On Feeling Alone

There are so many ways to have friends.

There’s the friend group. This is something I have never had, because I never settled. One, I’ve never thrived in a group social setting. Two, I love in-depth conversations with interesting people one-on-one. And three, I always wanted to curate a specific group of vastly diverse people, and that has never worked out.

Then there’s the way that AM manages his friends – widely disparate friends with whom he is very closely to and individually friends with. This is what I am close to. But at the same time, I don’t have the confidence or the magnetic personality to be able to have a bustling social life this way and not feel alone.

And thus, after a wonderful spring break vacation with a small group of people whom I got to know very well and very much enjoy their company – I still feel alone. I feel dissatisfied.

I am not their number one friend. I am not their priority. I am no one’s priority. And that is a very lonely feeling to have.

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