I suppose I’m really seriously beginning to question why I’m still in this relationship. Alone on that kayak in the middle of the lake, I came to the conclusion that I must break up with JKm – I just don’t know when or how. I know in my heart that it should be soon. It should be now. But I am terrified.
I write this as JKm sits across from me, reading. I have come to stay with him for three days. Today was our first. Last night was a whirl of our fulfilling our sexual needs after weeks apart. Today…well.
Small snubs. He doesn’t like my music. He ignores me. He gets wrapped up into sports and doesn’t hear me. He checks Facebook while I talk to him. When I turn inward he grows angry, antagonizing. What’s wrong? he asks, but it is not caring. It is blaming. It is frustrated. He hasn’t laughed in too long. He sighs all day. Nothing is fun that I attempt to make fun. The only thing that is fun is making out or having sex or foreplay. He is tired. He doesn’t want to swim. He doesn’t want to make a dinner. My attempt at a romantic homemade dinner devolves into him cooking and implicitly having me wash dishes while we don’t talk.
I realize we have nothing to talk about anyway.
We fight again – issues that I believe are not worth fighting over because they are given; issues that he believes are not worth fighting over because I should obviously compromise. He pushes, blaming me until I begin to cry, and he backtracks. He is willing to let this one slide. This is the first relationship in which he cares. He says this to mollify me. I cry harder. I will break up with him. There is nothing to ‘let slide’. This is the inherent problem in the relationship itself. He “likes me too much to let this get in the way”. I package away the small fact that he used like and not love and use it to shoot a string attaching my heart to his. For the first time, I push back with tenacity and anger and a sharpness that cuts the bandaid.
I FEEL THAT I AM CHANGING AND YOU ARE RESISTANT. I FEEL THAT I WILL CHANGE MORE AND YOU WILL RESIST EVERY STEP, AS YOU HAVE RESISTED EVERY STEP THUS FAR.
I FEEL THAT WE HAVE DIFFERENT GOALS.
“Does it matter?”
The conversation is cut abruptly. Does it matter? Does it not matter? How permanent is this to him?