AYl sent me a picture of the lunar eclipse. I replied. He didn’t reply back. He never really replies back. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? I miss cuddling, and cold tongues, and intertwining legs.
It’s been a month, and friend groups have solidified, for the most part. People who matter in my life? AM. He wants to be best friends. I’m starting to think that’s a little too deliberate, but he’s one of my best friends, for sure. WH. I think could be my natural best friend. It’s easyContinue reading “The Filter”
I sat there doing homework, the message sitting in my inbox. I let myself forget about it. I kept him waiting, like he kept me waiting. I realized how immature that was, and, in one sweep, opened it. Stared. Read it. Started typing. Stopped. Put it away. Opened it again. I debated acting chill. No problemContinue reading “JS and Being Confrontational”
It’s the mid-afternoon. He saw my message this morning, when I checked, neurotically. I’m sitting at my desk, reading a very depressing, very screwed up book for homework. Maybe it’s affecting my mood a little bit. Oh, whatever, it’s totally affecting my mood. This was the reason I was a screwed up kid with noContinue reading “JS”
I was never emotionally obsessed with JS, like I should be with crushes, so I guess this is a good thing. JS and I had a date-ish-thing, and then we kept up cutesy texting for a solid week. Kept asking each other to make plans, and it was genuine, at least on my part, andContinue reading “Getting led on by JS”
College and dorm life. Swiping cereal in plastic cups. Lunch with whoever, anyone. Boys. Too many boys. Messenger and Snapchat and text and indecision. Midnight walks. Sitting under the highway. Simulated thunder and rain; simulacra. Closing social circles. Distant friendliness.
Thank God I didn’t hook up with him. We’d agreed to meet to walk to class together, and he completely stood me up. Thanks to a pre-defensive move by moi, I was not crushed or even inconvenienced. Friendly, but guarded; I expected nothing and I got nothing. FF is not a guy that I shouldContinue reading “Protecting my heart from FF”
Fascinating guy. Saw him for the first time in my music theory class – sitting in the corner; he was basically the only good-looking one, so I guess I noticed, though I didn’t think much of it more than a fleeting thought. We all walked out of class, casually chatting and learning names. People peeledContinue reading “FF: The Druggie, the Musician”
This place is amazing, I’ll give it that. It’s everything I wanted it to be – my peers are intellectual, kind, insightful, accomplished, driven. Everyone’s going somewhere big, doing something great. I’m just not living up to their expectations. I’m struggling in all of my classes – I have no time to breathe. I feelContinue reading “Sinking”
Goodness – never thought this would happen to me. ‘Happen to me.’ That’s so misleading. I totally brought this onto myself. This post is about boys. AYl is there, always there. I think we’re together. I think. But since he refuses to label the relationship, he’s not semantically my ‘boyfriend’, and my brain does notContinue reading “I’m that girl.”