11/09/17, 8:23pm, dorm

you decide to prioritize him in your life as much as you perceive he prioritizes you in his.

so, you decide to cut him out.

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what is this feeling

I want to see him so badly and yet I deny myself that at his expense. And so I avoid him: avoid his messages, avoid his reaches for connection, avoid his plans. Because if they aren’t exactly enough exactly when I need them, I decide they are all facades, all the time. And because they are not real, I don’t want any of it, ever. At least, while I am here, here. You know where here is.

Is it because here tells me that it wasn’t likely to be real anyway? Is it that even if it’s real, it won’t be for much longer, anyway? Is it that it’s just not quite enough? Is it that I am unable to take up more space in his life and I’ve become worried or perhaps I was always worried that I was taking up too much space in his life? Because I would rather take up too little space than too much. Because I don’t think I deserve that much space. No, because I don’t know how to take that much space for anyone. Or, I don’t think he wants me to take up that much space. Or, I suspect he only likes me because I take up so little space.

At least I told him something, I told him, at least I did that. But really, I know, I know he deserves better than this. Can I be that? Can I be better than myself right now? What’s better? Is it the full, painful, nasty truth? Is it someone else? Is it suppression? Is it just getting the fuck over this idiotic problem?

I found this old post from last semester and think it’s quite interesting my tweaked relations to these people.

An edited list

people I have thus far successfully collected and the remarkable quality I probably was drawn towards

ES – a whole host of bizarre mannerisms, combined with her apparent ADHD-style genius –> kind, just so kind, with a family I slightly dislike but it clearly has made her empathetic

AM – a deliberate drive for intellectual curiosity –> no longer friends; unintentionally elitist in a condescending way

YM – a similar sense of self-deprecating humor and an empathy like no other –> bad at comforting people but otherwise my soul mate; we are slightly fractured but trying

MH – a keen, nuanced thoughtfulness and certain instantly respected air –> keen and thoughtful but also emotionally damaged (much like me!); we are trying

MS – a sharp wittiness and a promising streak of artistic genius –> condescending and elitist and bad for me because I don’t have time for people to whom I don’t matter and so we are not even friendly

people I’ve wanted to collect

HJ – an ease, a warmth, and an intellectual streak –> my parrrttttnneeeerrr

MSh – a fascinating, hyper-intellectual gregariousness, although petty and immature at times –> sure

IC – a talent for poetry and performance and theatre and a somewhat repelling force against the petty girls on my freshman year dorm floor –> after years of her avoiding my eye contact, I’ve given up

MC – an unexplained solitary ease, an admirable tendency towards fascinatingly individualistic activities –> sure, but also the kindest person ever + empathetic

JH – similar to MC, but music oriented –> sure

EP – similar to MC and JH, but open and gregarious and quirky –> sure

ZL – JKm’s friend, unfortunately, but just so kind and dorky –> sure

MD – JKm’s friend, again, but very MC-like –> even more so!

JB – AM’s friend, another individualistic ease and outward drive for adventure and impact –> kind of a privileged white asshole who is wildly entertaining and charismatic but frankly that doesn’t cut it anymore for me

ZH – random guy I met that was AM’s friend; sharply witty in that jewish way –> sure, hella privileged though

AV – mysterious on social media and adorably awkward in person; musically talented –> awkward, so awkward it’s amazing and hilarious

JS – do I need to describe him? well-traveled, well-read, and insanely developed as a human being –> flakey and opaque in a way that points more to the fact that he is deceitful when his dick is involved that any sort of personality quirk

AjM – individual, and yet seems like the kindest person alive –> eek, who is this?

EL – went on spring break trip with him; can be summed up through this exchange with AM: me – “I like him a lot, but I feel like I don’t know him”; AM – “he probably feels the same exact way” –> love love love

FF – a drugged-up ease, an intellectualism, a vague sense of floating through life, and a crazy music talent –> really quite a dick but somehow my hate is mixed with admiration for the aforementioned qualities

VC – a mellow, unassuming, and yet so apparent kindness –> has disappeared completely (seriously, where is he?) but I still love this guy

adding on:

?? – my CS ta who stayed with me for an hour after hours had ended; HOW FUCKING KIND DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO DO THAT; saw him dancing at a party with abandon so nerdily with this girl and he was so happy and I’m in love

EJ – art and china when art and china are half my being

CL – best friend of EJ; art and art and new york when that’s the other half of my being