WH acknowledged, at the last minute before going separate ways for the night, and in one apologetic sentence, that he’s been pulling away. I acknowledged that I had noticed. And then I went inside, shutting off discussion. My thoughts on this:
- We got very close, very quickly at the beginning of last semester.
- Feelings got in the way and things got weird.
- When we pretended that feelings healed there was still a very tangible feeling of restraint that we both displayed around each other, and a avoidance of displaying vulnerability in order to show that we were both ok and moved on.
- That never ended.
- I held on tight, determined to make the friendship work.
- WH pulled away because of reasons previously discussed.
- Divergence of expectations = stress and feelings of platonic rejection on my part.
And although he apologized and acknowledged and shit, I just feel like we’re ultimately not going to be friends for the long term. And although it hurts, I think I’m at a point at which it’s really a waste of time to put more effort into a relationship that will, in all likelihood, end after this year. Time spent with him is time not spent forging new friendships that will actually last, friendships that have no history and dead ends. I also have realized that WH is not committed to a friendship with me – he is quick to ditch me, quick to leave me out, and slow to reach out. WH is on the hunt for new friends.
And I think I’ve learned enough from my senior year of high school and all the passive shit with WB. And I don’t need a repeat of that.