I went over to his house to watch a movie last night, and I refused to make out. My little way of testing whether he was just down for the hookup.
After the movie, we kissed for a minute or two, before I wound up the guts and cut us short and asked, “Hey…what are we?”
To which he ambiguously answered something about how all relationships were different and there was no real way fit them into labels.
Yeah, I kind of wanted a label. For a first relationship, labels help me know what to expect. How much to invest, and how far to go. It’s common understanding, so that both parties can be on the same page.
I let him know how it bothered me that no one else could know about the relationship. That was the first time we acknowledged that, even though it was obviously tacitly implied. He didn’t really say anything. He did say something about how later on, it might become more acceptable. I mean – that’s a lot later. Like, years. I didn’t say that to him.
I reminded him that I was leaving for college. “What then?”
His situation was stable, static, he told me. Which it is. At 29, his life is set. He has a job; he’s settling down. The changing factor, he reminded me, was me.
“This relationship isn’t just physical for me,” he said. “And I’m not doing anything like this with anyone else.”
“Whatever you choose, I’ll always be here for you. And I’m looking forward to you coming back for winter break.”
So, in short. He’s serious. He wants to stay with me while I’m at college, even though there’s nothing physical that can happen. He’s thinking into the future – towards winter break in December, and maybe even towards years down the line, to when our relationship will be more acceptable.
Everyone is breaking up for college. Couples who have been together for forever are breaking up for college. Common sense says that this relationship – which has been going for a total of two weeks, and which no one knows about, and which is taboo in society – should end.
I don’t want to waste his time. At his age, I don’t blame him for looking for something serious. But at my age, I can’t blame myself for wanting to keep my options open. I have a whole world to meet, you know? I’ve seen nothing – he’s been all over. I don’t want him to invest so much in me, and I don’t want to crush him if it doesn’t work.
Since we’re thinking that far into the future, I’m thinking of all the little things that don’t mesh with us. Our diets. He lives off of cereal, milk, and eggs. He’s a movie buff. He doesn’t really read. He doesn’t listen to classical, or jazz, or bluegrass. He’s a die-hard atheist. I’d say that’s the hugest problem – my mom will never be ok with him. I’m not even sure if I like his stance – he looks down upon religion so much.
I don’t know. I just don’t know.