Bro and a Friend

Sooo visited my bro K today for lunch, and his friend came along.

And his friend reminded me so much of ML. Especially from the back. But also his face, and the way he talked, and the way he carried himself, and, oddly, his calves.

So of course, I had this attraction (again, not sexual) towards him. Like, I really, really want to be friends with this guy.



My brothers have never *really* been a huge part of my daily life.

We’re not a crazy-tight family (not that we hate each other, but day-to-day, we do our own thing).

K left for college a month back. That went without us really feeling much of a change.
E left for college yesterday. Even that went without me feeling much of a change.

Until…just now.

My mom cooked vegetables, burnt them (typical), and left them in the pot for whoever to eat whenever. I took first pickings, being the one to save them from completely burning to the point of inedibility (typical).

I took a fourth of the share (typical), knowing there were three other people in the household who need to survive off the burnt vegetables. I stared into the pot. Then at my plate. Then into the pot.

And it hit me.

There are only two other people in the household who need to survive off the burnt vegetables. Two.

No one to give good afternoon grunts to when we were too lazy for proper greetings. No one to snicker with as my mother goes through all our of names before landing on the correct kid, dead last. No one to turn on dub step music to drown out my blasting classical symphonies. No one to make fun of when they talked to girls. No one to embarrass at school by hopping, school bag thumping on my side, across the student center to give an impromptu younger sister squirrel hug.

And I felt so lonely, staring into the pot, inhaling those carbon fumes of those typically burnt vegetables.

water polo over, friends and acquaintances, miserable chinese new year

last week of water polo. i have to say, i’m a little sad, even though i sucked completely and indescribably, i still enjoyed playing. our last away game, i only played like a quarter and a half, even though i played well. *sigh*

last home game, we scream-drowned out the other team’s parents. trolololol

last practice was fun, we did the shooting game again. 1 hit cap = 1 less bodybuilder. we went from 40 to just 10!

so that was that.

school was not too stressful. Writing an essay, nothing really happening. I even had time to go running with the preseason crew. we only did 4 miles easy. I have the worst luck of going on all the recovery run days.

and actually, i’m definitely getting more comfortable with them. before, it was always so awkward. i think it’s because i’m so close now to friend DM. she’s probably going to be one of my besties…’s hard to not get close to someone when you play three sports with them. and when you see someone all ugly….running all sweaty and red-faced, and makeup free and freezing during polo. it’s great. I couldn’t go makeup free in front of ANYONE before, so i guess water polo was good for one thing.

3rd is ok. i don’t think MC likes me, for some reason. I don’t have any actual friends, but i would say that no one hates me, and most people like me in that class. I’ve got people to be partners with and talk to and joke with, and that’s good enough.

4th is same. a cheerleader girl who’s super nice and i always partner up, so that’s good.

5th, same. they are all juniors, but i talk to them. 6th ditto. i actually remember that thursday and friday this week were really good in particular just because a bunch of people talked to me that usually we don’t talk much. that’s all you really need.

also, my delia’s order came. the flats are uncomfortable but sososo cute, so idk; the tom knockoffs are amazing and such a good deal, the swimsuit top was a really obnoxious pink (returning, definitely) but the bottoms were floral and adorable; and finally the grey ‘jeggings’ were so tight and stiff that when i for them to school (assuming they would stretch), i couldn’t feel my legs after 1st period and i had to call my mom to bring me leggings! definitely returning that too….you know, i haven’t worn actual jeans in over a month. and i can’t think of a day in the past month when i didn’t wear a hoodie, or actually looked GOOD. i’ve got to try harder…people are going to think i’m an ugly gross person who doesn’t shower or something.

piano went ok this morning. it’s ironic; last week i practiced hours and hours and she freaking shot me down, and this week i barely practiced at all and she applauded me. i should just stop.

oh, and my brother’s foot is doing well. i get to help clean the wound and stuff, and it’s kind of gross. i get this weird feeling in my stomach, which needs to stop because i’ve been telling everyone that gory stuff doesn’t gross me out.

my mom’s friend got hit by a car while my mom was walking with her. she broke her leg and got surgery, but she looks totally fine. My mom was freaking out about it.

tonight is chinese new year, which is apparently like christmas and thanksgiving put together. millions and millions of people are traveling home to eat with their family, and my mom freaking left us tonight to go a church party. me, my old grandma, my dying grandfather with cancer, and my pitiful dad. dad’s sitting on the couch watching tv. my grandparents are too nice to say anything, but you can tell they are sad that they’re alone tonight. this may be the last new year with laoye, and she left. sometimes i think that this whole reborn christian thing is all just social, and she just wants friends. which is great, but….i feel like we don’t come first anymore.

my dad is pissed. Which is just so hypocritical and ironic i could just die. when did he ever do anything for my mom? he was the one that left to eat out on chinese new year’s last year.

oh yeah, and the lawsuit is over. we sort of won. they declared bankruptcy a while back, so we pay all the lawyer fees. and after 10 years of fighting, we ended up with our land back again. yay. nobody wants to buy it.

a happy christmas

well the day started out fine. i got up nice and late, ate granola, berries, and almond milk ( yum). got on the mac and downloaded like 40 songs haha. i get sort of carried away.

then we started cleaning and stuff for the little get-together we had tonight. i sliced a ton of potatoes and whatnot.

then it went awful. like horribly awful. my mom did this little thing that pissed my dad off. normally it wouldn’t piss him off. it shouldn’t piss anyone off. it was a totally reasonable thing to do. but with all the extra tension lately and stuff (plus the fact that they hate each other) and it turned into a one-sided (my dad) screaming fight. my mom is really sick, so she sort of whispered back at him.

things calmed down when my bro E came in and played the police. like always. i don’t know what I’m going to do without him when he leaves for college. its going to be hell.

Anyway, i practiced piano and all. ate a lot of soup. helped out more.

worried about my grandma. she’s really sick. she ran a fever last night. thats really bad, since she’s so old and already not in a good condition…

but she got a bit better, and the day turned out to be ok, actually.

day turned out to be great, actually, but thats later in this story.

i showered, changed, set the table. the guests came 40 minutes late (of course, they are asian, what do you expect?) and they watched football.

ate the edible arrangement fruit thing we got from my mom’s mentor.

ate the food. there was nothing really amazing and addicting, which was actually good so i didn’t overeat like usual.

then since we hadn’t opened gifts yet (yeah, nighttime and we still haven’t opened gifts. i know.) we just decided to open them. even though the guest were here. tacky. yup. but hey they are close family friends, and they don’t care.

and guess what.

my brother E………



sad thing is, even though its amazing and he’s great and thoughtful, i know its not good for me. i literally would rather have a nano. because i can’t run with a touch! i can’t do anything with a touch! i’m probably not going to take it anywhere! because ill always be scared that it will break!


my other brother K is the opposite of me. he’s stoked. he’s already taken it out of the case and is playing with it now. (he got one too)

but yeah. I was really shocked this year because my brother E got presents for everyone! and the most important thing is, is that he got 1000 bucks from my parents for doing good on the SAT/ACT, and he spent it all on presents.

no really. he didn’t spend any on himself.

it makes me happy. turns out that despite growing up in an awful household with a horrible example of parents, he still turned out great.

I’m going to miss him so much.

but all this gift-giving made me feel awful. guess what i got everyone? a gingerbread cookie in the shape of their zodiac sign. i feel like a thoughtless loser. and here i thought i was being creative and original.

my mom gave me a hundred dollars but i gave it back because i spent about that much on black friday. i figured she already gave me a present.

so, in the end, christmas turned out ok.

i love my brothers.

surprise party

so when i got home, i just chilled and stuff. then my day was ruined by my mom having an insane fever in which she comes to me and tells me to go get the computer from my brother. i go get it. he wants to finish his round. my mom freaks out, storms in and takes the computer and screams at us all. then she freaks out about us not having the christmas tree up. then she goes back to bed and sobs uncontrollably.

what were we supposed to do? i get my brothers to set up the tree, and then they decide that, no, they aren’t going to because of some twisted logic that mom will like that better. yeah right idiots. mom freaks out more.

and through all this i had a surprise party to go to.

so i go back up, let my mom vent to me (like always) and then make her dinner and whatnot and calm her down. then i go to buy a gift for my friend, and then i go to the party.

its way smaller than i thought. and there are only 2 other guests there. buts it was nice and fun. we got some strangers to say ‘surprise’ when friend MH walked in and it was funny because she basically glared at them. but she was happy later.

the pizza was good.

the goat cheese was good.

got back to her house, ate cake, and then we watched ‘the help’. it was a good movie, except that my friends told me it was a horror movie, and it wasn’t, and they kept that up until halfway through the movie when i figured it out myself. it was good, though.

we got ready for bed and fell asleep right away.

woke up, ate eggs. i said ‘yeah, over easy is ok.’ IT WASNT. i had no idea what it was, and they were all runny and half-raw…..ugh. gross. i choked it down because i didn’t want to hurt feelings.

got home, called my friend KS and walked down to her house. it was fun and all, until she decided to sass her mom and her mom sent me home. i went home and watched tv and ran (finally!) but my time got like 2 minutes worse! thats what i get for not running for an entire month…

showered and stuff, right now as i type, my mom is lecturing me about being a mean person to this retarded girl CC. she is realllllly annoying, and for about 3 years i was literally the only person that stuck up for her and tried to get my friends to not make fun of her. (she thinks we all love her) its so ironic.

chatting with friends and making plans. i don’t know why i was so worried that i wouldn’t have any life over break. now i can’t fit in all of my friends…

slightly disappointing crush v day

wellllllll i had a dream that i woke up super late and dressed awfully and looked like a wreck and went to school and crush v ignored me…..

and then i woke up early.

so yah i took twice as long to do my mini-workout…..i made it more of a strength thing because i did it reaaaallllly slowmo so it took a lot of strength to hold it up.

brushed my teeth, wore this awesome (i think) dress with this navajo-esque print made of airy cotton and a burnt red color. with a textured button-down over it. and suede boots. and i loved it. other people, not so much…

so i got to 2nd and i talked with my friend S (our friendship now solid yay!) we have a lot of new inside jokes from our sleepover over break. and yah. finished the movie about wolves or whatever.

went to 4th. and you know what that means. crush VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

so here goes. at first he ignored me and i ignored him. then he made some comments on my convo. (made fun of me for getting dissed, thanks.) made fun of my food (not a sandwich today!) talked a teensy bit. and then he spent the rest of the time up at the front of the classroom teaching. smart kid.

apparently he is excited for the tournament this weekend (i told him i was dreading it)


so thats about it. had a confusing lunch, walked down, walked up with a different person, went back to normal eating spot, spent the time being bored and nothing really happened. didn’t really talk that much. but friend S got dumped by her senior boyfriend, and she didn’t tell me even though we talked all through 2nd period, and she didn’t seem broken up about it at all.

then in 6th all the girls who made the soccer team were talking about it and stuff. and i felt like trash.

boring class, really. worked in partners again, and i can just tell when the teacher tells us who we are going to work with, my partner is always kind of sad. cuz everyone there thinks I’m a loser that never talks. which is kind of true in that class.

walked to the pickup spot, and me and my brother had a conversation. that doesn’t usually happen. i think our relationship is improving; before it was awkward just standing next to each other in silence and when one of us talked it was like ‘what the heck is you problem?’

got home, all good and boring, gonna go play piano since I’m not gonna have time later (even though my competition is this weekend! i have to beat my friend!)

brother college apps

btw, just though id put it on here that my brother is working really hard on his college app essays. and we are all really, really worried. he is applying to all the UC schools, and we all know that the server is going to crash tomorrow (which is the deadline). so he has to turn it in today. and he just wrote it. we have all been staying up late helping him revise, giving him advice……i just don’t know. i am really worried for him.