12:31am at the garden on the floor

I did it and I almost can’t believe I did it and it happened and it’s happening and when I wake up tomorrow it will still have happened

He begged me to give it a second chance and I had to say no four fucking times four fucking times

And I was his light and his little candle and I burned bright and did my thing and he loved that about me and he was sorry he ever took me for granted and if he ever got so comfortable he didn’t keep trying and he let small things blow up in his mind and let that affect how he acted around me and he was sorry so sorry and if I gave him a second shot he would try so much harder and it would be so great again and there was more life in this relationship and more room to grow and he was sorry so sorry and then he began to cry

And I’d never meant to hurt him and I don’t want to hurt him now and it wasn’t his fault or my fault we were just different just too different and no amount of trying or second chances would change that immutable fact that fucking truth the fucking truth and he was not to blame himself because that would hurt so much it would hurt me that I hurt him that I made him feel culpable there was nothing to do or that he could have done

but we were different at least from his last two times we were different because there was no rage

You’re such a good person he tells me you have such a good heart and I’m only happy because we spent our last year together and there’s no one I would have rather spent it with and I’m glad we did and I’m glad we grew together for the time we had
and I’m stroking his face and wiping away his tears and I run my fingers over his nose and his eyebrows and smooth his forehead and push back his hair until I’m crying too much to see his face and I’m curled in on myself and clutching my ankles and burying my face in my knees and rocking, rocking, rocking and it is not his job anymore to comfort me and so I cry to the black starless sky rocking, rocking
are you sure he asks

I think so

No, because I have to be strong

No, because I believe in growth and change

No, because we do not fit

No, because we have a bright future without each other

No, because I care too much for you to let us continue, to let you continue

No

I am sure

but

thank you

for everything

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