So, I’m a terrible person.
First day of class, I was doing my extroverted, friendly act. The one that pulls in tons of people, and that I’ve learned to use. It’s very effective. It’s partly become my personality, because my personality’s definitely changed significantly in the past year (starting with, but not completely because of, Interlochen), but that’s a subject for another post.
I met KY. He was nice. He was a bit of an outsider, but it was the first day, and everyone was very awkward and quiet (except for me doing my extroverted thing – which is why everyone was drawn to me. Very predictable). He waited outside while I talked to the teacher for 10 minutes, and then we exchanged numbers. I noticed he was a bit of an outsider, but because of my recent outlook on others, I treated him like anyone else.
And he is extremely nice. He went out of his way to help me find my car, invited me to come do homework with him. All very chill.
But my stupid remnants of my younger, insecure, selfish self are obviously still hiding around in my mind, because although I treat him totally normally, I still think differently about him.
His skateboard has a cuss word on it. He has habit of adding the word ‘shit’ into every sentence – I don’t think he even realizes that he says it. He mumbles. He just looks like the type of guy who, had I not talked to him, I would probably avoid. Out of…what? Fear? I don’t know.
I hate to say it, but I’m slightly scared of him.
Does he do drugs? Does he watch porn? I know nothing.
I’m ashamed that these things even run through my head. I could blame it on my mother’s teachings – she’s long judged solely on appearances.
After all this ‘improvement’ in my view of others – all my work on empathy and being less self-centered – it’s only to people that I see as friendly. Beneficial.
How frustrated I am with myself.
Because honestly, the only one I can blame is myself. But I’m also the only person I can change.