Friend JH

Ok, Friend JH has been unfairly represented here in that he has not been represented at all.

JH has somehow become such a great part of my life, such a rock. I feel so comfortable and natural around him that I completely forgot to write about him.

Does that even make sense?

He’s like my brother. I can see him looking like crap, and I give no shits. I consistently act like a raving idiot with him, and it feels great because he doesn’t judge. You remember how I have rooster crowing singing matches with bro K? I have the equivalent embarrassing behavior with JH, and it’s the greatest. I can spend days with him and feel completely energized. And there’s no sexual attraction, which makes it even more amazing because it means he’s genuinely my soul brother.

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Introducing: Crush AYl

Oh no. Oh lordy.

Let’s put it right out there: I am attracted to a post-doc at the lab.

This is obviously a problem, because he’s 28 years old (I remember purposely guiding the conversation towards his age when I first met him). And I’m 18. On the way home, I kept thinking about how 5 years ago, I was 13, in middle school, writing ridiculous blog posts (which are delightfully still accessible on this blog partly because I’m sadistic and partly because I feel it’s my duty to always have the reminder that that was me). 5 years ago, he was 23, a PhD student.

But I can’t help this.

As of a few hours ago (when I realized that I was attracted to him), I have that can’t-stand-this feeling in my stomach – I want to talk to him and have in my company so bad.

Our relationship, from the start. He completely ignored me, completely absorbed in his work as I socialized around the lab, until I showed curiosity in his project. “I’ll show you my work sometime,” he mentioned as I left.

He was recruited to monitor me clean up a station.

I started saying hello. I want to remember the time I was slicing a brain and I greeted him as he walked by, and he did a double take, leaned over, and did this little wave because I was an adorable little kid to him. And the other time we passed each other and he did this head nod of approval that was so cool and collected, but from his reserved personality, I felt like I’d won the jackpot of friendship.

He asked if I was coming to the lab meeting, and when I wasn’t, he offered to present it to me later.

We were sitting in our aisle and talking with everyone. YHl was talking about himself, and ADl started to voluntarily talk about himself and give me advice. He showed me his project and talked for an hour. When a medical student came to visit the lab, he basically ignored her and taught me. And when she left, he basically kept teaching me more things, and it was like it was just because he liked me as a person. I just kept shadowing him for the rest of the day, and he joked around with me and was honestly such a great teacher. So excited when he talked about his project – I would ask a question, and his eyes would just light up.

Didn’t seem adverse when I implied an out-of-lab hang out.

I mean, I’m technically 18. Nothing would be illegal here…right?

Profile: Crush AYl

Light eyes. Casual, clean cut. Tall, on the thin side, but muscled. Looks like a swimmer. Referenced football in high school. Surfs. Has a huge telescope when I mentioned stargazing. Ridiculously bushy beard juts out on the clean look of the rest of his appearance. Reserved. Aloof from afar. Upright in posture. Calm and cool. INTJ. Loafers. Rare to smile or laugh, but it’s magic when you make it happen. Exacting and perfectionist with his work. Unknown – half the things I know about him are from random casual comments and not because he told me directly. An easy rapport. Comfortable with not filling the silence. Research for the cutting edge thrill over money and safe boredom. Extremely willing to help me. “You know, I skipped over this part, but it’s actually the most interesting,” when the med student left and we’d sat in ‘what next’ silence for a minute. “I want to show you something,” and going out of his way to do it. Passionate about science. Keenly intelligent. A liveliness when he talks about his passion. Turned down Ivy League just for the weather. A sense that his mind is above mundane things. A sense that he liked my company. A sense that he trusted me.

The Evolution of My Crushes

It hit me as I was driving home: I think I have a type.

Let’s think of all the guys I have been attracted to, and let’s think why.

Crush V: Ah, Crush V. This takes me back to those times when I first started this blog – those posts that I look back and cringe on because it’s not quite far enough in the past to laugh at. But I stand by this crush. Intelligent, kind, and good at debate. Somewhat athletic. Ivy-leaguer, if that says anything.

*Massive black hole that I don’t remember*

ML: Genuinely kind. At least he was when I met him.

YM?: Kind. Not sure if genuinely kind, but he’s good at faking it.

WB, obviously. Keenly intelligent, genuinely kind, and talented with music (and everything, really, but it was music that got me first). And he seemed…deep. Complex. Like there was a ton I didn’t know; that no one knew.

And now, Crush AYl: From the lab. Keenly intelligent, I think (?) genuinely kind, and passionate about his work. Profile here.