08/15/17, 8:25am


I’m in a helicopter or some sort of flying device with my brother next to me and my father and some other man across from me. We’re strapped in with seatbelts, hunched with the bad posture of awkwardness. We’re chatting uncomfortably. It becomes clear that Dad had been gone a while and we hadn’t known what he was up to, and on his latest job, he’d been in the area of (I suppose New York) and thought he’d visit.

He explains that he’s been in the business of going to the government and learning about how it works, and then bringing that information back to his clients. This brain-heavy work makes sense — if it’s one thing my dad is always good at, it’s having quick brains.

We find out that he goes to get the information from the Statue of Liberty, which for some reason completely normally is situated in an idyllic garden, with a large swimming pool and a small flowered island, as well as granite steps on one wide overflowing with greenery. The other man’s kids are here as well; they’re SoCal kids, cross-country kids: girls with long blonde hair and guys with tanned skin and skinny wired muscles.

My dad goes about learning or whatever, and it’s going fine until the SOL wakes up. For a bit, we’re not sure what she’s feeling. It almost seems fine. Then, she begins slinging slow, huge, blimp-like donuts, which we easily avoid. It’s a slow game to jog to the other side of the pool and dodge her donut. Someone yells about how it’s appropriative of Italians, which is nonsensical.

But the donuts come faster and faster and it spirals pretty quickly into something terrifying. She’s sprinting around the pool, as are us kids, and we’re hiding desperately in the shrubbery but she’s finding us there, and suddenly there’s another giant: a dude in an orange shirt, and he’s extremely fast and terrifying, running hard and fast around and squishing us. They squish one of the girls: I’m not there, I’m hiding, but someone yells that her blood is yellow. I try to hide in plain sight, in a groove of the stairs, but I’m too big; my mother is there, screaming, and the boy has set his sights on squishing me and I’m so tired I can’t run anymore and so I shoot straight out and fly out of the garden and push through a small bubble, it seems, and it logically seems I’m safe but somehow I don’t feel so because I keep flying without looking back — I wake up with my heart pounding.



My brothers have never *really* been a huge part of my daily life.

We’re not a crazy-tight family (not that we hate each other, but day-to-day, we do our own thing).

K left for college a month back. That went without us really feeling much of a change.
E left for college yesterday. Even that went without me feeling much of a change.

Until…just now.

My mom cooked vegetables, burnt them (typical), and left them in the pot for whoever to eat whenever. I took first pickings, being the one to save them from completely burning to the point of inedibility (typical).

I took a fourth of the share (typical), knowing there were three other people in the household who need to survive off the burnt vegetables. I stared into the pot. Then at my plate. Then into the pot.

And it hit me.

There are only two other people in the household who need to survive off the burnt vegetables. Two.

No one to give good afternoon grunts to when we were too lazy for proper greetings. No one to snicker with as my mother goes through all our of names before landing on the correct kid, dead last. No one to turn on dub step music to drown out my blasting classical symphonies. No one to make fun of when they talked to girls. No one to embarrass at school by hopping, school bag thumping on my side, across the student center to give an impromptu younger sister squirrel hug.

And I felt so lonely, staring into the pot, inhaling those carbon fumes of those typically burnt vegetables.

winter break 2012


on christmas day, we got up, and just was kind of like any other day. i made these amaaaaazing coconut banana pancakes (i bought a ton of coconut stuff) and just ate like all of it. we finally opened presents around 1, and to my surprise i actually got something. i got a new phone (!!!!) from my mom, but it’s a flip phone and only for emergencies. when i opened it i was kind of….bummed. phones are so expensive! but whatever, i think it was necessary…

i also got 100 bucks from my dad, but i’m going to sneak it back to him.

then, i got this hugggge speaker sound system bar for my iPod and mom’s iPad. i really want to return that, too, because i don’t think it’ll even hurt bro E’s feelings, i mean, it’s pretty much half for him anyway haha.

i may seem kind of unexcited, but it’s because i already bought 50 bucks worth of stuff online (got that peacoat!!)

that night, we had an impromptu christmas party with just friend KW’s parents and WP’s family. it was ok…me and friend KW painted my nails hideously, then we watched youtube videos.

on wednesday, i finnnnnaaalllly saw friend MB! she gave me the backstory on her eating disorder, and then she made a Facebook! we had a mini photoshoot for her profile picture.

on thursday, i was going to hang out with a friend, but instead we headed over to mom’s office and pulled wisdom teeth. bro K came first, and it took 2 hours for 3 teeth. he was pretty calm.

then bro E came, and his teeth were so messed up, they were in sideways and on it’s side. IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OUT. we had to break it into little pieces and dig them out. it took 5 hours. for 2 teeth. no joke. we were all practically crying and bro E was just begging us to stop.

we went home and i was so exhausted and just looking forward to sinking into my bed and doing nothing, and i started, but then i  looked at the clock and realized that instead of 5 o clock, it was 6 o clock. the time i’m supposed to leave for water polo. yeah, i screamed, and ran…

it sucked because i had pigged out 2 minutes before, because i thought it was an hour earlier!!! but we got there on time, and turns out it was the alumni game, so we didn’t do much anyway.


old friends, and bad days (what?)

so break is here, and it’s rolling.

you have no idea how freaking relieved i was!

all that sleep deprivation and stress was really catching up with me…

on saturday, we went to visit friend SJT! yes, the friend SJT from our china summer camp, the one my brother is best friends with. i am sooooo happy that my brother finally has a best friend, actually i’m just happy that he has A friend…he has some trouble connecting with people and his friends always seem to move away to other states and stuff. well, SJT does live like 2 hours away, but he texts her all the time and they talk every day i and i just know they’ll be close forever. I’m so glad he found someone that will always be there for him, i used to be worried he would get depressed or something. he’s lucky. i know i don’t have a friend that i can trust completely like that yet.

you know, i wish they would be together together, like couple, so then they could get married. i hope they do! but right now, i don’t think it’s looking like it. they’re just bestbestbestbest friends….and she’s so sweet!

we drove there (bro E, the jerk, didn’t want to go because he just wanted to be with his friends. a-hole. i guilted him into it) and when they saw each other they ran and screamed and hugged for 10 minutes. no joke.

we went out to eat, i ate so much i felt sick, but it was nice. then we went to the pier around there, and walked around the shops and saw this little street dance show going on…they pulled me, SJT, and bro K in for the demonstration. it was sort of sketchy, like they looked like druggies, but it was fun.

then we went to the arcade, where we spend like 10 dollars just playing the toy machine, where you use the toggle thing and guide the claw until it drops and you try to get a stuffed animal. well, i wrecked that thaaaaanggggg i got 4 out of 10! which is good for me because i’ve never gotten any before.

then we went and got froyo!

after that we went back to her house and opened presents (she’s so cute…she got me peanuts cuz she knows i love them and this really pretty watch…and for bro K she got him an iPod nano! and more, of course.) my bro got her a pair of turtle doves and wrote this huge long thing about it…it was touching to see him put that much effort into something. i can tell he really cares.

then it was time to go home… it was sad.

yesterday, we had church, and i gotta say i hate EMC’s guts. i don’t know what happened. i don’t know how we went to best friends to this. she ignores me…but then i feel like when we were friends, it was more that we were in a lot of activities together than actual friendship. i guess i just misunderstood.

so annoying that i still see her every sunday. she performed in the little christmas service today. annoying little miss perfect, playing her little instrument and my mom asks me why i don’t do that too.


after, we went christmas shopping, which was a wreck. i won’t go into details, but lets just say the day was wrecked, we were all in a bad mood, my brother got a stupid, pointless gift, EXPENSIVE gift for my dad, and we went home tired and miserable.

right after i went to friend CP’s house and we watched christmas movies and ate cheese sticks and alfredo and cookies and it finally felt like christmas. ❤

today was super productive. i woke up at 7:30, had a quick banana-peppermint-chocolate smoothie, and got down to business. all last week there was a HUGE pile of clothes (we are talking all of my clothes, in the middle of my room) just sitting there and i was too frazzled to clean it up. i finally did. 

it took 2 hours. for a pile of clothes.

then i went and started to clean.  i clean in, like, torrents. i go on cleaning sprees. i cleaned for two hours and got ‘er dun.

then i baked. i have baking sprees too. i made banana oat bars, banana-chocolate fudge, and date-chocolate larabars.

then i ate a late lunch, and played piano. then i searched for a peacoat (cuz my old one, the onei had my eye on for months and read all the reviews for and it FINALLY WENT ON SALE and my annoying mom didn’t let me buy it [‘wait, we’ll go shopping and then buy it later!’ yeah, right.] and when we came home from our miserable shopping trip it was sold out….yes in one day.), but didn’t find one for under 100 bucks, then played more piano. then i got extremely frustrated and stressed out and i hit the piano, and grabbed my iPod and went for a walk/run outside in the dark behind our neighborhood at my special place: the mountain trail.

it was really calming…i ran there in my sweats and pi’s and i listened to my music and just looked out at the view and just felt God. it was nice.

then i went back and my parents were worried, because apparently we were leaving soon and i had just suddenly disappeared and it was dark out…

we went to this rich, modern church and the service was entertaining, but i was so tired i fell asleep and did not hear any of it.

it’s christmas eve, and i’m going to sleep. MERRY CHRISTMAS!


way too much

this is gonna be a long one.

once again, i’ve let an insane amount of time go by since my lost post. sorry, future me, but you won’t get a journal of what i’m feeling AT THAT MOMENT, but you WILL at least get a view of my reflections….

alright. break came and went way too fast, and school was backkkkkk. 

rundown of the schoolzzzz. chem. our table is pretty awesome, and i find myself looking forward to that class. popular guy has a great sense of humor, and we make fun of him for being the slacker. cheerleader KC is nice too, and funny. she’s starting to show the quirky side of her. actually, my friend AU from 6th is friends with her (they’re both cheerleaders) and when i hung out with her in the library after school a few times, cheerleader was there, too. so we got to know each other outside of chem. also, we’ve walked to class together…i’d love to get to know her, because she’s got such a fun personality, but i feel our friend groups are just too separate.

 weird philosopher is same old, same old. 

in spanish, i’ve gotten JR and ST’s numbers! they’re awesome in class, but we aren’t really hang out or talk outside of class friends yet….PGF Y is pretty nice, too, but a bit perverted and concerned with being cool. MC, sadly, doesn’t talk to me much anymore….i have a feeling it has to do with EMC.

and here we go with EMC. i can’t believe i was ever friends with her. she literally hasn’t talked to me in a month. we don’t say hi. we don’t contact each other. i think we did once talk, when we were both talking to a mutual friend, and she shot down everything i said. honestly, she’s always done that. and it’s annoying, because she doesn’t do it outright, but she just does this little WTF is she talking about laugh and goes ‘ok…’, as in ‘why would i care you are a freak’ kind of implications. but no one really notices that she does this all the time, and it’s not directly, like, dissing me or anything so no one thinks she’s being mean. when she does talk to me at church, it’s all business and all fake-nice, until someone better comes along and she ditches me. i get the feeling she talks about me, because friend JS and KM don’t talk to me anymore, either. i hope she feels good knowing that she was the one person i trusted enough to tell my stupid little problems with my family and my self image and my stresses to and just dropped me.

well i had to get that out.

i wonder what’s going to happen during track season when we are on the same relay…

then there’s my band section leader, who i now know has been saying things about me to the people in band. awesome. i so glad she’s leaving next year. i think she’s the one person i absolutely hate. of course she doesn’t know it. 

and though this looks like i am a spoiled, little teenager who has petty little problems, i just want to say that yes, that’s true, but this is my diary of sorts and that’s what i’m feeling. also i want to add that i tried, really tried to be nice to both these people and yet they still treat me like crap. so that’s it. 

back to school….

in 4th period, BB and i are getting closer. she makes me sad, in a way. her family is very well-off, but her parents are never home, so she has a driver that drives her everywhere. she lives pretty much alone in a big house that’s empty…i’m not even exaggerating. i just want to say that i am so happy for my family, even though they have their problems and i honestly wish with all my heart that my parents were divorced, at least i have parents at all. and though her clothes are cuter and she has more extracurriculars and and way more money, she doesn’t have siblings like mine or grandparents like me or my awesome friends.

in 5th, we moved seats. this popular junior guy talked to me outside of class…..overall, it’s ok, but i’m starting to struggle in math, which is absolutely crazy because i’ve never struggled in math in my life. that just goes to show that he’s a horrible teacher.

6th, i’m definitely close with my friends AC and AU. we wrote our crime and punishment essay, which i think i’ll do decent on.

school has been stressful, and i haven’t done anything the past weekend except study.

other friends in general, it’s good. I’ve started to spend waaaaay more time with friend AD. we skyped for like 2 hours one day and after that, it just clicked. she’s having her first real boyfriend. 

they made out. hardcore. which worries me because they went pretty far, and they’re still really early on….i want to influence her to be more, i don’t know, prude i guess but i don’t know how to tell her. i’m already the prude christian friend.

water polo is going better. this one girl doesn’t really like me, but that’s whatever. i have friends. i feel I’m improving. i’m getting close to friend CP and DM.

some events that happened: cross country banquet, piano recital (i practiced the whole day and panicked. it was a wake-up call for me…i need to bust my butt on piano).

i miss friend MB like crazy. she’s still in treatment for her ED, but she can see people and stuff. i skyped her. i’m scared to talk about food with her…i don’t know how she’ll react.

same with friend ERC. we haven’t skyped in forever, and it’s killing me. i really don’t want our friendship to just fade away…

I’m getting closer to this PGF C, and he’s gay but he doesn’t know that i know it. we’ll see where that goes. 

yesterday my brother had a health scare. he was shivering uncontrollably and the paramedics came, only for him to magically get better. also, i lurked his texts (i know, i know) and he’s making real connections with ST. i love her, and i’m soooooo happy for bro K that he finally has a true friend, one that’s always gonna be there for him and support him. in fact i’m jealous. i want someone like that…

i spent a while today looking at people on Facebook. and i realized they seem to have real friendships that they just throw everything into and aren’t afraid to screw up. i wondered why i don’t have that. and i think it’s because i’m very guarded, very insecure and i don’t trust people easily….

bro E came home yesterday. we went out today as a family with my uncle (but no dad) and it was great to have two brothers and just let loose. i love my brothers, no matter what i say about them sometimes. i am so fortunate to have them.

today was a good day.

let summer begin!!!

So much has happened! Life is going so nice right now.

Of course, theres the fact that it’s summer! SUMMERRRRRRRR

I have been working out and running in the mountains behind my house on these great trails. I’m working up to running for an hour straight, then improving my speed.

The last week of school was pretty fine. I gave that speech, and it was totally fine! My friend AD was freaking out because she apparently started crying during hers…I’m talking about that here because 1) she came to me when she was upset, which is great, and 2) its nice to know that even super-confident people like her can screw up and get nervous.

I went to my brothers graduation! Can’t believe he’s going to be leaving soon L. All the seniors did these ‘introductions’, and my brother had this cute one, like ‘everyone puts your hands up and touch the sky. Now laugh. Now hug the person to your left!’ it was a risky thing but it totally worked cuz everyone did it!

Then there were the weird ones, like the popular guys who graduated in speedos….and the awesome one where he was like ‘everybody……STOP!’ and everyone froze, then he went “I have to instagram this” and whipped out his iphone! Hahahaha

After I rushed to the beach and hung out. Then I walked around the 101 and bought this cute tribal dress and this v neck grey t shirt, just to kick off summer! Then I slept over at my friend JC’s house.

The next day I went to LA for this pre-camp meeting for the thing I’m doing in china. We got stuck in traffic and were an hour late. Joy. But I met the people; there was this girl and this guy that stuck out to me as friendly so they’re probably who I’ll be friends with.

After bro K and mom and I went to eat chinese food.

Sunday was fathers day. We got up super early and made a huge omelet and an avocado salad, then we went on a hike where I run. We got back and hung out until we went to a church potluck that night.

On Monday I hung out with friend ERC  I haven’t seen her in forever and she leaves for her ballet camp on wednesday  we went to the boardwalk and took like $3 worth of almond samples, and bought this apple granola that was weirdly chewy and tasted like apple pie! Then we went to the froyo place and took samples from there too…..so good

We went home and made a music video to skyscraper by demi lovato! Sooooo fun its crazy. Then our spazzy friend KS called and we made pancakes and literally ran around the neighborhood with mission impossible music playing and put them on people’s doorsteps! Krayyyy this is what summer is about

We went back to my house and edited the skyscraper video until we fell asleep

The next day my friend AH and I went to the boardwalk again and hung out at this clothing store. We went back and just walked around her neighborhood until I had to go…just a chill dayyyyy

Today I went running and have had a pretty unproductive day so its great.

Gotta love summer.


spring break and week after

So im actually on spring break, on a road trip.

I haven’t had any time to post before, so here I am.

Quick overview (probably not, itll be super long, just watch)

Saturday was triton’s day (for UCSD, for my brother) so I just went too. There was an insane amount of traffic…once we were like 2 exits away all hell broke loose. We stopped. Like dead stop, not moving. We then proceeded to move a foot ever 5 minutes or so. Not kidding.

We ditched that and went local. That took about an hour, but still faster. We then went to some 6th college welcome presentations and crap, and then to the fair to ask questions. Then we left.

But my mom left the keys in ignition, so we were out of battery. We had to get some strangers to jump start our car. Then the radio was broken because they connected the wrong cables.

But yeah. Got home eventually and packed. We left Sunday, reallllly behind schedule, and drove to UCLA. Our gps didn’t work, and we were totally screwed, so we got some friends to google map it for us. Then when we got there, we got a tour from a friend who goes there. It was waaaay helpful, and UCLA is so much prettier than UCSD, and there are waaaay more choices…..i would definitely go there, but my brother’s not sure.

Then we drove to USC, and just cruised around until we realized it was stupid to just look at the exterior of the campus at night with no information.

We went to a junky chinese restaurant and then went to our westin hotel. It was supposed to be really nice, so I was super excited, but it had horrible service.

We slept, then got up the next day and went to their posh pool/gym/jaccuzi thing. I was feeling super skinny :_

Then we rushed to  Caltech and got a really great tour from this girl. We had a hard time finding it because Caltech looks like a really pretty little cottage-ey neighborhood! We finally realized it, and got going. Just for the record, Caltech is the most beautiful college campus I have ever seen. Too bad, I would never go there even if I got in because I don’t particularily like math, or science, and I hate eingineering with a passion.

Harvey-mudd college and got a tour there from a really hot guy haha. That took us a while, and then we cruised around Pomona before heading to death valley.

We basically drove there, then stayed at this hotel called armagosa. It had a legend or story or whatever, with this lady who got stranded there (its in this tiny town that’s literally a diner, the hotel and a general store with like 5 shacks scattered around) and decided to buy the town, and then perform there forever, or something.

I actually thought it was kind of sad. Who would buy a town to perform in it?

Anyway, the hotel was kind of bad, but super expensive. The water was oddly slimy. I am not joking.

Annnnywho, the next day we toured death valley. We got up around 4:30 and went to see the sunrise at this peak, and we talked to a really nice (I think gay men) couple. They were from London.

Then we checked out the salt flats at the lowest point. We tasted the salt (not sure if that’s allowed, or recommended….ha). by then it was already pretty hot. Then we drove back to the hotel because we forgot to return their keys, and we ate at the diner and then took a mini tour of the opera house the lady performed in. then we drove back and went to Scotty’s castle, where we took a hilarious tour. By then its like 100 degrees and we are sweating our butts off, so we go the crater thingy. It was insanely windy. We were in a rush, so we left quick, and we hit the sand dunes. I wanted to hike to the biggest one, but my brothers got all whiny.

We tried to get to the Darwin falls, but it was too late, so we drove for another 100 miles or so to our hotel in this tiny, tiny town called lone pine.

That night, I was checking the weather in squaw valley, which is where we were headed next to visit and ski with my mom’s mentor. Well, there was a blizzard with 2 feet of snow and 40 mph gusts of wind at 19 degrees. So we couldn’t go. We were all disappointed, but we went to mammoth instead. It started snowing right away, and it snowed the entire time! We drove around looking for a board rental place, then we decided to go play in the snow! That we did for like 2 hours! It was great, and the snow was ammmaaaazzzzing.

But then right before we were about to leave, my bro K (who tore his ligament and since then has kept injuring it) tore it again. And then the mood was killed, and he couldn’t ski…it sucked.

So the next day, we headed off to go skiing and boarding, and he stayed at the hotel.

He didn’t seem that down, but I don’t know.

But the skiing was great. After a few intermediate runs, me and bro E went down the bluejay! It was so fun and lumpy….i felt accomplished because it was a black diamond.

I got crazy heavy snowing and fog around 4, plus that was when it closed, so we left. We returned our boards and stuff, and then we went out to thai food for dinner with bro K. then we headed to the charter house and caught the happy meal, then went back to the hotel and slept.

We left the next day in a panic because we figured from the hotel front desk that if we didn’t leave RIGHT AWAY, we would be snowed in and marooned on the mountain. So we busted our butt out. The car was covered in snow!

We drove down to LA and found a hotel to stay at. Guess what. Instead of a trusty cheap best western or something (I like to spend conservatively) we stayed at the hyatt. On the avenue of the stars. Why? Because we were meeting my mom’s friends and she wanted to impress them, im sure. We went to the pool. It was raining. It was fun.

We went out to meet these kids of her friend (like always…awkwardly set up by my mom) they were these privileged rich kids that were surprisingly nice, but still, you could tell they were used to nice stuff. Like the girl was talking about going to a really expensive music festival, and movie premieres, and all that no biggie. You know, my favorite designer is dior, I buy ‘everything’ from there. This girl is 13. Arg.

We went to dinner and I ordered this great salad that was literally a huge pile of spiniach, some chopped red beets, and a huge hunk of mozzarella cheese. No joke, just this random glob in the middle of my plate….good though. More rich people tendencies….they looked at the menu and decided all the appetizers looked yummy so they ordered one of everything! Came out to like 100 bucks just for the starter. Whaddayaknow?

The parents ditched us for drinks and cocktails and left us kids, so we hung out at the rich mall in Beverly hills, then went to the hotel and played hearts until midnight. Went to the elevator and pressed all the buttons on this 30 story building, then pretended to be clueless Asian tourists. Ive always wanted to do that. I know its bratty but come on. It was on my bucket list.

The next day we went to bruins day at UCLA. My brother E committed! Yay hes going to UCLA! J

Went to a chinese restaurant on the way home, then I literally konked out on my bed.


Now I didn’t get a chance to post this, but here’s how my week went.

Got home on Saturday. Sunday went to church. I went to my friend ERC’s little sister’s birthday party at pump it up, this jumpy place for little kids. So great. I got major plastic burn from falling, though.

Uneventful week. Back at track after two weeks of nothing. Switched seats in all my classes. In math Im bonding with my new table mates in math. In bio im not next to friend AH! Im next to this hipster guy who is plugged into his ipod all day….i don’t know his name. I have never talked to him. How do I, interrupt his music or what?

Worked with friend SS. It was ok.

Im feeling more and more unsure about friend EMC. She just seems like shes always trying to put me down, and im always second choice. Its confusing.

Track meet did not go well. Well, we beat the JV A team on relays, but I got 2nd on hurdles because of a really stupid mistake im ashamed to write up here. You know the dividing line between the lanes? Well I guess the blood rushed to my head when I popped up from the block or something because I couldn’t follow it. I swerved into someone else’s lane ( nobody noticed, so I wasn’t disqualified) but I was put in last place until I worked butt to catch up and matched with the first girl…almost.

Whatever. In practice on Friday, I redeemed myself by 3-steppingthe hurdle. Only freshman that could! EMC did really bad, and she actually fell!  I hope she was okay, but I actually felt a little smug about it. I am a terrible person, but seeing her fail at something for once was nice. Shes so perfect at absolutely everything, always has it together…ugh.

Friday night I went to church. Little did I know, it was a guy’s only night. Awkward.

This morning I went to this jazz band festival. We were the first group, so we were there at 7:20 am.

We played ok, and when the judges gave their oral comments, this one judge came up to me and showed me how to accent the beats 2 and 3 instead of 1 and 3, and improv and all that. Exactly what I wish I could have known and long time ago.

Then I got home and did nothing.

Really the most productive thing I did was clean my room and finally unpack my suitcase from a week ago!

I also discovered plantain chips with guacamole. Plantain chips, I swear, taste just like potato chips, but better.

Oh, and I watched this great video that both makes me feel like a horrible person and inspires me not to be at the same time. ok this isn’t the exact video, but its the same guy but i couldn’t find the full 45 minute speech but you can go look it up yourself! its truly amazing.

Well that’s it! phewwwww