HJ and events

HJ and I were sitting on the floor of his dorm the other night, talking pointlessly to fill the two hours we had, when the topic of dating came up. He’d realized, he told me, that a lot of his dating had been interview-like for far too long, and after he’d noticed that, they’d always broken it off.

“What do you mean by interview-like?” I asked.

He didn’t know, he said. More like all the dates were just getting food of some sort and talking the entire time about their, he didn’t know, family background and whatnot, and it just always felt so formal. And it never moved on to the next step.

“But what’s the next step?”

Doing things together, he said. Going to events and experiencing things together, instead of experiencing things separately and then talking about it in conversation.

I sat there for a bit, thinking. I’d always placed conversation — conversation in a vacuum: can you talk with this person if you had nothing but the person itself? — as the highest measure of compatibility. I judged my fit of friendships by how well this flowed. And yet: I could see how he was right. Friendships could be built off of doing things together. It rang similar to something WB had said a long time ago, how he valued time in which he did things with friends in silence, in parallel, though perhaps even separately. I didn’t understand at the time. But I do now.

On Friday night, HJ and I, stranded, decided to play pool. Our conversation was nil, but banter was high. I enjoyed myself. I let myself enjoy this conversation that met none of my intellectual standards, that was composed of nothings and dumb jokes and that made laugh nevertheless. I’m learning, I think.


an artless snapshot of my friendships

This weekend, I had so many invitations I didn’t know what to do with them.

I’ve magically become friends with MC, and after meeting her friends for a weekend, I remember now what it’s like to have a group of people genuinely want to get to know you, who value you. I realize that perhaps although I don’t know for sure if they are my people — it’s only been one night — I enjoy time with them so much more than I do with my other friend group, or with AM’s friends, who somehow always leave me feeling inferior. With MC’s friends, I feel loved, accepted; I’m funny, smart, and fun.

Somehow, I’ve also become close with BI, who is quite close to an ideal person. I was surprised and pleased that he so clearly wanted to be friends.

It’s been a good semester of branching out, far more than I did last semester. And unlike freshman year, I think I’ve branched out into the correct crowd.

a quick memory, because I know I’ll enjoy this in the future

we’re standing  on the first floor of my dorm; I’m walking him to the door. I’ve stopped on the second to last step of the stairs; we kiss sweetly, the same height thanks to the steps. there’s a slight lull as he’s about to leave and my lips part a little as my eyes smile; thoughtfully small

I’ll — see you soon?

tilting my head a little to the left, and he says

I’ll text you.

and my lips curve slightly upwards as I turn and run up the stairs, two at a time, the slaps of my bare feet echoing


nothing artistic or reflective this time, which, I will say, means this is something right. the best relationships are the ones that you don’t need to constantly reflect on and think through (hence, the general down mood of all the posts on here).

but! a somewhat significant event, and so, I compel myself to write this:

HJ! where to begin! a wonderful fellow. a sweet fellow, if not a ravishingly fuckable one, he makes up bountifully with earnest and ease.

not to mechanize the process, but shall we check off the boxes? a bookworm! a shockingly matching spotify discover playlist (no small feat for an experimental electronic – bluegrass – funk – afrobeat – folk-lovin’ individual like myself)! a love for the outdoors! a frisbee fellow! a meditator! a movie buff! a twee bit of adorable nervousness!


I’ve done this far too many times now; shall we see this familiar format:

the quintessential romantically-interested texts in which both parties talk about nothing and that is quite alright;

the subtle but not so subtle asking of plans for the night and leaving said plans open for a potential meet up;

casual oh so casual brushing of the hand on an arm to break that wee little bubble of personal space segueing into a casual oh so casual hand placed on a leg or a back or a hand and a deliberate ignoring of that elephant;

charming conversation floating like a balloon that I keep bopping up and up again until I tire of the exercise and allow it to happen;

it being the lull, the break, the opening, so to speak, the eyes dropped, nonchalantly peaceful quiet that the music and conversation has casually oh so casually mellowed down to in which the more deliberate of the two, the individual who was not playing around, seizes the quiet that was withheld and casually oh so casually says something along the lines of:

I think you’re cool and pretty, and —

and the individual who is playing around bops the balloon up just for kicks with a:

I think you’re cool and pretty too!

but the individual who is not playing around forges on ahead, strong and determined, and throws out this zinger:

Can I kiss you?

and the individual who is always playing around has enough socialization such that they realize that bopping the balloon this time might result in a deflated balloon, and so the individual decides, finally, to play along.

one more thing:

the individual knows it’s going well when the other individual

jumps on opportunities to make plans

intertwines fingers, easily, naturally, casually actually casually

references future events for when the weather is warm enough to walk around outside in the dead of winter

I’ll throw this fucking indifference at your face

when something happens like

DG coming over to AM and I in the library, addressing only AM, and telling him that he should “come with with JB and I”

there are so many thing wrong with that

  1. you just ignored a person that you are acquainted with well enough that it’s rude
  2. you just asked that person’s current companion to leave
  3. you implied, or that the companion should leave the person to work alone

and while I’m sitting here on a bad day perhaps feeling inferior and unpopular, here’s to me. here’s to a reminder that these situations are their problem of failing to understand inclusiveness or lacking empathy to be considerate of others, and 10000% not on me.