putting two and two together

and this should absolutely be the last post I make obsessing over this, although it will probably not be.

let’s see: I’ve been ignoring the signs because I wanted him to like my personality, and I wanted to believe that someone like him could be interested in someone like me.

but really, it’s honestly pretty clear that he’s not interested in me as a person.

he doesn’t ask me about myself because he’s curious about me; he asks because it’s polite and he needed to build somewhat of a rapport so I would be down to hook up.

which is why he doesn’t share, really, his life with me. not that he’s unwilling, because he’s a decent guy and not shady, but he’s just not excited to, because it doesn’t matter to him. that’s why I get answers when I ask questions, but not the kind of answer that leads to closeness, vulnerability, or even a further deepening of a rapport. he’s not searching for what we have in common so that we can go to events together, or share music, or do activities together.

and when I pushed my personality onto him, back when I decided to fuck it all and be vulnerable and let him reject me so that at least I would know for sure, I got exactly what I’d thought I would. I told him about music I was listening to, films I wanted to see and why, personal projects I was excited to get started on and how I got to them. he never asked questions. he answered with affirmatives and friendly exclamation points that nevertheless ended the conversation.

he doesn’t text me for conversation. he doesn’t think about me, probably. I come into his life when we hook up.

for a while I told myself: perhaps this is a defense mechanism. perhaps this is the dance that everyone does.

but honestly, who am I kidding? JS is mature, way too mature for that. I’ve seen him around friends, acquaintances. He’s affectionate, loving, open, warm — he is never warm to me.

now, the question is: am I fine with this?

I think so. I think I’ve kept a cautious enough distance from the start that this revelation was not shattering or really anything, just a slight sting to my self-esteem.

another question: what am I going to do?

I think I’m going to talk to him. I need to figure out whether we’re even exclusive, and what the hell is going to happen over winter break. I also need to confirm my thoughts: I’m going to ask, bluntly, what he’s looking for, and communicate that I’m not sure how I feel. I think I’ll only really know after he tells me, and I have time to reflect on my emotions then. I’m going to tell him that. I’m going to tell him that I’m not sure how I feel, regardless of his answer, and then I’m going to tell him I need a bit to think about whatever he says. I think I’m also going to tell him what I think. I’m going to tell him how he’s not interested in me, because it’s a painful fact. And his response should tell me why, and if it doesn’t, I’m going to bluntly ask that, too. Let’s make a list.

  • What are we?
  • What did you go into this looking for? What are you looking for now? Am I that person?
  • You are not interested in my life, or my thoughts, or me as a person at all, really. Is that because you’re an immature fuck (not likely), or because we’re just sex to each other?

Published by unknownandanonymous

A journal written for me, by me. Bonus points for me if other people like reading it.

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