Atheism

I mean, I don’t think I’m atheist at this point (I’m still procrastinating on that religion post – I think I’m too confused to write), but after reading http://www.buzzfeed.com/tomchivers/when-i-was-a-child-i-spake-as-a-child#.gb952BJzP (yes, it’s a Buzzfeed article; lay off), I found many of my thoughts basically written there, just more eloquently.

This one in particular:

“It’s true that in a century or two my existence will be forgotten, but I find it comforting to know that everything we stress over will be lost in the merest blip of cosmological time. The universe doesn’t care about my mortgage; our obscurity and irrelevance can be a blessing as well as a burden.”

Is something I couldn’t articulate well when I was trying to communicate it to my friend a while ago. Was it AD? Or my mother? I think it was my mother. She was sobbing from some fight with my dad, and we were outside our garage, and I just pointed to the stars.

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Snapshot

Relationships blowing up and developing and straining and fading. Complicated feelings. Long talks in dark cars with JH. Crawling up to AYl and kissing sideways as he lies down. His smiling eyes. “You’re distracting me,” cuddling on the couch. Saturn and Hercules. Mosquito bites. Borges.

Packing and moving and screaming and crying. Phone calls and my shaky voice on the floor of the garage in fluorescent lights.

Goat cheese and cherry jam and bread and over easy eggs. Spending way too much on gas. Still Growing Up. I’ll Live. Life advice from postdocs.

When EMC and WB and I collide

Oh, goodness.

I guess, if you’ve been following my influential relationships for the past few years, you would be well acquainted with the roller coaster that is EMC, and the rocky road that is WB.

EMC dropped a huge text bomb on me, just as I had come to terms with the relationship. She acknowledged the troubles we had (the most recent ones – the tail end of senior year) and oh gosh, I don’t know.

I guess we just had too many classes together senior year to keep ignoring each other. So I tried. I tried to have her back in my life. But she’d moved on, and was too close with too many of my mutual friends, without actually being friends with me, and it hurt too much – I pulled back. To avoid getting hurt, I guess. Too late. I got hurt anyway.

I called her, and we talked. Don’t get me wrong – nothing’s fixed. It’s just out in the open now.

“So…what now?” I asked.

We don’t know. We won’t be friends, I don’t think. I don’t know how I feel about having talked about it. On one hand, hearing it come from her – that she’d noticed – that helped. At least it affected her, in some way. In an unhealthy sort of comfort, it was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one caring and being hurt by this relationship.

On the other hand, it re-opened a wound that had just closed. I’d finally moved on. I’d finally started building relationships and circles sans EMC; I’d finally come to be at peace that we were separate. That’s dashed to bits, now.

Now, WB.

We had a rocky relationship through senior year, as well. Come to think of it, I was very much alone this year partly because I’d leaned on WB so much before, and having that disappear was like falling into nothing. It was EMC from freshman year, all over again.

We’d fixed it, WB and I. Talked it through, completely, and worked things out.

And then he goes and tells EMC about it.

I don’t know.

Maybe I’m being melodramatic. But the thought of WB talking to EMC, the one person with whom I’m tense with, about me, and about the relationship between WB and EMC…it just hit such a sensitive chord for me. When I’d worked things out with WB – that had been so hard for me. I’d told him everything – all the insecurities that got in the way, all the problems; I’d made myself completely vulnerable to him. And to have him sit over lunch with EMC and casually talk, and sit there and discuss me to her, the most private and dark and hidden part of me, just hit me so hard.

WB, what I told you was private. I trusted you.

You blew it.

“The Talk” with AYl

I went over to his house to watch a movie last night, and I refused to make out. My little way of testing whether he was just down for the hookup.

After the movie, we kissed for a minute or two, before I wound up the guts and cut us short and asked, “Hey…what are we?”

To which he ambiguously answered something about how all relationships were different and there was no real way fit them into labels.

Yeah, I kind of wanted a label. For a first relationship, labels help me know what to expect. How much to invest, and how far to go. It’s common understanding, so that both parties can be on the same page.

I let him know how it bothered me that no one else could know about the relationship. That was the first time we acknowledged that, even though it was obviously tacitly implied. He didn’t really say anything. He did say something about how later on, it might become more acceptable. I mean – that’s a lot later. Like, years. I didn’t say that to him.

I reminded him that I was leaving for college. “What then?”

His situation was stable, static, he told me. Which it is. At 29, his life is set. He has a job; he’s settling down. The changing factor, he reminded me, was me.

“This relationship isn’t just physical for me,” he said. “And I’m not doing anything like this with anyone else.”

“Whatever you choose, I’ll always be here for you. And I’m looking forward to you coming back for winter break.”

So, in short. He’s serious. He wants to stay with me while I’m at college, even though there’s nothing physical that can happen. He’s thinking into the future – towards winter break in December, and maybe even towards years down the line, to when our relationship will be more acceptable.

But me…

Everyone is breaking up for college. Couples who have been together for forever are breaking up for college. Common sense says that this relationship – which has been going for a total of two weeks, and which no one knows about, and which is taboo in society – should end.

I don’t want to waste his time. At his age, I don’t blame him for looking for something serious. But at my age, I can’t blame myself for wanting to keep my options open. I have a whole world to meet, you know? I’ve seen nothing – he’s been all over. I don’t want him to invest so much in me, and I don’t want to crush him if it doesn’t work.

Since we’re thinking that far into the future, I’m thinking of all the little things that don’t mesh with us. Our diets. He lives off of cereal, milk, and eggs. He’s a movie buff. He doesn’t really read. He doesn’t listen to classical, or jazz, or bluegrass. He’s a die-hard atheist. I’d say that’s the hugest problem – my mom will never be ok with him. I’m not even sure if I like his stance – he looks down upon religion so much.

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

An Update on the Relationships that Currently Matter to Me

WB. He was gone for three weeks, but we’re hanging out soon. With AYl in my life, I have no inhibitions about texting WB – like the way I text JH.

JH. Such a nerd, but such a great guy. High school’s over, and I’m learning to say screw it with regards to social status and watching who I’m friends with. We run together, we go out to eat, and we talk and talk because he’s my brother from another mother, and I love him to death.

ED. Oddly boy-crazy asian girl. So cute looking, yet so horny. She has this oddly superficial, self-centered view of life, but I can’t help but enjoy being around her. Despite our wildly disparate life philosophies, we don’t act all that differently, from afar. We read together, and I trust her with my AYl stories, and altogether, we’ve grown much closer within the past month.

RH. Since I’m working near her house, we’ve been hanging out, which is great, because I absolutely love spending time with her. She’s kind of the girl version of JH – we have a ton in common, and it’s all so natural when I’m with her.

KS. We saw each other for the first time a few days ago. Neither of us make time for the other. I like being with her, but I feel like we’re not quite friends. It’s an odd relationship, because we trust each other and share intimate details about our life easily (based on our relationship from young), but we have so little in common now – few mutual friends, different interests/life goals – that our relationship can’t go anywhere. It’s stagnant.

AD. Her priority is clearly her boyfriend, even though I love her to death.

An Update on the Relationships I’ve Forgotten About

I guess when people fade out of your life, sometimes it’s seamless.

YM. We hung out solo a few times, and saw each other in group settings, and then both of our attendances to the group settings got spotty, and we kind of didn’t talk to each other in the group, anyway. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a month. This really should tear me up, but I’ve kind of accepted that YM is a man-flirt and the special connection I thought I had with him was something that he simulates with absolutely everyone. That time we spontaneously stayed up talking until 3am? He’s done that with at least three other people.

EMC. Senior year, she was at the point at which she didn’t really want to be friends with me, but we had too many mutual friends and classes together to hate each other. Our relationship was more “Hey! Can you take a picture of [group of friends that I’m also clearly friends with] us? Thanks.” Which, honestly, would have been ok, I guess, except that we just have too much history for that to be ok. Since summer started, I haven’t seen her at all. I intensely dislike attending church functions because I know she’ll be there. It’s much better this way.

KD. There’s not even anything to say here. We stopped being friends the moment he got a girlfriend back in December, and I feel completely used because apparently all I was was a potential girlfriend to him. That’s time invested in a person, all gone to shit.

AYl – Doubts

Well, I just slept over at AYl’s place again. Planned, this time.

We went further than before. Each time, we go a bit further, so I’ve never felt uncomfortable, even though we’re probably moving faster than we should. Especially including the fact that two weeks ago, I’d never kissed a guy at all.

A few developments running through my mind:

  1. I think I have a problem of not being able to be turned on. Yeah, sometimes it feels good, but a lot of the time, I’m faking it.
  2. When he gets turned on, I get freaked out. It’s not hot to me. It’s slightly gross and uncomfortable. His expression, especially – it’s not just him; I mean, in movies, it’s always slightly nasty to me. Although if I’m not looking and/or thinking about it, hearing him gasp is a little gratifying.
  3. I feel used. I want to define our relationship, but I can’t conjure up the guts to bluntly talk to him about it – and that in itself raises questions about our relationship. All he ever wants to do is make out. We do talk about interesting topics, but he doesn’t ask me that much about my life. We text about whatever, but, again, he doesn’t delve into my life, although he shares about his. He takes me on well-planned dates and tries hard to make me have a good time, but is that because he likes he as a person (girlfriend), or because he wants a hook-up that night?
  4. He’s so much older. My goodness, he’s so much older. I recently freaked myself out thinking about a certain math teacher I had back in sophomore year – I think AYl is older than that teacher. And that messes with me in so many ways. I keep reading about Generation X vs. Millenials vs. Generation Z, because at the worst case scenario, there’s possibly a two generation gap between us?!