I saw YM at break every day for an entire week and didn’t suck up the nerve to greet him.

WB just called after a typical day of not talking to me, and I held my phone in my hands, watching it ring and ring and ring and then stop.

Things have just not been going well for me.

Actually, that’s not true. Things have been going wonderfully – better than ever. My parents don’t fight nearly as much, I’m not stressed one bit, and everything’s fine and dandy. No deaths in the family, no police calls, no struggles really.

I’ve just, honestly, not been a great person. Or maybe I was never really a great person, and now it’s all finally catching up with me.

You know, my dad told me a while back that I’m not kind, and that I really only have friends because of my looks. Obviously, I took that as utter bullshit, because I am decidedly average looking (which I believe I’ve quite healthily accepted).

But I feel like I’m not actually close friends with any of the people I admire as humans. And, paradoxically, although I tell myself otherwise, I do sometimes feel left out. I do sometimes want to party and drink and hang out with ‘cool’ people who don’t share any interests or values with me. And then I feel sorry for myself for being so pathetic for even wanting that at all.

I feel like for so long, I put energy into all the wrong relationships, or I didn’t put energy into relationships, and when I finally started trying, it all fell down on me for whatever reason. For wanting to seem…I don’t know, aloof? As part of a some made-up persona – I tried to be that girl who had a ton of different friends and she didn’t need whoever she was with at the moment, because there were others.

And, of course, people get tired of that facade. They move on. Or, I don’t know, maybe they believed it and decided to move on. They go and make connections with other people. Because no one’s going to wait.

Sometimes, I want to make myself completely vulnerable – reach out. But let’s be honest – getting rejected sucks. I went for a high-five from KD, after which he gave me an odd look and told me it wasn’t for me. I smiled at WB and he glanced away. I practically beg to be invited to PD’s plans. I rang KD’s doorbell to randomly say hi and possibly talk, but chickened out and left after two words.

But most times, I just hold my head up in mock-confidence and pretend that I have friends, or at least don’t care that I don’t have friends, and I tell myself that all I need to do is get through these last months of high school before i can go to college and start all over.

And I’ve said this before, but this all makes me even angrier at myself because none of this would even bother me were I not so self-centered. If none of these snubs were on my radar – If I was so focused on doing good in the world and improving others’s lives, I would not be a depressed, melodramatic, lonely teenager.

Published by unknownandanonymous

A journal written for me, by me. Bonus points for me if other people like reading it.

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