AYl sent me a picture of the lunar eclipse. I replied. He didn’t reply back.

He never really replies back.

Why can’t I stop thinking about him?

I miss cuddling, and cold tongues, and intertwining legs.


The Filter

It’s been a month, and friend groups have solidified, for the most part.

People who matter in my life?

AM. He wants to be best friends. I’m starting to think that’s a little too deliberate, but he’s one of my best friends, for sure.

WH. I think could be my natural best friend. It’s easy with him. It’s so natural. I miss him to death if I don’t see him for a day. Lovable nerd.

NA. My gay best friend who isn’t my gay best friend. If that makes sense.

As for the auxiliary members? LS. CW. All the people on my hall. CS and EB from the 1st floor. Other people in my classes.

JS and Being Confrontational

I sat there doing homework, the message sitting in my inbox. I let myself forget about it. I kept him waiting, like he kept me waiting. I realized how immature that was, and, in one sweep, opened it. Stared. Read it. Started typing. Stopped. Put it away. Opened it again. I debated acting chill.¬†No problem haha ūüôā. Or maybe, You’re an asshole.

I go in between.

I wish I knew that the plans were changed,¬†I wrote. I let him know I was disappointed.That he’d semi-blew it. I gave him a chance to apologize. I typed that and sent it in one sweep and put my phone down and away.

He took a bit to respond. But he did.

He’s sorry. He knows he blew it. He wants to hang out tonight, maybe?

I turn him down for tonight,¬†but maybe some other time, I write. He has to work for it. He blew it. But I’ll let him work for it.

Hey! He writes, a few hours later The lunar eclipse is tonight. I should make sure to check it out. I smile. I lean back in my chair, at my desk, in my dorm, and shake my head, laugh, look at the ceiling. Smiling.


It’s the mid-afternoon. He saw my message this morning, when I checked, neurotically.

I’m sitting at my desk, reading a very depressing, very screwed up book for homework. Maybe it’s affecting my mood a little bit. Oh, whatever, it’s totally affecting my mood. This was the reason I was a screwed up kid with no identity of my own – I took on whatever I had read last.


My phone’s been silent for a while, which is another story. WH, my unofficial best friend here, went to a sports game yesterday. Without telling me. Not like he was obligated to or anything, but I’d thought we were best friends.

Not even AM’s texting me. I’d kind of blown him off last night. Consciously not invited him to my plans. I’d planned to hang out out with JS. What a joke.


In the bathroom, wondering what I would do if JS tried to contact me. Assuming he wouldn’t. Hoping he would. I would tell him that he was a jerk. I would go ape shit crazy like the psycho girlfriend I’m not supposed to be yet. Yet. I would act blas√©. No expectations, no disappoint. That would be a lie.¬†It really sucks that you blew me off, asshole. You blew it. I’m going on a date with someone else. Don’t talk to me.

My phone dings. Facebook messenger, not a text. JS only uses Messenger. Either that, or it’s my chamber group with a stupid thumbs up emoji or something. I dive for my phone. Words drop down from the top of the screen.

“I was so exhausted…”

“Went out for just a bit…”

I stare at it for a long time, waiting for more to come. I don’t open his message. I lay on my bed. My phone is silent.

Getting led on by JS

I was never emotionally obsessed with JS, like I should be with crushes, so I guess this is a good thing.

JS and I had a date-ish-thing, and then we kept up cutesy texting for a solid week. Kept asking each other to make plans, and it was genuine, at least on my part, and it definitely seemed like it on his.

Tonight, we finally made plans that both of us were free for. “Text me when you¬†get off work!” I said. And then…nothing.

Whatever, I hung out with the people in my dorm; mini dorm party. Checked my phone every once in a while; forced myself to refrain from checking my phone too consistently.

Haha I guess your thing is going super late…I shoot him the message as he’s active. He goes suddenly inactive….what?

And still…nothing. Message unread.

I went out with the dormmates, hunting for a small party somewhere. We found one, I socialized, and on the way home, I walked out the door and ran smack dab into JS. Who was clearly not working. And was…with a girl?

I act unphased, and for the most part, I am. Because I don’t think I ever really was attracted to JS. I’d just enjoyed the feeling of being chased.

But it’s an interesting feeling of disappointment, the feeling of suddenly¬†not being chased. I’d thought I was special. I was wrong. And this shouldn’t affect me, and it doesn’t really affect me, especially because I have another date lined up today. But that begs the question: would I have been this unaffected had I not had another guy waiting in the wings for me?

I don’t think so.

And what does that say about me?

Protecting my heart from FF

Thank God I didn’t hook up with him.

We’d agreed to meet to walk to class together, and he completely stood me up. Thanks to a pre-defensive move by moi, I was not crushed or even inconvenienced.

Friendly, but guarded; I expected nothing and I got nothing. FF is not a guy that I should get attached to.

It’s just very annoying that I can’t stop thinking about him.