how can I put the feeling of the tapestry art from the met into an aesthetic of a short film?


He’s a back sleeper and you’re a side sleeper so he sleeps on his back and you sleep on your side with your hands snug against his shoulder and your right leg over his two the way is natural and the way he says he likes. You semi-wake in the middle of the night facing the other way, and he’s nestled down into the blankets like a hibernating rabbit and he kisses your middle back softly, softly. He holds your waist and nuzzles his nose against you. In your semi-awakeness you feel something pleasant and fluttery and doze off soon after.

You drive to the beach humming something nonsensical. On the way in, he describes the profile picture change he is planning with the photo you took and the caption that slyly references you, you in public in front of his friends and family, even the ones that don’t like you all that much, and even so it’s kind of an inside joke between you two and it’s perfect in all the ways.

You lay out a towel on the beach and settle down with your respective books, sitting back to back, leaning against each other, perspiring slightly under the sun, letting the music fade to nothing. After a while you throw off the sunglasses and wade in the water, then dive into the water and he is excited to swim and be cold. You hop on his back and yell Onwards! as he wades forward slowly. You play some dunking game and let him assist in dunking himself. You peck him on the shoulder. You latch on to him from behind and he spins wildly, spinning you around and around as you laugh, laugh. You float in the shallow water and pretend that you can’t touch the ground at any second.

He bought condoms just like he said he wanted to and you have rushed, hilarious sex in ten minutes flat using some strange condom marketed as INTENSE. He approaches you as you’re getting ready to leave and says his feelings were hurt by something you said. You apologize. You both end up making genuine jokes about it.

06/23/17, 1:10pm

Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga — these women have *won*. They are so crazy, so odd, that no one can sexualize them but themselves. “What are you wearing?” is always the female celebrity trap, and so Lady Gaga wears meat dresses and bubble dresses and makes the whole thing so insanely performative that there is no hope of making thing pseudonatural.

And drag: drag is so beautiful. It gender performance at its most pure form. What is everyone else ever doing, pretending we’re normal like it’s natural?

miley – more wielding than automatically fulfilling the wholesome girl persona, and yet she caricaturizes it. it’s ridiculous, and she seems to be playing a joke on the world

I think now about how Miley Chrus was the default character to make fun of for teachers in high school — and now, thinking back on it, it is so harmful. It perpetrates a form of misogyny. And yet at the time, it was so normalized, so obvious. And so I worry now about thinking about trying to condemn certain things; I don’t ever want to perpetuate something that may limit someone’s development. And so perhaps HB’s approach is correct: positive only, and mute on that which the individual may dislike.

Lady Gaga brought attention to performativity; Miley builds on that by performing those very ridiculous standards she and all women are subjected to: hyper-sexuality, then hyper-pure-ness. But of course, she must perform a caricature in her self-awareness.

This over performativity seems to me to be the only pure way of living, and yet — this seems a hopeless, disheartening path to trod.

Gaga empowers her fans to be what they want, because she understands that none of it truly exists anyway. But she empowers them on the level of personal happiness and not on that of self-awareness.

06/23/17, 12:34pm

 ⁃ on the bus ride to providence, she became intrigued and obsessed by lady gaga. she listened to the podcast twice: once fast, once slow and wallowing. she had an existential crisis. she asked a lot of questions. she thought about an old friend.

06/23/17, 12:29pm


I am thinking about her, and I am thinking about that one night we talked all night and she showed me all her books and that she was reading Lolita, and she seemed so very self-aware of her tragic, deranged wild-girl persona and yet still performed it, and though I now view her largely through AD’s eyes through updates, I think if I separate myself from that enough I wonder if she is still performing that persona with a keen level of self-awareness, and if she is in control of this persona she has created, and if she regrets it now, this sorority girl sexualized sadness she has curated.