So it was Friend ML’s birthday last week. I sent him a card and it was pretty awesome. That’s about all I got.
So I just finished the first full week of school (the others were shortened weeks).
It was long.
I was worn out by Wednesday.
I don’t know…I just lost my grip on time management and such, and I didn’t do well on tests, or forgot homework. Little things like that.
The problem is that I now have C’s, D’s, and one F in all of my classes.
Interestingly, I’m quite calm about this. I think I may be in shock. I’ve never fallen below an A in my life, so….Yes. I think it’s denial and shock. I’m sort of just sitting around and waiting for it to get better.
So…this is about school. And how I treat people.
I’ve been so much kinder to everyone. I say hello to people I know, I smile at strangers, I attempt to include outsiders, I try to genuinely get to know people I used to look down on because they weren’t ‘cool’ enough. I also try to genuinely get to know people I used to think were ‘too cool’, or shallow.
It’s gotten me so much happier. I legitimately enjoy my life, and I legitimately feel attached and concerned about everyone. I participate in class, unashamed of seeming like a dork, and I’m not embarrassed of being in band. Or playing piano.
I don’t know. Life is just so good right now. I can’t help but feel like this is Friend ML’s doing, with his philosophy of “Do whatever you can to make other people’s lives easier.” It used to be forced, but now it comes naturally.
Just kidding! We finally got a chance to chat on Wednesday, and today we finally got to talk. Like, actually talk. Like, over Skype. It was fun and he met my mom…except I’ve told my mom how he reminds me of my brother, and she was all to ready to bring that up…hello awkward reminders of his crush and how I rejected him…
But it was ok. We ended up talking for like 2 hours even though we both had stuff to do.
Ahhhh I miss him. And everyone. I miss everyone.
Why are Friend ML and I growing apart? It’s only been a month. We’ve run out of things to talk about. It makes me sad.
This just struck me for some reason
I used to think that only I got nervous for performances, for public speaking, for…well, really, anything public.
But, after Interlochen, after hearing pretty much everyone admitted to stage fright (including my teacher, who is a world-class performer and phd of Juilliard…she had a particularly horrifying live-performance horror story), and watching some amazingly talented friends screw up, I came to the comforting conclusion that every gets that way.
So, in the light of a piano performance today, here is my stream of consciousness for ya’ll to delight in (and hopefully relate to).
*sitting in the front row, watching the performer directly before me*
Dang, this person is good. Although her hair is greasy. I wonder if people judge my hair. They probably do. I’ll put my hair up, so they can’t judge it. Oh, but then people will see my face if I mess up….I’ll leave it down. Wait. I’m not going to mess up. I’ll put it up. Wait. No. I’ll leave it…..down? Yes, down. Oh, look, my hands are all clammy now. And….there goes my heartbeat. Sounds like a bass to a techno song. That’s it. I’m screwed. It’s all because of my hair.
Ok, your name is being called. Walk up there. That’s it. Should I bow? Did the performer before me bow before her performance? Will it be awkward? Ok, since I’ve paused, now I have to.
Wow, that was an awkward curtsy. Especially since I’m not wearing a dress, so I pulled out an imaginary skirt.
Sit on the chair.
Man, my heart is really working hard today.
Oh crap oh crap oh crap.
What’s the first note? What piece am I playing? What am I doing? Why am I up here in the first place?
My hair is in my face.
Oh, that’s right, it’s a G. It’s a trill.
My right hand is trilling. What now. What now. My left hand does something. Anything.
This trill is getting awkwardly long.
Oh, that’s it. There we go.
Clear your mind. Focus. This is going to be fi-
DID A BABY JUST WHINE. BABY, ARE YOU WHINING BECAUSE I SUCK?!?! Am I that bad?
No. Focus. Screw the baby. The baby can do whatever the heck it wants. You are going to play.
Cadence. Section 2. Where does it start? How does it go? AHHHHHH- oh. Oh yeah.
This isn’t so bad.
But my hands are clammy. And my hair is still in my face. I need to move it. It’s also really hot in here. Maybe that’s why my hands are clammy.
Also my heartbeat is distracting. Why is it so loud?
This actually, in truth, is not so bad. It’s not. Really.
Zone. Calm. Play. You are fi-
OMIGODOMIGOD I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S NEXT.
Omigodomigodomigod somebody kill me.
I’m stuck. I think that should be D Major. Let’s try that.
Nope, that definitely isn’t it.
Just play random chords. Keep the melody going. You will survive. You will survive.
Ok. OK. Come on, brain. Come on, muscle memory. Feel free to kick in. You know. Whenever is fine. Just about now would be amazing.
My. Hair. Is. In. My. Face.
Wow, my fingers look really pale.
WAIT. That was it. That was a right cadence.
GO! GO! GO! Go, muscles, like you practiced. I’m gonna zone out now. Do your thing.
Annnnnndddd….V7, I. Finish.
Stand up and face the freaking audience. Smile. SMILE. Act like you did the best freaking performance in the world.
Now walk offsta-
Wait. No. Curtsy.
Wait. No. Scratch that. Bow.
Come up smiling. You are done. You are done.
You are done.
Screw my hair.