regret

so i just had a blow up fight with my mom. my poor, worn down, vulnerable, open wound of a mother…and i yelled at her. i was so cruel.

it was so stupid. the dumbest fight ever. it was about water polo, and whether i should go with the bus to the away game or if she would send me. she argued that i would be more rested if she sent me, which would let me practice piano more. which was ridiculous, because instead of just going with the bus, i would go home for like 20 minutes, then she would have to drive me there, which would take 30 minutes there and then she would have to drive back. waste of time and gas. i wouldn’t get to see the varsity game, and it honestly wouldn’t benefit my piano in any way.

but that was what we fought over. and i was just so mad, i wasn’t even thinking and we were both yelling and then she started crying.

i hate it when she cries. it just makes you feel horrible, and it’s all your fault, and you remember that you have to be careful around her, around everyone in this house. you don’t want to push anyone too far. and she’s dealing with so much, and time and time again i swear i’ll be just a little doll doing anything she wants, and then i lose it and just ruin everything like this.

she’s crying in her room right now, and it’s all my fault. all because of me. it’s always because of me. people can be so cruel, and i never think that i would be until i am. and i realize what i’ve done and i regret, but it’s too late.

she’s sitting there feeling lonely and abandoned and hopeless and crying, and it’s all my fault.

and now i feel like a little spoiled privileged rich girl who’s only problems are fights with her mom. but it’s so much more than that. so much more, and i can’t even explain.

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