being alone in ny

I almost started this journal off with the phrase, “for the first time in a long time…” — but I realize that’s not quite right. This has been a somewhat gradual process, an accumulation of being with HJ and living in China with not much to do and now being in New York, the cityContinue reading “being alone in ny”

a few profiles for the trip

k– 1: exceedingly like SS in his external, no nonsense, hyper self-assurance and rugged, blunt approach and focus on people. I really can’t describe it. k– 2: generous, gregarious, open, playful, relaxed, content; his lifestyle and self-assuredness in that lifestyle struck me; he was very much a man living outside the expectations of being unhappyContinue reading “a few profiles for the trip”

journal #14, 1/4/17

1/4/17, 2:42pm, sitting in the chair by the screen door in m—-‘s house in s— b—-; WB and JH are in the other room I am honestly so done with JH, I’m not even reflective right now. I am angry. I am not understanding, and I have no desire to continue this friendship. he is *mean* —Continue reading “journal #14, 1/4/17”

there are no more moments alone

and when the time comes I hug first JH and then WB, and he walks behind me and wraps his arms and we prove we are still fluid; he lifts me up and backwards with a huge closed-mouth smile and I squeal, laugh, crinkling my eyes as JH looks on; it’s a pact: somehow bothContinue reading “there are no more moments alone”

journal #9, 1/1/16

1/1/16, 4:58pm, sitting on a large rock at l– c—- looking out at a picturesque sunset ´╗┐today, we rode in silence. the thing about silence while riding is that it’s difficult to tell what type of silence it is. my silence was a form of rebellion — an anger, an overacceptance of the fact thatContinue reading “journal #9, 1/1/16”

journal #16, 1/6/17

1/6/17, 4:58pm, watching the sunset on a bench on the s—- m—- pier good day, easy day. perhaps days like these aren’t watershed moments in my life, or at least they don’t seem like it. but these days are deeply good; they’re what we endure the other days to get to experience. I’m alone andContinue reading “journal #16, 1/6/17”

journal #15, 1/5/17

1/5/17, 12:16pm, sitting outside smart & final in c—— I suppose a lot has happened in the past 12 hours. JH and I fixed things with a long, mature conversation. things between us are fixed — actually fixed this time. I had *fun*, genuine fun, for the first time the entire trip. I missed this,Continue reading “journal #15, 1/5/17”

journal #11, 1/2/17

1/2/17, 9:26pm, lying in the dark in my sleeping bag on k–‘s floor in o—– a few thoughts that have been in my head today, and wonderfully solidified by a long conversation with ken, but first: WB. what do I do with this kid? I have a crush on him, and not just superficially —Continue reading “journal #11, 1/2/17”

journal #13, 1/3/17

1/3/17, 3:00pm, sitting on the rocks at an unknown beach in by some rusty pipes and a mysterious metal block with a danger sign, watching the birds from that one pixar short do their thing. we downed a can of beans for lunch, and I gave JH the last bit of mine as an oliveContinue reading “journal #13, 1/3/17”