So FF inexplicably said hi to me, complimented my sweater, walked out of class with my friend and I making conversation, and went out of his way to get me to hang out in his room.
He’s a very easy person to be around, and he’s quite fun to talk to, and I suppose, if I’m honest with myself, I also see him as physically attractive. Finally, I find him fascinating as someone to analyze and understand. That’s probably why I keep giving him chances, and why I was receptive to his friendliness today, although I’d already told myself to not trust him after his proven flakiness last semester deemed him not worth the effort.
We hung out in his room, and again he amazed me with his musical insight, this time into the new Kanye album. He’s intelligent. He’s kind of free. He’s everything I wished I was – untethered to career pursuits, intellectual, effortless.
He seemed, as he did last semester, very willing to be friends. But with a certain wariness, I didn’t let myself be swayed by him as I did last semester. I didn’t skip class, despite his pleas. I didn’t skip the event I’d decided to attend, instead he simply followed me there. I’d told myself I would not make exceptions for him, and I’m proud to say I didn’t.
I brought up his flakiness, and he attributed it just to his spotty phone checking. And then I straight up confronted him, quite bluntly. More bluntly than I usually would, to the point of purposely straining the interaction, because (and I deliberately did this) I wanted to see if I could get him to either apologize or beg for friendship. I did this with reckless spirit, simply because I did not care whether the friendship happened or not – I am still annoyed and angry and after how things went last semester, I refuse to tolerate similar behavior from him again.
I made him explain himself. I made him run after me and hug me and beg. But as I type, I realize: he never apologized.
So: still no expectations. I will not go out of my way for FF. I will not make isolated time for him. I will invite him and expect nothing. And I will not be disappointed.