AYl – Doubts

Well, I just slept over at AYl’s place again. Planned, this time.

We went further than before. Each time, we go a bit further, so I’ve never felt uncomfortable, even though we’re probably moving faster than we should. Especially including the fact that two weeks ago, I’d never kissed a guy at all.

A few developments running through my mind:

  1. I think I have a problem of not being able to be turned on. Yeah, sometimes it feels good, but a lot of the time, I’m faking it.
  2. When he gets turned on, I get freaked out. It’s not hot to me. It’s slightly gross and uncomfortable. His expression, especially – it’s not just him; I mean, in movies, it’s always slightly nasty to me. Although if I’m not looking and/or thinking about it, hearing him gasp is a little gratifying.
  3. I feel used. I want to define our relationship, but I can’t conjure up the guts to bluntly talk to him about it – and that in itself raises questions about our relationship. All he ever wants to do is make out. We do talk about interesting topics, but he doesn’t ask me that much about my life. We text about whatever, but, again, he doesn’t delve into my life, although he shares about his. He takes me on well-planned dates and tries hard to make me have a good time, but is that because he likes he as a person (girlfriend), or because he wants a hook-up that night?
  4. He’s so much older. My goodness, he’s so much older. I recently freaked myself out thinking about a certain math teacher I had back in sophomore year – I think AYl is older than that teacher. And that messes with me in so many ways. I keep reading about Generation X vs. Millenials vs. Generation Z, because at the worst case scenario, there’s possibly a two generation gap between us?!
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