Fam left today after a mediocre road trip around my college area. My mother and I had a huge fight after I realized that I regressed every time I talked to her – that’s for another post. The past week consisted of my brother sullenly listening to an audiobook while I dragged my mother all over New England to avoid talking and fighting with her. Come the last day, I was ready for it to be over.
Except, as we were saying parting words and the car was packed, I found myself, inexplicably, crying.
They drove off, oblivious to the fact that I was holding in a bucket of tears. They began to leak out as I walked the twenty-some odd steps to my dorm, avoiding the gaze of the man rifling through the dumpster.
I guess it’s a wash of realizing that my family’s really trying. They’re flawed, but they love me, really. Even if we are vastly different and truly hate each other’s views and actions, there’s still unconditional love there. I guess that’s what family is: people that teach you to love flaws because, after all, you’re stuck with them.
And past that, I’m realizing that I really am growing up. If all goes well, I will never – never – live permanently in my parent’s house again. Never. There will be internships and jobs in the summer and I will visit for the holidays and then I will graduate and move to some city and work and get promoted and buy a house of my own. And through all that, I can only hope that I don’t hurt my mother and my father in the process.
Did I feel sad? I didn’t know. I guess I have emotions. Like, real emotions that I can’t control that I’m not ashamed of. And it’s comforting to know I’m not such a horrible person that I would feel indifferent about my family. Go figure.
And suddenly, I’m not up to the post about the flaws of my mother and I’s relationship. So, another day.
being great and thus doing things to make oneself great, and finding something one truly cares about and becoming great as a result of pursuing that thing genuinely
the feeling of being in between two cars at night with their headlights on rushing towards each other and you’re just standing there in the middle in the cool air and the surrounding air is growing brighter and brighter
I’ve basically been see-sawing between being practical and reasonable (JKm is an amazing boyfriend, he cares about you, you’d be an idiot to break up with up), and being idealistic and pursuing what I ‘feel’ is right. Because no matter what I tell myself, JKm is vastly different from me in vital ways – he doesn’t challenge me, not because we share the same positions, but because he is opposed to challenging itself. Can I truly grow as an individual that way? Can we truly grow as a couple that way? Is staying together just staying in comfort? Would it be stupid to break up? Can I do that to him? Can I do that to myself? Am I making it worse by staying together? Could I push through it? Can we push through it? Where is our relationship going anyway? I’m studying abroad and he’s graduating a year earlier, and our current life projections differ greatly. I don’t know. I don’t know.
When I wait, I am incapable of thinking.
Can be short term – the black that is a spare hour before an appointment.
Can be long term – waiting for the end of something, or the start of the summer.
This post was really created because I feel as if I have nothing to write, which is itself due to the fact that I’m caught in a limbo doing nothing.
When I called him to rant, the first thing he said was
In a somewhat annoyed, frustrated voice.
I was already nervous about calling him. He was not what I needed.
I sometimes wonder if it’s normal to constantly ask myself if I should break up with JKm.
I just have this nagging suspicion that he’s not the one, and that I should get on and find the one. And yet.
Part of what’s holding me is that I’ve seen other guys, and I know other guys, and I know JKm is an exceptional wonderful boyfriend. He’s genuine, and kind, and he’s serious about us. In staying with him, I am protected from the horrible hell of the dating world. I already think it was a fluke that he wanted to be with me – will I ever find anyone to match him? Will anyone as good as him ever like me again?
And the other part of what’s holding me is, of course, that I think I love him. And I care. And I can’t crush him like that.
Lately, he’s not been putting me first. And he shouldn’t always. And I can act cool with that. But I suppose I’m so used to him dropping everything for me, it’s a change now.