the coming and going of civilization

As your friendship with AM slowly crumbles even after you’ve both identified the problem and actively work to hold each other up As your long-distance conversation with JH dwindles to a reluctant phone call and you haven’t sent each other music in forever As you sit on a park bench and sigh and RK letsContinue reading “the coming and going of civilization”

4/19/17 10:33am, on my bed in my dorm at college

Loudness is communication. Communication allows for understanding and change. What bothers me about MH, and now HJ is that they are quiet. They do not yell, or protest, or retaliate; they recoil. But this is far, far worse: in their quietness, they are resolute. Their judgements are set, their conclusions wrapped about you and yourContinue reading “4/19/17 10:33am, on my bed in my dorm at college”

05/21/17 9:53am, on the plane from DC to Beijing

You keep flipping through photos because What The Heck You’re Kind Of Enjoying This. Here is another photo: it is you and MH on the grass outside your dorm. You think about the half-conversation you had the other day: you asked, Did Your View Of Me Change This Year? and she said, I Suppose ItContinue reading “05/21/17 9:53am, on the plane from DC to Beijing”

journal #8 1/1/17

1/1/17, 12:18am, sitting on the steps outside an apartment on l—– ave I am spending this new year’s walking around outside, listening to acid rap, coming down off of half a tab of acid, having just resolved my first family-like conflict with JH, stomach digesting a ratchet meal of Mexican food cobbled together of 89-centContinue reading “journal #8 1/1/17”

a note on what attracts me to people

romantically: people who are remarkable in an above-it-all, chill, easy, intellectual way. I think that’s actually really fucking accurate. an ease, a brain, and, more rationally, a kindness. more generally: people who I perceive to be remarkable in some way; any way really. I think the intellectual and the kindness still apply, and then anContinue reading “a note on what attracts me to people”

tldr; music is 3d

currently: music sounds really, really good still; lights have a larger glow than normal, and things pulsate gently if I really focus on them a (not so) quick rundown of today: an odd feeling of a need to stretch in the chest, a slight dizziness the bathroom lock pulsating, then the ceiling pulsating, then theContinue reading “tldr; music is 3d”

just some fucking drama

The thing about social drama is that it takes up brain space, it contributes to my limited amount of stress I can take before I burst, it devolves quality friend time into arguments and gossiping instead of growth, and it takes away alone time from personal development to worrying. I have no patience for this shit.

A list of friendships I am truly hopeful for

AM. The OG homie. The brother. Close to a fault. Simultaneous overdone comfort and borderline conflict. Worried about the roommate situation. YM. International student friend. Click on humor, on interests, and on deep issues. Self-effacing. Genuinely love her company. Possibly a weekly lunch? SF. Complex, interesting, likable, extroverted. I feel insecure in this one, likeContinue reading “A list of friendships I am truly hopeful for”

On my social life

Now, by the look of my recent-ish posts, one might think that I’ve become skilled in social interactions. I haven’t. I really haven’t. I spent the entire week recording myself on the piano for audition tapes, writing essays, and procrastinating. My only interactions were a random run on Saturday with MH and MB, a hikeContinue reading “On my social life”