4/19/17 10:33am, on my bed in my dorm at college

Loudness is communication. Communication allows for understanding and change. What bothers me about MH, and now HJ is that they are quiet. They do not yell, or protest, or retaliate; they recoil. But this is far, far worse: in their quietness, they are resolute. Their judgements are set, their conclusions wrapped about you and your flaws. I would much rather they criticize openly.

a note on what attracts me to people

romantically: people who are remarkable in an above-it-all, chill, easy, intellectual way. I think that’s actually really fucking accurate. an ease, a brain, and, more rationally, a kindness.

more generally: people who I perceive to be remarkable in some way; any way really. I think the intellectual and the kindness still apply, and then an additional remarkable drive is also something I am drawn towards. the ease is not something I seem to require, I think.

regardless. I had a conversation with MH the other day, and we found each other’s friendship styles to be markedly different — whereas I hand-pick my friends, she seems to fall into groups and not worry about individual friendships within those groups, instead choosing to let whatever happen naturally. JS was similar, except even more scattered, falling with literally whoever, group or not.

A list of friendships I am truly hopeful for

AM. The OG homie. The brother. Close to a fault. Simultaneous overdone comfort and borderline conflict. Worried about the roommate situation.

YM. International student friend. Click on humor, on interests, and on deep issues. Self-effacing. Genuinely love her company. Possibly a weekly lunch?

SF. Complex, interesting, likable, extroverted. I feel insecure in this one, like he’ll ditch when the year starts.

MH. Thoughtful, so thoughtful, and always laughing. Just a joy in general. My ideal person.

ES. Haven’t spoken all summer really, hoping to keep up our weekly lunches and work on the social issue project.

MS. Spent the summer angry at him and annoyed. Insecure and petty, but so fun and so interesting. Solid turned volatile relationship.

SY. Such a great guy. Too great of a guy. Gone for the semester.

RK. Best friends with SY. So…chill. Lowkey and down to Earth, and a genuine pleasure to be around. Easy.

JH. The true OG homie. 3000 miles and a Skype call away, but 4 hour conversations that are so easy, too easy, like breathing air. Sporadic messaging.

To let go

WB. Repeatedly attempted possible Facetimes turned to nothing, and I am over it. Not taken personally. It’s him. He’s distant. That’s fine, but I don’t need to pander after him in an unequal friendship.

JKm. Distant. Gone, essentially. Cold silences and unconcerned silences.