journal #11, 1/2/17

1/2/17, 9:26pm, lying in the dark in my sleeping bag on k–‘s floor in o—–

a few thoughts that have been in my head today, and wonderfully solidified by a long conversation with ken, but first: WB. what do I do with this kid? I have a crush on him, and not just superficially — I deeply respect him as a person, almost more than anyone else, and that’s especially significant because he doesn’t even have all the qualities I respect at school: a drive for huge things, a knowledge of culture. But I respect his character and his assuredness and his ability to be different. and it doesn’t even matter, really; I am attracted to him, still, after I have decided that I want him in my life for the long term and that since we are not compatible in key ways, friendship is the most viable option. he has not known my feelings, and he might never.

but I just felt so safe and so good in his arms last night.

moving on:

with all the gorgeous vistas, I’ve been thinking a lot of complacency and mindless happiness. I asked WB and JH today, on the way up a hike that overlooked the ocean:

if you saw this view every single day, would your worldview be different?

WB said no.

I say yes. 

it would make me complacent. it would make me value my happiness more than more worthwhile goals: changing the world, to be cliche. I thought about it as I biked in a meditative state past farmland. I thought about it as we ate canned beans on the side of a lifeguard tower. I thought about it as WB and I stood in the sand, looking out at a beautiful post-sunset sky, and as I chased the sea foam paths of receding waves a few minutes later. this trip has too much beauty. I forget the bad things. all I want is to continue to do this. it’s a willful ignorance; it’s a drug.

and then we met k– – minimalist k–, k– of the universal truths, k– of the many interests, gregarious k–, generous k–, k– of the present, k– who reads, k– who thinks about religion and philosophy, k– who hikes 3 times a week and body surfs daily, k– who doesn’t read the news, k– who believes in one screw each day, k– who believes that doing good was doing no harm…

and while there is nothing wrong with his philosophy, it is one that scares me because I can see myself falling into it years later, after becoming jaded and giving up on the large and focusing on the small.

there is too much beauty on this trip — it cannot last, and what I’m coming to realize it also shouldn’t.

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