Dream

God – a horrible dream that speaks to my friendship issues right now.

I’m visiting PD at her college. I say some offensive, like being surprised that she’s a legacy to the school (she’s not actually in real life, but she was in this dream), and somehow implying that that was why she’d gotten in. I do that. I make backhand comments that accidentally-on-purpose make people feel smaller.

She caught it, and immediately became sad, and I lost her as a friend.

And I saw SNK C, and I went to talk with him, and he was just so over me.

And I’m just riding the shuttle around her school aimlessly, with no one.

Now, context.

I’ve realized I don’t have a friend group, partly because I love hanging out with individuals so much, partly because I’m too picky with friends such that at the beginning of the year, when friend group were formed, I was too busy fluttering around finding fascinating people. And I did. But now I’m that auxiliary friend, necessary to no one except other floaters.

I don’t think I know how to make a friend group. It seems there’s a certain amount of persistence involved, and a certain amount of settling for what you can get. At least, that’s how I perceived it. But the more I observe, the more I realize it’s not that people are immediately fascinating, or that they immediately click. It’s more that friend groups build inside jokes together, and a certain chemistry together, simply by spending a lot of time together. I guess I never had the patience or the foresight to wait it out.

What that means is that I’m lonely. Because¬†having a friend group is a lot of time and effort and not a ton of flexibility, something I could probably adjust to but something I’ve never had to do before. Having individual friends is more flexible. But on a Friday night, when I’m sitting alone and everyone’s busy, it’s lonely. Very lonely.

I’ve been in this funk ever since second semester started – when I leave a social interaction, I can’t help but feel that I’ve thrown more time into a black pit out of which I’ll receive nothing in return. And it doesn’t matter that I have friends. It doesn’t matter that people like me, that I have a lot of likes on my profile picture. I’m not anyone’s number one, and I’m not anyone’s necessity.

It’s not for lack of trying, now. I realized this a while ago. I made an effort to worm my way into a friend group. Quite obviously, I faced push back.

I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m too independent to have a friend group, much as AM has, but I don’t think I have the self-confidence to be happy that way.

I’m so lonely. That’s it, really.

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