storms

the colorado shootings. I don’t want to say that my ‘heart goes out to those  affected…’ because honestly, i feel that it’s said so much that it’s lost its meaning. people who i know don’t care at all about it just copy-paste things like that onto their Facebook status… but i will say that i truly, deeply, feel for the families and friends of those passed. I know it’s hard, and i know that it’s horrible, but God is definitely doing something here, so right there is a reason to be happy. if anyone is reading this, keep your head up because he knows the plans he’s got for you, plans not to harm you but give you a hope and a future…

sorry, bible, for murdering that quote.

tragedy hit twice that day. a sophomore boy at my school, a boy who was in my bio class year, committed suicide.

i don’t know what drove him to do that, but i know so many people were affected by this. i saw people crying, i saw the sad faces of my peers. it was a rainy, cold, bitter day. it was as if god was using the weather to symbolize these things.

i somehow feel it’s my fault. i knew him all last year, yet i did not say one word to him. i didn’t bother to even say hi or give a smile. all i did was sit there and whisper to my friends about what a slut his friend was, and how he was a little weird. then i just ignored him. 

i am horrible and pathetic. I cannot believe what a nasty, disgusting person i am. i had no right to judge him without even getting to know him, all i saw was a guy that wasn’t ‘worthy’ enough for my attention.

and even now, i don’t feel anything. i don’t feel sad for his death, i don’t feel affected. i don’t get it. isn’t now the time where the protagonist in the story has some transformation and becomes an amazing person?

there must be something wrong with me. my mom was right. i am selfish. 

but i’m going to try to change that.  

 

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