Just talked to SF on the bus ride for two hours, and of course it got deep – as I always tend to guide conversations towards. Something about deep serious questions seem to bring out people’s skeletons in the closet.
I like SF even more and more deeply than I’d thought. Something that struck me was that he spoke of acting a persona in a group dynamic (the funny guy), which put him in a box from the start. I’ve realized that my problem is not really anything with me, but more that I refuse or am unable to project any one persona for a group to latch onto. There is no room for complexity of an individual in a group dynamic. An individual must fit neatly into a defining quality that meshes into a group. And it is either because I do not have a defining quality or that I do not know how to project a defining quality that I do not fit neatly into groups.
Side note that AC said that resonated with me – she felt that since she had had her old friends for so long, she had forgotten how to make new friends. I think I know how to start acquaintances when no groups have formed, but I think I don’t know how to do the middle stages of a budding friendship.
SFis a queer whit cis male, and had many problems last semester with his friend group. He also did T—. Resonated with his words that T— established a pecking order within the space that went race, queerness, gender, low income, and mental instability, and that even as a queer low income, mentally unstable student, T— was not his space because his whiteness and his cisness superceded all else and rendered his struggles invalid. I think that beautifully put into words as I had never been able to do the flaring flaws in both T— and in the university community. And I think it was even more interesting to me because he spent all year in a friend group of T— people, and he was himself a peripheral member of the community – other discussions had always been with my asian friends, who were always outsiders to that system.
SF also had had it with cliques and squads and crews and friend groups. That was huge – it was nice to know that I am not alone in that, and that that type of person does exist.
He also had a similar relationship situation – “you can make someone do the dishes, but you cannot make someone want to do the dishes”. He’s dating this wonderful person who chose SF over his friend group – something I don’t even think JKm would do for me – but who has different social interests. And while this person will stay in when SF requests, there is always that underlying desire to go out.
Adding on now, in my room about to publish
The talk was directed around SF, but it was incredibly therapeutic for me. Here was one of the main players in a group, the funny guy, the person I had never been able to feel comfortable around in all other similar group dynamics – and this person opened up to me in a way that was meaningful to me and that resonated with me. I want this precarious friendship to last. I don’t know if it will, but I can try for sure. There’s just something about the way he articulated things that was so profound and intelligent and analytical that I don’t want to lose. And he was so truly kind, at the core. Today at the final dinner, I was serious and quiet, left out and isolated. He pulled me into the convo so naturally, so easily. He comes off as warm. I come off as aloof.
Anyway, I’m in a better place from last post. Even if it’s on the edge, even if it’s temporary.