what is this feeling

I want to see him so badly and yet I deny myself that at his expense. And so I avoid him: avoid his messages, avoid his reaches for connection, avoid his plans. Because if they aren’t exactly enough exactly when I need them, I decide they are all facades, all the time. And because they are not real, I don’t want any of it, ever. At least, while I am here, here. You know where here is.

Is it because here tells me that it wasn’t likely to be real anyway? Is it that even if it’s real, it won’t be for much longer, anyway? Is it that it’s just not quite enough? Is it that I am unable to take up more space in his life and I’ve become worried or perhaps I was always worried that I was taking up too much space in his life? Because I would rather take up too little space than too much. Because I don’t think I deserve that much space. No, because I don’t know how to take that much space for anyone. Or, I don’t think he wants me to take up that much space. Or, I suspect he only likes me because I take up so little space.

At least I told him something, I told him, at least I did that. But really, I know, I know he deserves better than this. Can I be that? Can I be better than myself right now? What’s better? Is it the full, painful, nasty truth? Is it someone else? Is it suppression? Is it just getting the fuck over this idiotic problem?

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