I’m an idiot

WH just told me he likes me.

Literally straightened my love life out less than a week ago.

But more importantly, WH. I can’t believe what I put him through. I told him all my boy problems; I literally texted him a live stream of me trying to a let a guy down easily. I asked him for advice on how to let this guy down easily. I invited him to a concert, then invited JKm, and that’s how he found out that I had a thing with JKm. I left the group at the dance to be with JKm; I introduced JKm to WH; I made out with JKm within eyesight of WH.

I should have known. He was so quiet when I told him, so unlike nonchalant AM. He was quiet, and serious, and distant, and yet so personally let down.

I remember regretting that I’d told him; I remember feeling subtly pushed away by WH after. What did I tell AM? “I told WH my boy problems, and I think it changed his opinion of me for the worse.”

I remember feeling like he was distant. Not happy to see me anymore. I remember panicking – WH was quite possibly my favorite person here; my closest friend. I’d put so much energy into the relationship; what if he was tired of me?

And then, today: things were suddenly better. We energized each other again. What changedI? I asked. That fateful question. The answer was so different from what I expected.

Was it different from what I wanted?

I don’t know. WH. Feelings for WH? I think I did. I remember meeting him and thinking to myself that I would never date him. But his personality, and his laugh, and his kindness. And everything was so easy, so natural with him. WH. And eventually I told myself I would never date him for another reason – I don’t want to lose him.

I’m with JKm now. I would be an idiot to throw that away. I would be an idiot to further complicate my life. I would be selfish to get WH wrapped up in this.

He asked for space. I can give him space. But already, it’s affecting me. My friend. He’s my friend. I can give a friend space.

Published by unknownandanonymous

A journal written for me, by me. Bonus points for me if other people like reading it.

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