05/30/17, 10:37am, sitting on my bed in Beijing, in the middle of reading Calvino’s Invisible Cities

It has come to my attention that I have in the past devoted significant amounts of time towards gaining a single adjective attached to my being, like being well-read, or being carefree, or being obliviously attractive. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not yet sure whether I should be ashamed of it.


05/29/17 3:32pm, sitting at the supper table with LaoLao reading Einstein’s Dreams

Reading novels like Einstein’s Dreams, texts that survey human life and distill it to simple actions of arbitrary and interchangable men and women — always put me in an odd state of mind. The Bible. One Hundred Years of Solitude. I can’t quite describe it. It takes me out of the present, takes me out of engaging truly in interactions: persons are people, and everything is somehow mechanical, a board game.

My Latest Existential Crisis

Spent about 2 hours in the alumni center reading a book – I can honestly say it’s been a very long time since I’ve been completely into a book to the point in which I don’t have to think about reading, but rather I’m just experiencing what’s on the page.

Quick reflection: I really resonated with the concept that my university has taught me to never be intimidated by pretension. I was such a scared freshman. I was scared of being found out for being a total idiot. And while I’m not the most intellectual, or the most creative, or any of that here, I’m not a total idiot all of the time.

Another reflection on direction and living life (in the aftermath of my existential crisis yesterday, in which I spontaneously asked my best friend to go on a road trip with me and dedicated a portion of the end of my summer to absolute silence): “Doing the unrealistic is easier than doing the realistic.” – Timothy Ferris. I need to focus less on goals here and more on exploring, and yet – they are not mutually exclusive. Reading that book has me questioning – what am I doing, double concentrating? Out of some paradoxical need to sound interesting when I talk to people about my degree? When in reality, doing so severely limits the breadth of classes I can take? Why, past me, did you bother.

I’ve also decided to take psychedelics as soon as I can get my hands on them. It can only be a positive experience, in the grand scheme of things.

Arbitrary Good Day

Just a particularly good day.

A pleasant surprise of a late start for school. So, delicious breakfast of squash and some Jane Eyre, as well as a solid page or so of the concerto.

Just tons of energy at school, with people and whatnot. Greeting and jabbering to everyone; I couldn’t help it.

JL gave me a ride home; had a job interview; GOT THE JOB FIRST JOB WOOHOO

Got a call from a professor to tell me my absolutely FRICKIN AMAZING AID PACKAGE FOR COLLEGE WOOHOO

Oh yeah and she really likes me? WOOHOO

Car shopping (a bit tiring, that bit, and not happy-making), and mexican food. This was all eh but WHO CARES WOOHOO

K done

IJournals: 24 (7/22)

I had another amazing day! Practiced all morning – actually practiced – and rehearsed with MB for accompanying his college audition. Ate lunch. Almost alone, but Friend BC sat with me. Had a corec with friend JW’s cabin, and then had a unit activity. Both eh.

But then we went sailing.

It was amazing. I took my rowing test, and friend TK was out with someone, and he was like “I’ll be back in 10 minutes, wait for me!” So I did. I passed the rowing test, and then he took me out for the rest of the time. Like an hour.

We talked about our lives back home and my area and all the things we had in common. He taught me to sail. Or attempted to. It was fun.

Also slightly awkward, though, because I was going to go with friend ML, but I went out with just friend TK. I threw a hang tight sign at friend ML though, just to make sure he was chill.

We capsized just for the heck of it, and got back on and kept right on sailing.

When we went in, he was like, “I don’t want to be mean, but I should steer.” HAH. How horrible was I? We’ll never know, because friend TK says I was good. Yeah, right, bud.

Changed and ate dinner, then avoided the mixer by going to practice. Just Friend HW and I. We stopped by the mixer to say hi and Friend ML came out and STOLE MY MUSIC BINDER so that I would stay and dance. For like 10 minutes. I pouted and sat on the ground until he gave it back out of pity and we walked on.

We walked along the beach path towards the s-huts. We didn’t make it.

We stopped at this special spot that looks out onto the lake in this tree that juts out. It was beautiful, and Interlochen is perfect.

We finally headed out to the s-huts, but we got dress coded and turned back, when we realized we actually didn’t want to practice, so we got books and walked back to the beautiful spot and read books on the tree in the breeze and listened to music. 

On the way, friend ML saw us again and made a mad face when we told him, and then left. Awww. It would have been nice with him there, too. But girl time was nice.

Then we walked back so I could keep my promise to Friend JW that I would show long enough to see his Rachmaninoff t-shirt.

We sat on the cliff and talked and looked out on the lake with the whole cabin. Amazing.


well just practiced (or tried to practice) spreading for about half an hour. did not work. at all.

i started by reading at a normal pace and timing. then i would [try] to spread it and time that. i took the difference and wrote it down. then i tried to beat my spreading time. well i sliced an average of ten seconds off each card. and about a third of the time overall. not ok. I’m pretty sure spreading is supposed to be faster than this.

plus, sometimes my words get all jumbled up and crazy and i end up reading the same phrase three times to get it right. waste of time.

spreading is hard….

but i have to get this! its the only thing i have a chance at being good at in debate haha