way too much

this is gonna be a long one.

once again, i’ve let an insane amount of time go by since my lost post. sorry, future me, but you won’t get a journal of what i’m feeling AT THAT MOMENT, but you WILL at least get a view of my reflections….

alright. break came and went way too fast, and school was backkkkkk. 

rundown of the schoolzzzz. chem. our table is pretty awesome, and i find myself looking forward to that class. popular guy has a great sense of humor, and we make fun of him for being the slacker. cheerleader KC is nice too, and funny. she’s starting to show the quirky side of her. actually, my friend AU from 6th is friends with her (they’re both cheerleaders) and when i hung out with her in the library after school a few times, cheerleader was there, too. so we got to know each other outside of chem. also, we’ve walked to class together…i’d love to get to know her, because she’s got such a fun personality, but i feel our friend groups are just too separate.

 weird philosopher is same old, same old. 

in spanish, i’ve gotten JR and ST’s numbers! they’re awesome in class, but we aren’t really hang out or talk outside of class friends yet….PGF Y is pretty nice, too, but a bit perverted and concerned with being cool. MC, sadly, doesn’t talk to me much anymore….i have a feeling it has to do with EMC.

and here we go with EMC. i can’t believe i was ever friends with her. she literally hasn’t talked to me in a month. we don’t say hi. we don’t contact each other. i think we did once talk, when we were both talking to a mutual friend, and she shot down everything i said. honestly, she’s always done that. and it’s annoying, because she doesn’t do it outright, but she just does this little WTF is she talking about laugh and goes ‘ok…’, as in ‘why would i care you are a freak’ kind of implications. but no one really notices that she does this all the time, and it’s not directly, like, dissing me or anything so no one thinks she’s being mean. when she does talk to me at church, it’s all business and all fake-nice, until someone better comes along and she ditches me. i get the feeling she talks about me, because friend JS and KM don’t talk to me anymore, either. i hope she feels good knowing that she was the one person i trusted enough to tell my stupid little problems with my family and my self image and my stresses to and just dropped me.

well i had to get that out.

i wonder what’s going to happen during track season when we are on the same relay…

then there’s my band section leader, who i now know has been saying things about me to the people in band. awesome. i so glad she’s leaving next year. i think she’s the one person i absolutely hate. of course she doesn’t know it. 

and though this looks like i am a spoiled, little teenager who has petty little problems, i just want to say that yes, that’s true, but this is my diary of sorts and that’s what i’m feeling. also i want to add that i tried, really tried to be nice to both these people and yet they still treat me like crap. so that’s it. 

back to school….

in 4th period, BB and i are getting closer. she makes me sad, in a way. her family is very well-off, but her parents are never home, so she has a driver that drives her everywhere. she lives pretty much alone in a big house that’s empty…i’m not even exaggerating. i just want to say that i am so happy for my family, even though they have their problems and i honestly wish with all my heart that my parents were divorced, at least i have parents at all. and though her clothes are cuter and she has more extracurriculars and and way more money, she doesn’t have siblings like mine or grandparents like me or my awesome friends.

in 5th, we moved seats. this popular junior guy talked to me outside of class…..overall, it’s ok, but i’m starting to struggle in math, which is absolutely crazy because i’ve never struggled in math in my life. that just goes to show that he’s a horrible teacher.

6th, i’m definitely close with my friends AC and AU. we wrote our crime and punishment essay, which i think i’ll do decent on.

school has been stressful, and i haven’t done anything the past weekend except study.

other friends in general, it’s good. I’ve started to spend waaaaay more time with friend AD. we skyped for like 2 hours one day and after that, it just clicked. she’s having her first real boyfriend. 

they made out. hardcore. which worries me because they went pretty far, and they’re still really early on….i want to influence her to be more, i don’t know, prude i guess but i don’t know how to tell her. i’m already the prude christian friend.

water polo is going better. this one girl doesn’t really like me, but that’s whatever. i have friends. i feel I’m improving. i’m getting close to friend CP and DM.

some events that happened: cross country banquet, piano recital (i practiced the whole day and panicked. it was a wake-up call for me…i need to bust my butt on piano).

i miss friend MB like crazy. she’s still in treatment for her ED, but she can see people and stuff. i skyped her. i’m scared to talk about food with her…i don’t know how she’ll react.

same with friend ERC. we haven’t skyped in forever, and it’s killing me. i really don’t want our friendship to just fade away…

I’m getting closer to this PGF C, and he’s gay but he doesn’t know that i know it. we’ll see where that goes. 

yesterday my brother had a health scare. he was shivering uncontrollably and the paramedics came, only for him to magically get better. also, i lurked his texts (i know, i know) and he’s making real connections with ST. i love her, and i’m soooooo happy for bro K that he finally has a true friend, one that’s always gonna be there for him and support him. in fact i’m jealous. i want someone like that…

i spent a while today looking at people on Facebook. and i realized they seem to have real friendships that they just throw everything into and aren’t afraid to screw up. i wondered why i don’t have that. and i think it’s because i’m very guarded, very insecure and i don’t trust people easily….

bro E came home yesterday. we went out today as a family with my uncle (but no dad) and it was great to have two brothers and just let loose. i love my brothers, no matter what i say about them sometimes. i am so fortunate to have them.

today was a good day.

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