JS the player

I suppose I’m so confused about my feelings and his motivations that I can’t even quite articulate it, although I have tried.

I am – ambivalent? But less ambivalent that I pretend to be. And yet, purposefully ambivalent, perhaps as a protective mechanism so that I don’t care more than he does.

And how much does he care? How ambivalent should I let myself be?

He is affectionate – suspiciously affectionate, given that he barely knows me. I think that’s what throws me off – this sudden affection, founded in nothing that I can see. We don’t know each other very well. I am not an outwardly interesting or stellar person. Where is this coming from?

Sex, attempted the second date, success two weeks later. I don’t care, I don’t think. Sex is fun. I am ambivalent, deliberately. Does he care? Should I act as though he cares?


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