I have realized that I pull away from people, and yet I’m not sure how I got there. Most recently, I have a feeling that is has to do with a normalization of how AM and MH treat me. AM, with his tendency to befriend all my friends and then insist on private time spent with them, while simultaneously withholding his friends from specifically me, has left me feeling alienated and lonely in comparison. He has acknowledged parts of this to a certain extent, but not wholly — I’ve only just acknowledged this as I write it. And so I withhold my life from him to prevent it from being hijacked.
And MH, who is frustratingly silent and silently judgmental, who withholds life news and friends and successes until I wonder why exactly that is and I think back to EMC, who drew from me because of competition.
But I don’t feel that competition with my other friends, and I think now that perhaps that only arises in me when I do not know, when I feel something is being hidden.
When people pull away, I pull away as well, but it hurts the entire time.