9/1

On the —- trip – feel somewhat isolated from the group even though the group banter is easy for once. I’ve noticed an isolation of K which I’ve noticed I somewhat participate in – she comes off as whiny and selfish although that may just be her downcast demeanor. It makes me sad that someone’s demeanor can make such a difference in a group dynamic and the general perception of that individual – I wonder what mine is and a part of me thinks it is not good. MM interests me because she was quiet and reserved and has still managed to become the darling of the group – I am naturally quiet and reserved and it has never quite worked that way for me. CL also interests me as she seems to be the all-american perfect girl. I wonder how it is to live a life in which you naturally come off as extremely likable.

Nevertheless, this is the first group dynamic in which I feel I can contribute and not be the butt of the joke.

I think constantly about my relationship with JKm – whether it should continue. I remember the silent car ride to the bus pickup spot, and trying to force myself to remember

crickets fly apparently

how it felt – how miserable I was and how little I felt we had in common. How every conversation I tried to start was shut down, whether that was intentionally or simply because the conversations I wanted to have were not the ones he was interested in.

But apart from him, the second I think about the breaking up and what it would entail, the memories that rush to my head are the good ones – the feelings of cuddling, kissing under the orange glow of fall leaves, lying on my picnic blanket under the stars. And I struggle to commit myself to a decision that will render those memories forever in the past. I don’t feel desirable, and each group I am a member of, including this one, seems only to confirm that feeling. Should I settle for my relationship with Josh? Or am I settling at all? Does it get any better? My desire to break up oscillates in tandem with my self-confidence. I am not in a good place right now, and although that may be because of my relationship, I worry that the instability from ending it would only push me deeper down.

And yet I am in a beautiful place.

Three young men came through our site at G—– R— last night – they sang absentmindedly, in loose camaraderie, all morning. I never got to speak with them like I ached to. I wish JKm was like them. But I don’t seem to attract that kind of person, though they do exist.

The mountains extend into the distance, growing bluer as they pull out. The trees are uniform spikes. It is silent, save for the crackling of my synthetic rain gear and a cricket that clicks sporadically. The clouds come and pass over quickly, plunging the mountain top into gusty winds or warming sunshine at nature’s whim. It is beautiful, and yet I do not find it to be beautiful. It does not move me, and I can not remember if it ever moved me. I can only hope that this is because I know I am not in a good place.

I am distracted by the toxicity. I know I do not want to continue like this. But I’m scared of what would happen otherwise.

Gather up your fucking courage, —-

I am so, so sad

Why does it not matter that our goals are not the same? What is this relationship to you? And if it is nothing, why am I subjecting myself to this for literally no reason? It’s not for you, and it would be in vain for me.

Why can’t I sit and enjoy this view with you? Why do I cry inside and feel numb during sex? Why do I feel nothing when we kiss? Why do I recoil when we cuddle and pretend I was just too tired the next morning? Why do I let you believe that? Why do you not see that I’m lying?

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