On Connecting Through Weakness

We stayed up talking until 4am, and it wasn’t about butterflies.

Highlight? We each shared our fatal flaw. And unlike when I try to make myself seem perfect, I truly shared my flaw, partly because I only fully understood flaw once I attempted to flesh it out to another human being.

I am selfish and insecure to the point that my first instinct is to emotionally damage and manipulate other people. And so I overcompensate by acting extremely kind, and valuing kindness over all other traits. And yet. I am saddened that this is how I am, deep down. I worry that although I am kind, it is always for my own benefit – the benefit of having this person like me, or be my friend.

One more thing. Although I still feel that initial urge with JKm, my gut counters that with an intense need to make him happy, for him to never hurt because of me, and not for my own good, but for his good. It’s a level of care that I have for very few people. I don’t think I can even say it for AM, or WB. Bizarrely, I think I feel that for JJ here, and JH and AD back home. And although I’m thankful that I do feel it, it scares me that it doesn’t apply to people that I think it should. What type of person does it make me? Who am I?

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