what is this feeling

I want to see him so badly and yet I deny myself that at his expense. And so I avoid him: avoid his messages, avoid his reaches for connection, avoid his plans. Because if they aren’t exactly enough exactly when I need them, I decide they are all facades, all the time. And because theyContinue reading “what is this feeling”

11/11/17, 1:54am

The first time, we were coming down. Surreal, soft: I am yellow and she is brown and you are gleaming, you are all gleaming. I am a pendulum: disbelief/wonder/disbelief. Who could you possibly think I am? Fairy lights and jaunty conversation about your day your day your day and this is how I find outContinue reading “11/11/17, 1:54am”

10/03/17, 12:54pm

Last night, HJ asked if he could sleep over at X’s. Naturally, she felt insecure again: this was too much X for HJ; surely, something was wrong. She said yes. They talked little, touched little: X finished up a homework assignment as HJ scrolled through his phone. Post-hopping into bed and turning off the light,Continue reading “10/03/17, 12:54pm”

you are feeling a little down

and suddenly everything is less shiny RK is late to meeting you in the park and you think about how your friendship lately has been one-sided, how maybe a lot of your friendships are one-sided. You haven’t made friends here. You blame it on the city; the city is tough. RK says it’s the realContinue reading “you are feeling a little down”

05/21/17 9:42am, on the plane from DC to Beijing

And so, I am sitting on a thirteen hour flight and I am thinking about people, and sex, and the person I have sex with, but also people, and also sex. Junot Díaz is not helping me not think about sex. I think about sex, and I think about all the sex I will notContinue reading “05/21/17 9:42am, on the plane from DC to Beijing”

05/21/17 9:59am, on the plane from DC to Beijing

You’ve somehow made it to the last song of Blonde and this is your Breakup with JKm album and you’re thinking a little about that, but you realize it was kind of good because you realized that right before you put it on you hadn’t thought about him at all for a long time. HeContinue reading “05/21/17 9:59am, on the plane from DC to Beijing”

05/25/17 10:41am, on my bed in Beijing, China

Of your memories in your memory bank, there are these: You both wake up late for HJ’s train. He shoots out of bed, his panicked face still somehow radiant. He wears the fluorescent green shirt you like. He shows you some crazy video with some dude who carves vaginas onto Thanksgiving foods. The room isContinue reading “05/25/17 10:41am, on my bed in Beijing, China”