05/30/17, 10:37am, sitting on my bed in Beijing, in the middle of reading Calvino’s Invisible Cities

It has come to my attention that I have in the past devoted significant amounts of time towards gaining a single adjective attached to my being, like being well-read, or being carefree, or being obliviously attractive. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not yet sure whether I should be ashamed of it.


Turds and Existence

To achieve symbolic immortality, we must live a life of meaning; we must fashion a symbolic existence. So we define ourselves by our thoughts and aspirations and memories and intelligence and morality, things that can be transmitted through culture as abstractions. We extend our identities beyond the natural world; we become supernatural. But there’s another side to our existence, one less angelic. It’s the side that shits and bleeds and oozes and breaks and eventually stops working and rots away, just like every other creature on the planet. In Besker’s terms, we are “gods with anuses.” And this fact tears us apart; to the degree that we are mortal animals, we are not immortal souls. – Matthew Hutson, The 7 Laws of Magical Thinking

This is something I think about a lot, and so this resonated with me – up until the last sentence. Because these things have never torn me apart – in fact, I love them. I love thinking about the fact that all these luminaries and tyrants and religious figures also shitted and had stomachaches and everything else human and banal and boring.

and….sunday sleepover

so on sunday i have a lazy day and sleep in until like 10:30. i never sleep in till 10:30. theres something wrong with me.

church, i decided to go almost makeup free. i looked like crap. whatever.

before we went my mom forced me to the sauna. fun stuff there, all sweaty. sunday best, right?

got to church, our youth group leaders talked about discipline. it was good, i think i have discipline. except not recently.

after, i was teaching my brothers to play daylight by matt and kim on the piano. it didnt go well. but, anyway, some kid comes over and plays (really badly) the flight of the bees. and i thought, hey, im level 10 now, i should play it! so now i have been inspired and im actually printing it out right now.

after my mom had choir practice at church so we hung out. i was trying to do roundoffs. fail. my bro E was jumping the walls (hes trying to do freerunning) and so i try stupidly to hop onto a 1 foot block. my brother gets in my way, and i freak out and fall and my knee hits the block. i felt so stupid because my brothers are jumping like 6 foot walls and i get hurt jumping onto a tiny one. i was so dizzy i collapsed when i tried to stand and i sat on the floor dizzily for like 5 minutes. haha. but it turns out it was this bloody cut, and it ruined my jeans.

went home, my friend MZ was waiting for me.

i ate a bowl of leftover squash-rice soup, and some other stuff, and then we went upstairs. we had yearbook time, which is when we go through my yearbook and i tell her about people and we gossip about the people we know, and it doesnt matter because we dont see any of these people. and she vents to me about drama going on….its good having friends outside of school.

we go down and eat this great dinner of cabbage (even though i hate cabbage, it was good) and lean chicken and pesto bread. and we finish it off with ginger snaps. and i give her some coconut milk, but she thought it tasted like lipstick????

we watched the lovely bones. my brothers didnt want to watch it, and were like ‘its so lame and girly’. well you know what they walked in in the middle of it and just watched five seconds and were sucked in, like wide-eyed and gasping and stuff. haha.

her mom came and picked us up and we went to her house. we had year-book time there, too. except not as fun. went on her computer. brushed our teeths and washed our faces (actually really fun). then we got into our sleeping bags and tried talking, but i drifted off to sleep.

got up, apparently i snored last night. im cool. we talked about dreams, and then we got up and ate breakfast. i felt like a pig for eating like twice as much as them. we went back up, chilled with iphoto, chilled more, then my mom came and picked me up.

pretty fun.

just got home.

going to a suprise party tonight and volunteering at a book store…..