it’s another bad sign when

MS sends an empty text under the faƧade of making plans

then doesn’t respond

when you actually make plans

I don’t need this

miss me with this shit please and thank you and good night


a perfectly content day

today was so mundane and yet so wonderful. these days happen, and I just don’t think I ever write about them enough. heck, the only reason I’m writing this now is because I’m sitting in a studio with MS and there’s hella reflective music playing and it’s a quiet moment alone with a dear friend and I’m introspective.

I spent the day with good people who affirmed each other and let loose and supported each other. I couldn’t ask for more — I don’t need to ask for more.

tldr; music is 3d

currently: music sounds really, really good still; lights have a larger glow than normal, and things pulsate gently if I really focus on them

a (not so) quick rundown of today:

an odd feeling of a need to stretch in the chest, a slight dizziness

the bathroom lock pulsating, then the ceiling pulsating, then the ceiling dots beginning to form swirling patterns and the 3d-ness of the ceiling began to give way

the ceiling, with 3d hairs floating down and tiny dots

putting hands over my face to block out all light and staring, wide-eyed and unblinking, at the streaming ebbing black lines and red flowing pictures I saw

going up the stairs each echoing step went straight down; accompanied by a tangible visual of the vibrations shooting out of the soles of my feet in a flash of light a la learning to draw 3d boxes in the 3rd grade

the floor and pulsating squares, pulsating sausage fat, two layers

listening to music, MUSIC, music in HEADPHONES and absolutely leaving the world right there

floating in the kelp, like a horizontal 3d stick figure on a keychain

my hair, floating out and emanating from my head in the suspended air

floating and bringing JH in, floating with me and his voice came and we shared the experience

and I felt the need to bring everyone in so I called RK and YM

then joe popped in and dan and I was so happy I could share it with them too and I lay on the floor so that we could float on the same level

somehow it was ok for people to leave if I let them go, but having them walk away from me was upsetting

and then I wanted AF to come and vibe with us I felt he would enjoy it so much

and then I wanted JKm to come but snapped out of it enough to say otherwise

then AM came and I was so happy I could share it with him too although it frustrated me that he didn’t seem to be floating with me but then music MUSIC came

and bohemian rhapsody blew my mind playing in slow motion with trails everywhere

and another song was soaring and sounds were pearls bouncing on the water and soaring up from it and when I closed my eyes sounds flew at me in 3d from all directions, rapidly changing

currently uncontrollably nodding my head to the beat I’m listening to

everything was so beautiful so beautiful and I wanted to share it with everyone and all sounds were so heartbreakingly beautiful

truly understanding how it felt to be wide-eyed and open-mouthed with wonder so visceral and so real that I could not for the life of me shut either

or more that it would be a crime to repress that which was so beautiful

and I was floating and I wanted people to float with me and I was convinced that if I took videos, the videos would show what I was currently seeing

and then MS said he was going for a walk and I wanted to come but I went to the bathroom first and the floor was just pulsating squares and I got so distracted that I had to tear myself off the toilet

and then I felt this insane urge to get in the shower with all my clothes on but people pulled me away

and then I went back on MH’s bed and sat there for apparently a long time just floating and staring at the ceiling

and I saw a picture of grass and I didn’t even know it was grass – they looked like tiki men; I had to ask what the picture was of and when they said it was grass I didn’t believe but indeed it was

and I saw a picture of stars and it was so beautiful – they were pulsating and growing brighter and brighter and then ebbing away, back and forth back and forth and the small stars were rushing around the larger ones

and then someone gave me an orange and it was so beautiful and delicious and it reminded me of the oranges of my childhood that were perfectly dry on the pith and sweet and juicy on the inside and although this one didn’t taste quite sweet enough it still was the best orange I had ever encountered just because of what it symbolized

and then I thought of JKm while listening to bon iver and I thought that I had grown frustrated with him and that he was telling me god damn turn around you’re my a team and then I thought maybe I was yelling that at him but it was bittersweet because I knew he couldn’t

and then MS came back and took me to the art building and on the way there I played snarky puppy and couldn’t hear anything else and MS was such a caricature of a person and the music was so ridiculously comical I felt like a secret sky and he was a cool cat and we were just trooping around the campus

and I was eating a banana but it was strangely tasteless and interestingly mushy to my mouth but I ate it anyway because it felt like nothing

and we finally got the the art building and in the stairwell it was so beautiful that I thought of JKm again and realized I just wanted to share this with him as well and that all our problems would have been fixed if we could but that he was gone and that the reason we couldn’t share this was the very reason I had to let him go in the end

and music had so many layers; music was 3d and I could viscerally feel every single layer of sound

and we looked at art and it took me a while to realize the the words were written in shadows and I wasn’t sure if the universe had purposely done that to confuse because everything was in two layers anyway

and there was one picture dark small male figuring in a town and when I stared it the men side-stepped towards me very coolly as cool as a cucumber and I dug it

and then we stood in the stairwell and I saw a carrot on the wall and then I got really into classical music – beethoven e major sonata and f-sharp major sonata and schubert b-flat major sonata and debussy reflets dans la lune because I was convinced that if I focused in on any art at that moment I would truly figure it out and be able to play it better than ever before

and then we walked to MS’s dorm and I jammed and listened to frank ocean and bon iver’s visual album was insanely fascinating and the holocene video was just like the afterglow of a trip where everything was just so beautiful you had to linger on it and just gaze at every detail, lying on the floor and looking up, up; and the minnesota paint video was perfect, perfect, fascinating

and then we cooked and watched a crazy animation movie about dementia and the visuals were amazing and I just stared in amazement

and then we watched the debate and I was just loose and open

but the tightness was still in my chest and I put my legs in the air and breathed really far in and out and that helped a little but I ended up just hugging a bean bag

and then we walked around at night and the blu lights glowed to much and looked slightly fractal-like, and street lights had a beautiful rainbow aura

and the green light reflecting in a puddle cast a glow on the streets that looked like gold-plated ness everywhere and I liked to look at that

and shadows on the floor created a cartoon-like cross hatch pattern that moved

and then we played piano and jammed and we got really into the chord progression I think it was CM to Gm to f-sharp M to b-flat major

and then MS taught me a song and I felt the need to perfect it and I did and played scales were so satisfying and beautiful

and then I hopped on a shuttle and went back to the dorm and chilled and looked at psychedelic pictures and had good vibes with DW and CM and JV

and that was that

A list of friendships I am truly hopeful for

AM. The OG homie. The brother. Close to a fault. Simultaneous overdone comfort and borderline conflict. Worried about the roommate situation.

YM. International student friend. Click on humor, on interests, and on deep issues. Self-effacing. Genuinely love her company. Possibly a weekly lunch?

SF. Complex, interesting, likable, extroverted. I feel insecure in this one, like he’ll ditch when the year starts.

MH. Thoughtful, so thoughtful, and always laughing. Just a joy in general. My ideal person.

ES. Haven’t spoken all summer really, hoping to keep up our weekly lunches and work on the social issue project.

MS. Spent the summer angry at him and annoyed. Insecure and petty, but so fun and so interesting. Solid turned volatile relationship.

SY. Such a great guy. Too great of a guy. Gone for the semester.

RK. Best friends with SY. So…chill. Lowkey and down to Earth, and a genuine pleasure to be around. Easy.

JH. The true OG homie. 3000 miles and a Skype call away, but 4 hour conversations that are so easy, too easy, like breathing air. Sporadic messaging.

To let go

WB. Repeatedly attempted possible Facetimes turned to nothing, and I am over it. Not taken personally. It’s him. He’s distant. That’s fine, but I don’t need to pander after him in an unequal friendship.

JKm. Distant. Gone, essentially. Cold silences and unconcerned silences.



On a oft-unmentioned note:

MS is becoming a stressful nonpart of my life.

When summer started, I was so sure that our friendship was solid. I was the last person he said goodbye to before he left; we hugged insanely tight and his dad went

Wow, I’ve never seen Max light up around someone like this

and we stayed strong through struggles like being pitted against each other for a job we thought we would do together and we were so solid.

And then summer began and I visited him and we hung out and made plans to do drugs and visit so often

And then summer wore on and he stopped responding to my messages and Snapchats so I started messaging him less and less and less

And then he very conspicuouslyĀ forgot that we’d planned to hang out that involved my extensive planning

And then he kept not responding to my do-over plan suggestions

And then I started getting annoyed and passive aggressive

And that’s where we are.

Camp Counselor-ing – The Asian Trio

The first day was so awful.
I wanted to curl up and cry in the corner, like one of the kids. Scratch that, two of the kids. Maybe three.

I must admit, I pick favorites.
The three Japanese, non-English speaking kids.

MK is the (semi) responsible older sister – she’s 8. She’s intelligent – she picked up quite a lot of English in a week. I remember she’s a kid when she spent an entire hour bringing me dead plant leaves to chop in half. That seriously entertained her.

YK is the middle child who reminds me of YM (in his looks), but who’s evolved into quite the mischievous smart-aleck. When he was messing with his recorder inappropriately, stealing quick glances at me out of the corner of his eye, gaging my expression, pushing my patience. I would stand up threateningly, and he would quickly put it in its case and look up at me, smiling…and I would relent. My goodness. He also ordered a good 20 markers in a perfect rainbow. I took him to the bathroom with another kid, and I heard him telling the other to ‘wash your HANDSSSS’.

MS is the adorable young one – three years old, maybe? We thought he couldn’t write, but he fooled us all. His expression. All the time. His eyes. Are. Priceless. He always followed his siblings, and he had this troublemaker side, as well. He taunted his brother with his popcorn – doing the ‘you want it? PSYCHE.” I couldn’t believe it. This same angel frequently crawls around on the floor to pick up markers and whatnot, then orders them helps us clean up while the other kids play. When he fought with his siblings and I took him to sit on a different mat to separate them, he went ape-crazy and ran back to his normal mat, and proceeded to behave beautifully, ignoring all his sibling’s harassment. OH MYGOODNESS SO CUTE. He always wants ‘wah-duh’ and to go to the bathroom (which he shows by coming up to me, saying ‘baf-oom’, and looking at me with those anguished eyes. Ah, to be a kid again.