My dad’s leaving today – I didn’t think I would care, really. For as long as I can remember, I was absolutely stoked about this. And I still am, really. I’m so happy that he’s finally going to be happy. That, I cannot express enough.
But it feels so odd. It’s not like the last time he left, because the last time I was a little kid who was brainwashed by my mom; I’d thought he was such a horrible person, and I was glad to see him go.
But this time, I’ve gotten to know him and understand him. He’s not a horrible person. Half of our problems were because of my mom. I get that. And the past few years, he really tried to be a good dad. I was the one who pushed him away.
It’s not that I don’t want him to leave, because I do, for everyone’s sake. It’s more like I don’t want him to leave thinking that he’d ruined me, or been a bad dad. I don’t want him to have left because he was rejected; I want him to leave because there are better things ahead for him elsewhere. So that he could finally be free of us, not because we want to be free of him.
So…yeah. Currently attempting to muster up the guts to give him the letter I wrote, owning up to my crappy daughter-ness.