I want to take up more space in his life and I worry or convince myself that he doesn’t want me to, and so I retaliate by taking up even less space than he wants. And I save myself a little from the risk of ever feeling unwanted.
I want to see him so badly and yet I deny myself that at his expense. And so I avoid him: avoid his messages, avoid his reaches for connection, avoid his plans. Because if they aren’t exactly enough exactly when I need them, I decide they are all facades, all the time. And because theyContinue reading “what is this feeling”
I found this old post from last semester and think it’s quite interesting my tweaked relations to these people. An edited list people I have thus far successfully collected and the remarkable quality I probably was drawn towards ES – a whole host of bizarre mannerisms, combined with her apparent ADHD-style genius –> kind, just so kind,Continue reading
I Love Him
when I am not with you I revise in my mind how I will tell you I am leaving: when I see you with your friends and when I am there with you and your friends I know I am in the wrong place; I do not fit; I can never fit without squashing whoContinue reading “11/11/17, 10:24am”
The first time, we were coming down. Surreal, soft: I am yellow and she is brown and you are gleaming, you are all gleaming. I am a pendulum: disbelief/wonder/disbelief. Who could you possibly think I am? Fairy lights and jaunty conversation about your day your day your day and this is how I find outContinue reading “11/11/17, 1:54am”
… I found the second story that I’d ever written, 20 years ago in Wellington. It was written in the third person, the person most girls use when they want to talk about themselves but don’t think anyone will listen. Chris Kraus, I Love Dick
I find that dialogue around the racialized experience in the US is odd in that it completely excludes the relationship with the home country. While I am not Chinese, my parents are. My extended family is. They all exerted pressures and mapped influences onto me during my most impressionable periods of development, and the exclusionContinue reading “post a marxist essay on chinese women”