll see where that goes. 

yesterday my brother had a health scare. he was shivering uncontrollably and the paramedics came, only for him to magically get better. also, i lurked his texts (i know, i know) and he’s making real connections with ST. i love her, and i’m soooooo happy for bro K that he finally has a true friend, one that’s always gonna be there for him and support him. in fact i’m jealous. i want someone like that…

i spent a while today looking at people on Facebook. and i realized they seem to have real friendships that they just throw everything into and aren’t afraid to screw up. i wondered why i don’t have that. and i think it’s because i’m very guarded, very insecure and i don’t trust people easily….

bro E came home yesterday. we went out today as a family with my uncle (but no dad) and it was great to have two brothers and just let loose. i love my brothers, no matter what i say about them sometimes. i am so fortunate to have them.

today was a good day.