Running the event that we spent all year planning, somewhat bonding with the team, it was fun. But what bothered me is that none of my friends came. I have no friends to automatically hang out with.
Sure, I get invited to things. But I don’t want to be invited. I want to be immediately thought of. I want to be an assumption. But I am no one’s assumption.
When my nights differ, there is no one that molds their plans to mine. I see people when I align my plans with theirs.
And when I got back to the dorm, AM had texted me. I told him to come to my dorm. I needed him to – I needed him to go out of his way to see me. He didn’t. And no matter how eager he acted to get me to come, it didn’t matter, because at the core, he wasn’t going to change plans to see me.
And you know what else bothered me? He stopped by my room around 11pm, looking for me. As if I he assumed I would be in my room on 11pm on a Friday night, free and available to hang out with him on a moment’s notice.
But part of why that bothers me is that it could be true.
I’m not scared of solitude – I need solitude. But I’m scared of what happens when I leave my solitude – is there anyone there looking for me? I don’t know. I don’t think so.