Can’t deny it.

I liked him. And I still like him.

I said it.

But it’s way too late, and he’s moved on, and it’s not like anything actually could have realistically come of it. 

I keep thinking that he does these little things for me, like he did when he liked me, but nope. I read way too much into things. We’re really…just friends. That’s it. I send him random things, he barely checks them out. He sends me things, I watch them over and over and think that it’s so thoughtful, until he tells me that it was just some random thing sent out of boredom. We Skype, and he tells me about girls that he plans on asking to prom, how pretty certain people are, and plays video games while half listening to what I’m saying. 

It totally kills me. But there’s nothing that I can do.



I just talked to Friend ML and saw his face and actually talked for the first time in almost a month. I just messaged him and literally the next second, he called. I swear I miss him so much…It’s just nice to have a solid friend I can literally always, always count on; no insecurities, no doubts.

Perfect Day

Can I just take a moment to acknowledge what a great day I just had?

It wasn’t a special day. It was really quite average. 

But it was such a good day.

1. It was productive. I got up early, did homework, finished it. Practiced piano and got a whole solid half page of a WTC in less than in hour. Done. Boom.

2. While I’m on piano, I finally got around to emailing some of my professors from over the summer. I emailed my studio instructor to say thank  you. I emailed another to ask for advice on my WTC. I emailed the last to ask for teacher recommendations in my area. I emailed my school teacher about a club that I’m starting. Made the page for the club and added all the sign-ups to it. All things I had been putting off. 

3. Also on piano, I had my first lesson with RU! It went quite well…it’s out of my comfort zone, which is always good. I’m challenging myself. How? He’s not classical. We’ll be doing pop songs and accompaniment…all which require a lot of knowledge and fluency in keys, chords, and progressions…really just a lot of music theory. Time to apply what I’ve learned.

4. Went out (I can be a pretty content hermit sometimes. Sometimes I have to force myself to get out) to a small group meeting. The content was relevant and I soaked it up. 

5. Choir! I finally got a ride. It was just as great as I thought. I was extra friendly because I do want to make friends. Talked to friend HF….I’m trying to get into her teacher’s studio. It’s tough. I’m nervous.

6. It was a good food day, which is always great.

7. I talked to friend ML (though that sort of went sour…) and friend HW AND OMG THIS NEXT ONE NEEDS A NEW BULLET POINT

8. ERC IS COMING TO VISIT I literally screamed when I got the news and ran around jumping. My mother was pretty amused.

It was just such a great day.

Thousands of Miles Away

You know what I realized?

My friends…My true friends, the ones that I trust with my life and my thoughts and my secrets and my dreams….they live thousands and thousands of miles away. Hours of transportation. It’s likely that I will not see them in person for a long time, if ever.

About a week ago, I was chilling in my room. Reading some book around midnight.

My iPod pings. It’s a message. From Friend TK. 

“What time is it there?”

I answer. Midnight. What am I doing? Getting ready for bed. What is he do-?….. wait.

It’s 3 am where he lives.

“What the heck are you doing up at 3 am?”

“Doing drugs.”

Typical. Sassy TK. He never fails to crack me up.

“No, actually.”

“Talking to my favorite girl.”

Well, hello. Cue warm fuzzy feelings.

Friend MR chats me. I respond within a second because I miss him like crazy. He takes a full 20 minutes to reply.

But he asks me how I’m doing and he tells me how his college apps are killing him and we make fun of each other and catch up. 

Friend ML chats me around the same time. It’s freaking 3 am for him, too. I honestly don’t know what’s up with them.

Come visit in November, he says.


There’s a dance. Wink, smiley face. He would go if I came. Jkjk, of course. But, actually, though, he says. Smiley face.

And I’m like….Fuzzy, fluffy, feelings and teddy bears and rainbows and butterflies and sunshine

Oh…I miss him. I miss them all.

Friend ML

Just kidding! We finally got a chance to chat on Wednesday, and today we finally got to talk. Like, actually talk. Like, over Skype. It was fun and he met my mom…except I’ve told my mom how he reminds me of my brother, and she was all to ready to bring that up…hello awkward reminders of his crush and how I rejected him…

Thanks, mom.

But it was ok. We ended up talking for like 2 hours even though we both had stuff to do. 

Ahhhh I miss him. And everyone. I miss everyone.