this is how I knew, definitively, how little I deserve him, and how lucky I am, and how ridiculously large my capacity to hurt him is: here’s what I said: I feel like you don’t actually love me but that you believe that you do, and I don’t know how to tell you that. andContinue reading “03/23/18, 3:43am”
how did I go from: flinching at his touch to: enveloping him because I finally made tears fall. I can see now it is possible to comfort someone who has hurt you and feel numb. to bring the hammer down and instantly shush the wreckage back into a whole; I have never seen him asContinue reading “03/19/18”
EDIT: After noticing that reading my journals seriously affects my state of mind, for the purposes of future me’s mental health, it’s necessary to preclude this with a note: this is NOT healthy. This is NOT ok. Furthermore, this poem is wallowing in self-pity, self-hatred, and is furthermore self-absorbed, and is perhaps even more damagingContinue reading “03/08/18, 11:33pm: note from about a week ago”
you convince yourself: you don’t need to worry about your phone, you don’t need to worry about checking for his responses. you know he’ll respond eventually. but you tell yourself this: it doesn’t matter what he says. and yet: an hour and thirty-eight more minutes of this before you let yourself break.
You remember, and maybe this is the beginning of the problem: You’d made plans that night. He’d bailed, for a reason. You’d semi-bailed, for a less good reason. You’d tried to meet up with each other, and finally you definitively bailed so that he would not have to leave his friends. Something external changes, youContinue reading “1/29/17, 11:07am, messages from him on mute”
You’ve been extremely good, a little lonely, content with your friends, feeling alienated from close friends, feeling alienated from fading friends, feeling like a second-class friend, suddenly ready to cut people out, exceedingly comfortable with the people you love, willing to reach out to people you’ve looked over, unsure if this was out of desperation,Continue reading “where have I been?”
HOW IS IT THAT I HAVE NOT PROGRESSED
I guess the gist of it is this: you don’t need me, and yet, somehow I have let myself need you. Really, this is completely my own fault, not that I didn’t already know that. I know I shouldn’t live my life refusing to need people more than they need me. But right now, IContinue reading “11/07/17, 10:53pm, dorm”
I want to take up more space in his life and I worry or convince myself that he doesn’t want me to, and so I retaliate by taking up even less space than he wants. And I save myself a little from the risk of ever feeling unwanted.
I Love Him