My Latest Existential Crisis

Spent about 2 hours in the alumni center reading a book – I can honestly say it’s been a very long time since I’ve been completely into a book to the point in which I don’t have to think about reading, but rather I’m just experiencing what’s on the page.

Quick reflection: I really resonated with the concept that my university has taught me to never be intimidated by pretension. I was such a scared freshman. I was scared of being found out for being a total idiot. And while I’m not the most intellectual, or the most creative, or any of that here, I’m not a total idiot all of the time.

Another reflection on direction and living life (in the aftermath of my existential crisis yesterday, in which I spontaneously asked my best friend to go on a road trip with me and dedicated a portion of the end of my summer to absolute silence): “Doing the unrealistic is easier than doing the realistic.” – Timothy Ferris. I need to focus less on goals here and more on exploring, and yet – they are not mutually exclusive. Reading that book has me questioning – what am I doing, double concentrating? Out of some paradoxical need to sound interesting when I talk to people about my degree? When in reality, doing so severely limits the breadth of classes I can take? Why, past me, did you bother.

I’ve also decided to take psychedelics as soon as I can get my hands on them. It can only be a positive experience, in the grand scheme of things.


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