On Having No Internal Drive

I’ve been in a funk.

I feel like I’ve been waiting, and I feel constantly discontent. And I think I know why.

School ended, activities, ended, projects ended, piano ended, hanging out with friends ended. For those two weeks of emptiness, I tried to fill time with being cultured, watching movies, reading the news. And for those two weeks I was filled with the most horrid pit in my stomach of dissatisfaction with my life.

It worries me. Could it be, perhaps, that this dissatisfaction was my resting state? Were all my extracurriculars and busy schedules simply a desperate attempt on my part to never be idle, and therefore to never allow myself to feel this dissatisfaction that was my true self? Do I need external activities to keep me going? Could it be that I am not intrinsically motivated?

I have lost meaning. I have no aim. I have no cause. This is the hole that God had filled, and this is the hole that God has left.

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